Wednesday, December 29, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Page Six. We laughed robustly, abruptly and out loud this morning -- to the consternation of the other subway riders, who slowly ... moved away from us -- when we read that the Page Sixxies called Rod Stewart a "ROOSTER-coiffed bad boy turned schmaltz-profiteer." So clearly acid, positively citrus even, yet so staggeringly accurate. (licks finger to tell direction of the wind) We like.


Out: Clay Aiken. Little rat bastard (The Corsair cracks his knuckles ominously, acting gangsta). We are Gemini. Our mood changes as abruptly as the wind. When we was first getting moving, we laughed at Rod Stewart, cause he's corny, but now we "off the chain," we on "the sinister tip (sips crunk juice)," we "on the creep (smokes blunt),"we "stepping up our blogging game" with some "sleazy aura chemistry."

According to that significant cultural artifact, The National Enquirer:

"(Susan) Barry, who teaches at Clearview Regional High School in Mullica Hill, was punished after referring to the carrot-topped crooner as a 'little turd.'

"She sent the scathing message to her e-mail list -- and to an Internet site, which posted it.

"The English teacher, who works with the school's famed vocal ensemble, was furious at Aiken's alleged diva-like behavior.The young performers worked hard to back up the pop singer at a recent show -- after his people reportedly promised a $500 donation to the ensemble.With great flourish, a check was presented to a choir member.But later, the student was stunned -- after opening the envelope and discovering it was empty!"

-- Recognize Game, beeyach! (The Corsair swings wildly in outrage at Clay)!

In: Sue Shapiro. Our friend Sue Shapiro is one of the funniest, sweetest people in the world. Now, in her new book, Lighting Up, the entire world can find out what we have known for 5 years, namely, that Sue rocks. The book is about how she quit cigarettes and booze with the help of an eccentric addiction specialist named "Dr. Winters."

In typical Aquarian fashion, things go awry. Sue transfers her oral fixation to 20 Charms Blow Pops a day - she prefers the grape variety -- thus gaining twenty pounds (50 sugar calories a pop, you do the math). Long story short: after some hilarious adventures, the kind of adventures that only a straight-talking New York Aquarian Jewish writer like Sue can have, she drops the addictions cold turkey.

When we last had lunch with Sue, in the summer, on a golden day in The Village, she had just finished the book, had done an appearance on the Today Show for another book, was aglow, thin, lovely. She looked like a celebrity, which, we believe, is what this book will -- at long last! -- grant her. And no one that I know deserves to be a star more than Sue.

Out: Hugh Grant. Of Hugh Grant, The Corsair has written, "manwhore, slab of beef, that lucky fucking dog -- call him what you will; He who we once thought of as an Ass -- Hughdie done dodged the Elizabeth Hurley bullet, managed to parlay his little 'black hooker episode' into a career as the suave bad guy, the English Smoothie, as opposed to the boring Merchant-Ivory wag image he used to rock, whom uncultivated Midwestern housewives pined after; and now, mirabile dictu, Grant is moving in on to the ever-elusive fiscal security with jet set heiress Jemima Goldsmith as his 'sugarmommy', easily one of the best looking women in the world -- total eye candy. Yummers" According to the 3AM Girls:

"Looks like Jemima Khan isn't the only creature attracted to Hugh Grant.
"We hear the actor received some rather unwelcome attention from a jellyfish while holidaying with the sexy brunette in Barbados.

"A fellow tourist tells us: 'We were lying in the sun when we heard a posh guy shouting, 'aargh! aargh!'"

Did he really say "argh!" with the "r" pronounced and all that? 'Cause if he did, we totally lost, like, 20 percent of respect for the man. That's a bitch move and a half, hands down.

"'We couldn't believe it when we saw it was Hugh. He jumped off his lilo and was shouting to mates: 'I've been stung by a bloody jellyfish!'

"'He rushed out of the water and disappeared off up the beach. It was hilarious."

In: Minnie Driver. What we like best about Minnie is that she doesn't dance, wiggle or shake her butt. She leaves that to the sisters with the funny hair cuts. According to The Dish:

"Minnie Driver turned down an offer from music boss Tommy Mottola to become the next Jennifer Lopez.

"The Oscar-nominated British actress, who released her country-flavored debut album Everything I've Got In My Pocket this year, was approached by the record producer to embark on a musical career akin to J.Lo's.

"But Driver turned Mottola's proposition down because R&B isn't her style.

"She says, "I sang a little song I wrote in (1997 movie) 'Good Will Hunting.' I had talks with major record business movers and shakers like Randy Jackson about signing something really big.
"'Tommy Mottola played me some of J.Lo's stuff and said, 'This is what you should do. It's gonna be really massive.' But I'm not much of a butt shaker."

She's more of a "mover and" shaker, to be sure.

Out: The Young New Yorkers for the Philharmonic (link via NYSocialDiary). Bad things are happening at the Phil. Very bad things.


Above: At the Philharmonic, Masters of the Universe Katherine Nedelkoff and Blair Endresen drink deeply of the distilled Peruvian peasant blood.

In: The Anonymous White Guy. Never mess with wiggers. That's my policy, at least. They have something to prove. Wiggers are like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. To be the only white guy in a black crowd, you've got to be tougher than tough, ready to throw down at a moments notice. Wiggers are passionate about black culture, sometimes ... too passionate ... they kind of take it to extremes, like this anonymous wigger, responding to Marc Cuban's odd post of yesterday, in which he asked aloud whether the HipHop-NBA connection was a good thing:

"Mark, my career is hip hop music. I'm a 28 y/o WHITE BOY recording engineer. I would love for you to read this.I have been an NBA fan since 3rd grade.

"My favorite team was the Celtics for a long time. (NH native) Now I'm an avid Pacers fan. I like the Pacers because they play a team brand of ball, based around the true principals of the game. (Insert Artest joke here) These guys going around throwing up 'Q Dog' signs or 'Bullhorns' (Quentin Richardson) when they score make me sick.

"The Pacers do the job.

"Yes they celebrate.

"Signing a ball and giving it to an unexpecting fan=great

"Just giving a ball to fan=greatA pumped fist after a dunk=great

"Standing on the scorers table and hyping up the crowd after a come from behind win=great

"Giving the Q Dog sign after a dunk=corny

"Signing a ball and giving it to someone who's gonna give it back=stupid

"Doing the Atlanta Stomp after a TD=stupid

"Athletes, we hold you to high standard, you should think about that. You are not musicians, stop acting like them. The hip hop generation has come a long way, but it's never going to be accepted by everybody.

"BTW-My favorite player of all time was Larry Bird."

You don't say.


(S)wine said...

She did a gig on the Today show a while back. She didn't sound bad at all. And she looked great: very shy and reserved. She looked modest. I liked the performance--understated, but full of heart.

Is she still with Robbie Ginepri? You can dig that up for us.

The Corsair said...

I've liked Minnie Driver since her breakout performance in GWH, and the way she handled Matt Damon dumping her on Oprah with panache. She's now dating some Australian lucky dude. On December 20th, in an interview with Moviehole, she said of him, "'nobody that you'd know and not famous. But he's amazing. We met in an airport during a delayed flight, super-romantic. He's an academic and I'm not telling you anything more,' the 34-year old actress says smilingly."

(S)wine said...

Nice. Didn't know Damon dumped her on Oprah.

The Corsair said...

yeah, Oprah asked if he was single, he said yes. Which was news to Minnie Driver.