Monday, December 27, 2004

A Beckham Christening

Forget David Beckham's tawdry, "moist" affair with the oh-so-appropriately-named Rebecca Loos (Averted Gaze). Now, conveniently also disremember the fact (The Corsair draws thoughtfully on his Schimmelpennick) that this woman with such a meaningful name "stimulated" a wild pig on British teevee!

Now, suspend your disbelief about the goddamned castle for his children; forget the fucking $2,000 a day Christmas-present opener/butler. Forget the mini SUV, or, for that matter, the fact that scraggly-assed 80s Jersey rocker Jon Bon Jovi apologized publicly for naming his kids after the Beckhams!

The star-studded Beckham Christening, according to Hello! Magazine, was the biggest British gossip news of the year, because:

"A series of big names rolled up to the Beckhams' Hertfordshire mansion Thursday, as the couple celebrated the christening of their sons Romeo and Brooklyn. Proud godfather Sir Elton John was the first to arrive for the much-talked-about ceremony, sweeping through the gates in a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce, followed by Victoria's former bandmates from her days as a Spice Girl. "

Apparently, David Beckham promised he would never cheat again. But what about those really long soccer road trips?

"Invitations for the event had specified 'modest attire', but many of the A-list guests turned up in dazzling outfits nonetheless. The inimitable Liz Hurley made a characteristically stunning entrance in an ivory satin gown with white fur stole."


Liz Hurley -- the Sir Edmund Hillary of Social Climbers (honorable mention goes out to Scarlett Johansson) -- looking, no doubt, for that proverbial billionaire-with-a-bad-ticker (and liquid assets, yes, please) as she dangerously approaches her (sotto voce) "expiration date." Well, good luck, Liz Hurley, may you find your man with bottomless pockets.

"As could be expected from Britain's most glamorous couple, there was no expense spared. Bishop of Cork Paul Colton, who married the Beckhams five years ago, conducted the baptism in a specially-constructed chapel in the grounds of their home. Afterwards the guests moved to a 300ft marquee where a lavish six-course banquet was laid on. David then gave a speech, in which he reportedly praised Victoria for her loyalty during recent months, before Sir Elton provided the crowd with some top-notch musical entertainment."


Crocodile rock? And, did he wear the electric blue Taiwan jumpsuit? That was hott. Because nothing says a "klassy affair--hic ... whole lotta klassy," quite like Sir Elton renaming one of his hits at the last minute for an existential moment. Presumably only a lesser man might be moved to create an original work for the occasion of a Princess' death. No matter. We'd suggest for this moment in time "Christening Candle in the Wind." Klassy.

"And just in case any of those present were in need of a little extra festive bling, everyone was sent home with a bag of Christmas goodies, including a single diamond."

The Corsair is genuinely grateful to the Beckham's for giving him five minutes of clean, wholesome entertainment, especially in this ultra-slow news week when every media outlet in NY-DC and Tinseltown is on vacation ...

1 comment:

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