Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Brett Ratner & Robert Evans ... Love Story

"Love means never having to say you're sorry"

Maybe Jehovah's Witness-Tennis sensation Serena Williams ought to be a little worried at the forbidden passion that fairly hovers like a nimbus over her boyfriend Brett Ratner and his idol, Robert Evans.

The moist glissando of homoerotic amour washes over Brett every time he discusses Robert Evans and the glorious old studio days and how hard -- excuse the pun -- it was to get China Town through -- again, no pun intended.

Every time these two start talking of their mutual admiration for each other's work, one cannot help but wonder if a "reach around" will be forthcoming. They take their December/January romance to -- how convenient -- the December/January issue of Interview Magazine where they mutually, uh, stimulate each other in front of a live tape recorder.

Robert Evans: How many times have we looked at The Kid Stays in the Picture? I was proud of that, by the way, as I am of anything I've done, because you can laugh and cry within an hour and 40 minutes. It's an original.

Brett Ratner: The first time I saw that movie was the first time Ali (McGraw), your ex-wife, saw it. I sat next to her, and it was so moving for me to watch her watch that movie because she was crying seeing you talk about her the way you were. It was so emotional because you really did it in such an elegant way."

Take a look at Ali McGraw, pally. Note the sunken tombstones for eyes, cried out of tears-- That's the ghost of Christmas future. That broken human being there, sucked bone-dry of her creativity by that Hollywood Vampire, that Robert Evans, he is a harbinger of ill tidings to come, my friend. You'll be doing infomercials after he's through with you!

Evans will gnaw on your desiccated bones, Ratner, he'll suck the creative marrow from your skeleton and lick the juices from his fingertips defiantly! He'll munch on your bone gristle! A fitting feast for a Hollywood vampyre!

Ai, papi! Abandon all hope ye who enter into the Robert Evans screening room.

Run, Brett Ratner, run!


Anonymous said...


What do you think of this?

The Corsair said...

This piece makes a very wierd episode even wierder. Although I refuse to entertain the possibility that Dan Rather reads Donald Barthelme, it is not inconceiveable that he has very literate muggers.