Monday, December 27, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Paris Hilton's Lesbian Tape. You would think we would be sick of this crypto-racist 'ho already, and you would be just about right. Just about. But we are not quite yet ready to go the Lloyd Grove route yet. The Corsair spent 2004 so up in Paris Hilton, that a post-coital cigarette might be in order. Or, better yet -- eew -- not.

But just before Christmas, this lesbian tape, according to FemaleFirst, arose -- excuse the pun:

"Hotel heiress PARIS HILTON has been struck with another sex tape scandal - this time featuring the sexy blonde frolicking with a woman.

"The explicit video was reportedly filmed on the reality TV star's 22nd birthday on 15 February last year (03) - after her high-profile home recording with former boyfriend RICK SALOMON."

Out: Early Morning Swordplay. The Regis and Kelly Show during the holidays, when most people are on vacation, is a sacred, holy space, a place where we can munch our toast with marmalade and sip our Earl Grey, maybe suck down a multivitamin, and share a chuckle with Reeg.

The Regis and Kelly Show is a space where we can try to count the number of Cutty Sark shots and Guinness chasers we put away the night before, try to remember which bar floozy felt us up roughly because "we were asking for it;" The Regis and Kelly Show is a space where we can try to calculate -- with dread -- the damage done to our monetary supply. Aside from the occasional Kelly camel toe, this is not a zone for hard core porn, it's just all to fucking early in the morning.

Enter: Heath Ledger, randy Australian, according to FemaleFirst:

"HEATH LEDGER shocked American audiences by talking about grabbing 'weenies' with his male buddies whilst wearing 'thongs.'

"The Australian actor, 25, stunned host REGIS PHILBIN with his Antipodean colloquialisms for having a hot dog while sporting flip-flops as he detailed the way he bonds with his male pals over Christmas. Ledger says, 'I was promoting my film on the REGIS AND (Kelly).'

"'Regis asked me what I did Down Under for Christmas fun, so I told him that me and my mates liked to put on our thongs and grab weenies and look at the world go by, and that was our perfect way to male-bond."

Thanks for sharing about your mates' swordplay at 10 am in the morning, Heathy!

In: The Corsair's Pirate Awards. That's hott. Later this week, The Corsair will give the year's biggest freaks their due with our 2nd annual Corsair's. And, of course, since all major media is on vacation, we will promptly be, alas, ignored.

Out: Scott Baio. Hollywood -- and, quite frankly (The Corsair says this with false nonchalance), time itself -- has not been kind to Scott Baio. The man once bragged on Howard Stern that he had dated so many silicon-enhanced Baywatch "stars," that his friends took to calling the show, "Baio-Watch." Eew.

Anyhoo: Variety reports that some sucker at the networks is actually giving "CHAR-les," another go at a show. On someplace other than "the UPN." With untold millions behind it (The Corsair sips from a pimp cup filled with 1978 Chateau Mouton Rothschild). And an Emmy-winning producer. We're serious:

"Former teen heartthrob Scott Baio is taking another stab at series television with an NBC sitcom project about a fortysomething who moves in with a guy in his 20s and turns his life upside down.

"The project has received a script commitment from the network. Emmy-winning writer-producer Jace Richdale ("The Simpsons") will serve as an executive producer.

"Baio, 43, is best known for his starring role in the 1980s comedy 'Charles in Charge' as well as his turn as Charles 'Chachi' Arcola on 'Happy Days.' He also did a two-year stint on CBS' 'Diagnosis Murder.'"

Chachi's last name was Arcola?

In: Rapture Fever. Yo, we blue-staters are smart enough to know that the world is not coming to an abrupt end. Matt Drudge -- who oddly appears to love social tragedy on a grand scale -- is stirring the fires that are, no doubt, already simmering in the fevered imagination of the illiterate cracker hillbilly's that believe that we are, indeed, "living in the last days."

But that's neither here nor there. If anything, the global scale of the disaster should strengthen international cooperation. In about a week, water borne disease will set in in the population dense Asia. Only then will the futility of individual nations humanitarian operations become apparent. If anything, we need a strong UN in case of global catastrophe or, and lets hope this never occurs, but my Aquarius ascendant is skeptical, a planetary-scale virus alert.

If the United Nations were run by anyone other than Kofi "fuzzy-wuzzy-impotent-teddy-bear" Annan, this would be a moment -- at the very least in Southeast Asia -- where global institutions could prove effective and necessary. All eyes are on the UN.

The pendulum swings. Global institutions are in inertia, and the pitchfork brigades have the momentum. We will no doubt be serenaded on all manner of media outlets by men and women named Skylar proffering forth their readings of a bad English translation ("for the common man") of the King James Translation of St. Jerome's quirky Latin Vulgate translation of the Koinos Greek Translation of an Aramaic translation of the Book of Revelations, and a notoriously difficult text at that.

But, oh! those mulleted Skylars, they love their "Mr. God" -- who looks like Santa Clause -- so much they cannot be bothered to fucking learn the Aramaic -- The Corsair takes a "time out" from "off the chain thuggin' on the real" about pseudoChristians for a spell of cozy, mute mirth and a sip from his overfloweth pimp cup.

Out: Dr. Phil on Tim Russert. Our favorite curmudgeon, James Wolcott, speaks out on that dumpy fraud's improbable appearance on the venerable Meet the Press:

"I'm not sure what which was worse, Dr. Phil's thimble-deep patriarchal profundities or the sage nods with which they were received by Untiny Tim. The only thing missing was a thought balloon over Russert's head that said, 'White healer speak many truths.'"

We couldn't agree more. From Plato to Dr. Phil. Fuck; Spengler was right. But Wolcott isn't finished, no, he gets a bit "saucy":

"My favorite moment of the few minutes I could endure was when Russert asked, "Isn't every minute parents spend with their children 'quality time'?"

"And Dr. Phil agreed that every moment is precious.

"Especially when the kids gather around the sofa after dinner to listen to daddy fart."

Oh, James, oh no you didn't (The Corsair covers his nose to avoid "scenting the Wolcottian 'beef'")

In: Love Between Consenting Airheads. Isn't it sweet, that in this post 9/11 world, two narcissistic asses could find and fall in love with themselves, and, more importantly, the simulacrum how they appear in the press "hooking up" with each other? According to The Dish:

"Former 'Baywatch' beauty Pamela Anderson has been photographed passionately kissing actor Stephen Dorff, quashing reports she's dating a model.

"Anderson, 37, had been linked with Christian Monzon but recently surprised onlookers by smooching 'Blade' star Dorff on a Malibu, Calif., beach

"One says, 'It wasn't long before Pammy stripped off and Dorff couldn't keep his eyes off her body.'"

Or, more in keeping with the narcissistic narrative, how he would look playing with that body.

"A friend of the hunk adds, 'They have a lot in common. This could be the start of something special.'"

Out: Mark Cuban. Ever since "The Benefactor" got unceremoniously dumped, Mark Cuban's blog posts have been ... odd. Eccentric. Dare we say "Dodgy," even. The latest is even wierd by Cuban standards, mixing the PBS educational cartoon "Arthur" and the question of Hip Hop's connection to the NBA:

"Thank goodness for the Hip Hop generation today, and the classical generation of the future. .

"They make and will make their parents take them to games. They do and will understand and relate to our players far better than the commentators and even some of their employers do. Our kids will keep the NBA fresh and relevant while their parents play chicken little.

"It says it all when Arthur , the animated rodent, is inclusive and has a better understanding of todays culture then media commentators who get paid to pretend to know."

Okay, Mark, too much nutmeg in the egg nog?

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