Tuesday, December 28, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Gurkha's. Madonna's Krav Maga bodyguards? That's so 2004, people (Averted Gaze), if you go in for that sort of thing. Seriously, though, get with it. The Corsair's talking about Gurkha's, those crafty Nepalese warriors, well, that's the future, baby; you can never have enough dangerous Nepalese protection if you are rich and famous. According to the 3 AM Girls, Claudia Schiffer and British Director Matthew Vaughn have Gurkha's protecting their 16th century home, Coldham Hall, near Bury St Edmunds:

"Claudia Schiffer and her British film director husband Matthew Vaughn have sparked a celebrity craze by hiring five former British Army Gurkhas to help run and protect their ($9.6 million) Suffolk mansion.

"The Layer Cake director and his German supermodel missus are great supporters of the fearsome Nepalese fighters and have been urging pals to hire them too.

"Now we hear Vaughn's best friend Lock, Stock director Guy Ritchie and his wife Madonna are so impressed after seeing their Gurkhas, they want to employ some too. And whatever Madonna wants, she usually gets.

"Matthew told 3am: 'The Gurkhas are among the most hardworking, loyal and skilled people I have ever come across. We are delighted to give them jobs.'

"... Gurkhas are famous for carrying the curved kukri knife and a recent change in British law means that those who served for four years or more and retired after 1997 can live and work in Britain after they leave the army."

Out: Are Enrique and Anna Married? Are they, or are they not? everyone is asking. Who giveth a fuck? says we. According to that significant cultural artifact, The Star:

"While reps for both stars refused to comment on their clients' marital statuses, some sources close to the couple confirm that the two some did tie the knot. 'They are definitely married,' an insider reports.

"'They kept it under the radar and are totally hitched.' Another source reveals that Kournikova missed her good friend Serena Williams' fashion show Dec. 15 at the Forge, a trendy restaurant in South Beach, because she was busy being a newlywed. But when tennis star Serena Williams herself was asked about the reports of a secret Mexican wedding she was very skeptical: 'No, I don't think she got married,' she said. 'She's a good friend of mine, and I'd know about it if she had.'

"Another source may have summed it up better. 'Who knows if she is or she isn't?' asked one of Anna's friends, who described himself as a confidante. What is for sure, is that the couple never filed the proper paperwork in Mexico. 'They did not get married here,' Silvia Montiel, the marriage-license clerk at Puerto Vallarta's Registro Civil Office told Star."

In: Angelina and Mad, On The Move. Most kissable babe Angelina Jolie is a high octane Gemini woman and adorable baby Maddox is not slowing her down a whit, according to Hello!Magazine:


"Globe-trotting actress
Angelina Jolie does not seem to be slowing down to catch her breath this holiday season. After a busy week of promoting her latest film Alexander in Europe, the UN Goodwill Ambassador jetted off to the Middle East for a personal visit. Accompanied by son Maddox, she has spent the past week taking in the the sights and sounds of the cities of Beirut and Sidon. This is the devoted mother's first ever visit to Lebanon.

"Apparently she was quite taken by the motorcycle she drove in the movie Gone In 60 Seconds, the 750cc MV Agusta Brutale. Her latest ride is a powerful and luxurious hand-built Italian bike with a price tag of a cool ($20,200). "

Out: "The Pirate." We have lived 33 years, through a Ugandan dictatorship, Vermont winters, New York blackouts -- we thought we had seen and heard it all. Really, we did. And then this from Dan Savage:

"Q. Have you heard about 'the Pirate'? This is when you're getting a blowjob from a girl and as you come you ejaculate in her eye. Then you kick her in the shin. The result is the woman squinting an eye and hopping up and down on one foot, holding her leg and screaming, 'Arrrgh!' How many people are into this?"

None, we gather.

In: Kirsten Dunst's LA New Year's Bash. According to the 3AM Girls:

"KIRSTEN Dunst is already gearing up for a big New Year's Eve bash.

"The Spider-Man star has started plastering her Los Angeles home with balloons and a ginormous inflatable champagne bottle in preparation for Friday night."

Ginormous?! Restraining order be damned, we are so there!

Out: Norman Mailer Versus Tom Wolfe. Novelists are not like bloggers. They create worlds, and we keep workers from doing their jobs at the office terminal. We are "snarky," they are "witty." How can we compete? Like this chestnut, from our beloved Page Sixxies:

" ... Perhaps Wolfe is leery of stirring up the bad blood that has flowed between him and Mailer for years. As early as 1989, Mailer dissed Wolfe by declaring, 'There is something silly about a man who wears white all the time, especially in New York.' Wolfe responded, 'The lead dog is the one they always try to bite in the ass.' Mailer zinged back: 'It doesn't mean you're the top dog just because your ass is bleeding.'"

Ah, Mailer, as always wielding the language as delicately as the switch of the wrist in fencing. But "bleeding ass" references notwithstanding, wouldn't you love to see these old writers duke it out in the ring? Ever see old men fight? It's vicious. It'll shake you profoundly. They know the ropes. The bitchtits, the man-girdles, the smell of Ben-Gay and the language! Lots of unceremonious use of the term, "Jehosophat!" Someone ought to put this together.

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