Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Miramax's "Nasty Hors D'Oeuvres"

The Page Sixxies take us in deep at Miramax (sorry Harvey), where the shit is about to hit the fan (The Corsair rubs his hands together slowly and emits a sinister laugh):

"THINGS are getting grimmer by the day for employees at Miramax, but Harvey Weinstein insists on throwing his minions a Christmas party. 'We all know we are getting canned in the near future, we don't have any expense budgets to do anything, and the majority of people have already been fired ? but he's throwing a party?' fumed one staffer. The bash tomorrow is said to be costing Weinstein $30,000 ? a price tag that employees say could be better spent on them.

" 'Why doesn't he just give us a cash bonus and say, Hey, it's been a rough year, but I appreciate everything? It's not like anyone is actually going to go to this party and eat nasty hors d'oeuvres.' To make matters worse, yesterday Disney announced that when the Weinstein brothers' contracts are up, 'things will change.' All projects have been put on hold or canceled. A rep for Miramax said, 'Bob and Harvey are grateful for their staff's contributions to Miramax's 15 Golden Globe nominations. There will be bonuses and, as for the party, they are damned if they do and damned if they don't. They are just trying to do something nice.'"

And just what is in a Miramax hors d'oeuvre that makes it nasty? Is Harv doing "ungodly things" in the Worcester Sauce again? Stop smiling and put it back in your pants, Mr. Weinstein ... Come on, Harv, clean up your act! What's in the hors d'oeuvre? Glad you asked, my mellow; glad you asked ...

Recipe for a Miramax Hors D'Oeuvre:

Yield: 4 Servings

1/2 c Limited December Release
1/2 c Shitty Sincerity (i.e Chocolat)
1/4 c A Whiff of Pretention
2 ts Heavy Advertising and Marketing (Oscar is high maintenance; Oscar is finicky)
1 ts Starlet of the Month (Interchangeable; substitute with Gwyneth or, if desperate, Penelope)
1 Indie cred; crushed
1 lb Zeitgeist
1/4 c Director du jour (Also interchangeable; subst: Scorcese, Kevin Smith, Linklater, Tarantino, Soderbergh, David)
1/2 c Subtitles
1/4 c Heavy whipping cream
1 1/2 tb Horseradish
1/2 ts Lemon juice
Bibb lettuce or crushed .. ice

...On second thought cut the last four ingredients, to stay on budget, on orders from Harvey.

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