Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The Curse of the American Pie

It's all good and fun when major woodwind instruments and golden-brown, flaky encrusted pastries are used as "sexual enhancements" in a hit film like American Pie, but then things kind of got all, I don't know ... "E! True Hollywood Story" on us.


Three stars of the film trilogy American Pie have had a rough holiday season indeed. How could something as wholesome and refreshing as a coming of age story of youth commingled with an All-American lard-based dessert cause so much ruckus? Let's recount:

First up, representling as 'lil slice of American Pie number one, we have Tara Reid, who is collapsible, like a lawn chair, whose very own "mince pies" are Frankenbreasted, who *allegedly* has been reduced to buying cold beverages via a local convenience store after some well-deserved tough press over her party girl antics. (And no, she didn't beat up Cindy Margolis, but she appears to have done almost everything else attributed to her)

Next up, the embarrassing marital woes of superhottie Shannon Elizabeth, who seeks "psychic aid" to hold together her unglueing marriage to an ordinary shmoe, of which, that significant cultural artifact The National Enquirer writes:

"The former Playboy model fears her marriage to actor Joe Reitman is crumbling because of the demands of their careers -- but she desperately wants to salvage the union because she says after nearly eight years they're both still in love.

"'Shannon is a firm believer in psychic powers,' a close friend told The ENQUIRER.'Part of the problem, Shannon believes, is that she may have been too young to get married, and she's hoping her psychic can give her some perspective on the situation.

"Strains in the marriage were evident earlier this year when Shannon guested on That '70s Show, playing Ashton Kutcher's love interest in a multi-episode story line.

"'Joe was always around while the cast was working -- but Shannon never introduced him to anyone,' revealed a set source.'It seemed like he was keeping an eye on her -- and I think Shannon was embarrassed.'"

Yeah, not introducing your jealous visiting husband to your co-workers, that -- could be a problem.

The final component, our third slice of the American Pie curse is Natasha Lyonne, who, Gawker today writes, may or may not have been incarcerated (The Corsair smokes an El Rey del Mundo Choix Supreme Cuban cigar), may or may not be "helping the terrorists (so to speak)," and, finally (The Corsair pours himself a glass of the newly acquired Chalone wine, the 2001 Provenance Vineyards Carneros Merlot), may or may not have representation.

What?! No representation?!

Luckily, well behaved (last item), "born to be mild" American Pie star Jason Biggs has all but escaped the curse, if, quite frankly, online dating can be properly construed as escaping a curse.


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