Monday, April 04, 2005

A Little of the Old In and Out


(image via Life)

In: Liz Smith. Oh, we do so love it when embattled Lady Who Lunches and anti-blog snob Liz Smith goes on (and on) about older, "sassy" Texan blondes still having the touch. But her quasi-pornographic review of The Upside of Anger, starring Illinois-born actress Joan Allen was positively NSFW, to wit:

" ... It is Kevin Costner who anchors the film as a fleshy, washed-up athlete, living in a house littered with beer bottles and regret. At first glance, he's no prize, but being a sweetheart down deep, he keeps knocking at Miss (Joan) Allen's door, asking entrance to her all-female household in the grip of turmoil."

Joan Allen's "door"? "Down deep"? Is (jocular aside) "asking entrance to her all-female household" a totally porny way of saying, "open sesame" to her "sugar walls," Lizzie Smith? Or -- and we truly hope this is the case -- is The Corsair reading waay too much between (no pun intended) the lines? We hope it is the latter and not the former.

Out: Scientology. But not too out (Averted Gaze), if you know what The Corsair means (Do you see a theme developing for today?). According to our favorite superhero crime fighting gossip duo Rush and Molloy:

"John Travolta and Tom Cruise have forcefully denied allegations that they turned to Scientology to 'cure' them of their supposedly gay urges. But critics continue to claim the religion is rife with homophobia.

"Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote in his 1950 best seller, 'Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health,' that gays were 'sexual perverts' and 'very ill physically.'"

Apparently, physical illness ought not be an innate condition, but one to be summarily foisted upon a hapless audience by cinematic Scientology-inspired excrescences such as "Battlefield Earth," a saga of the Year 3000.

In: Progressive Entrepreneurs. The new HBO Air America documentary which Tina Brown raved about as a hot pick (Hey, Tina, bay, where's the "Hot Pick" love for The Corsair) and Matt Drudge got his panties in a twist over notwithstanding, Progressives lately have been all about The President's Ownership Society.

First you've got Al Gore's -- "Al Snore's"? -- INdTV network on the burner. Then, batting next, you've got the intriguing "Huffington Report" up and recruiting in the blogosphere. Progressive entrepreneurship is a wonderful and welcome development that will almost certainly bring a more robust element into the ongoing dialogue between the Left and Right in America. Cheers, and blog love.

Out: "Ghetto Wednesday." The Corsair does not know if this is so, but we'll post it anyway with that preamble affixed and see what feedback -- if any -- we get on the subject.

The excellent Katrina Longworth of Cinematical hips us to the lexicon of theater owners marketing to African-American audiences today. After speculating on why-oh-why Beautyshop was released on a quixotic Wednesday, she explains:

"The next day I got an email from Joe Swanberg, director/co-star of one of my favorite SXSW films, Kissing on the Mouth. Joe insisted that there was something much more serious going on here:

"'I don't believe this Wednesday release has anything to do with Spring Break,' he wrote. 'It's called Ghetto Wednesday and it's something that happens with almost every film aimed at a primarily black audience.

"Joe went on to explain that the practice of releasing Black-oriented films on 'Ghetto Wednesday' (coined in this review, by Rose Cooper, of John Singleton's Baby Boy) began as 'an attempt by theatre owners to keep as many black patrons as possible away from the theatres on Friday and Saturday.'"

Is this so? Enquiring minds want to know. Indie insiders email me at


In: Porter Goss, CIA Chieftain, Gentleman Farmer. We like this story about the CIA Chief, the man who keeps secrets, Porter Goss (Why do CIA agents and American diplomats always appear to have been given two surnames at birth?). It's all so St. John de Crevecoeur, this farming and serving government. According to USNews and World Report (link via Wonkette):

"His job is tough, the hours stink, and the critics just keep coming--take last week's report on intelligence failures leading up to the Iraq war. But there's one thing that keeps CIA Director Porter Goss smiling through it all: He's got Retreat Farm in the back of his mind. That's the 575-acre Virginia spread the former Florida congressman and his wife bought back in 1999 and have since turned into a producer of organically grown fruits, veggies, and lean meats.

"'He doesn't get there often,' says a friend, 'but it's always in his mind.' His plan was to move there, but then the job of a lifetime for an ex-CIA agent was offered. Before moving into CIA headquarters, Goss told Virginia Living magazine that farming 'was the opposite of Washington. This is nice . . . not cutthroat.'"

How fucking "Notes on the State of Virginia" is that?! Whether cultivating enemy sources, or cultivating wild sassafras ... whether spearing leaks or shearing sheep ... whether interacting with double-agents and dopers, or intercropping tomato and okra ... Our Man in the field Porter Goss is on the job. We like. Please don't kill us with some lethal injection thingie, Porter Goss, we're too cute to die.

Out: Morley Safer. A thousand young investigative reporters pray to their media gods nightly that Methuselan Morley Safer will retire, thus making way for a 60 Minutes shot. All for naught, alas, for as you can see below:


Safer has drunk -- via The International Asian Art Fair 2005 -- the distilled blood of Xangxi provincial peasants, rejeuvinating him, thus ensuring another thousand years of continued existence among the undead Master of the Universe at the art shows and philanthropy circuit.

In: The Sienna Miller-Jude Law Wedding, Postponed. Conde Nast editrixes can rejoice, at least for the moment. Your superlative example of "Euromanliness(TM)" is getting a stay of execution. TheSun reports that the wedding is on hold:

"JUDE LAW's wedding to SIENNA MILLER is on hold while their relationship goes through a rocky patch.

"I can reveal that she has recently confessed doubts to pals about whether the couple really have a future."

In the meantime, distraught Conde Nasties can review The Corsair's Stages of Grief at Jude Law's Impending Nuptials. And remember, there are other guys out there, although none so Judish.

No comments: