Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Liz Smith at the LA Times Book Festival


Ah, Liz Smith and books. We love the smell of old books and pipe tobacco in the morning. It smells like ... pretentiousness. Our favorite gossip columnist "with access" loves to pepper her ultrapositive "gossip" (That mysterious, unseen Michael Eisner "Kill Liz Smith" memo notwithstanding) avec les quotes from the literati. As if the odd quote from Chateaubriand or Gore Vidal mitigates the fact that she just reported on the Kevin Costner wedding.

And so did we (The Corsair sips a Madeira wine). But we like to splash swishy "fiery waters," "icy wit" and "astute political commentary" on top of our dish like true gossip gourmands, as opposed to the (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) quote game which fools no one. So, what was Our "Liz Smithy" to do when the LA Times Book festival rolled around? Mingle:

"At the Book Festival, I rubbed shoulders with Maureen Dowd of the N.Y. Times, Ken Auletta of The New Yorker, Maureen Orth of Vanity Fair, Jack Welch of Boston, Peter Bart of Variety and Arianna Huffington of all points."

Smashing. Diagnosis: If Liz rubbed shoulders with the self-consciously adorable Maureen Dowd, you're probably okay. Maybe. A shot of penicillin might not be out of order, though, as Maureen did have a "moist thing" going on with Michael --facelift, cough -- Douglas. And that puts her in the "sexual six degrees" of the virtually everyone in the fetid Hollywood DNA pool (eew).

As for rubbing shoulders with Ken Auletta, you'll want to destroy your pantsuit immediately, as there is no manner of dry cleaning known to man that can clean a jacket stained with "Auletta Mantan." With Maureen Orth, you're probably okay. We don't have any dirt on her.

With Jack Welch, you may want to file a harassment complaint, because Jack's horny with lady journos, quite frankly, and the "shoulder rub" (Averted Gaze) may or may not have been intentional on his part. And with Arianna Huffington, you may want to check to see if your wallet is intact. I'm just saying ...

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