Madonna: Canned




She's conquered music, children's book publishing and British society, but film is proving to be Madonna's Waterloo. She just can't catch a break!

The Corsair has a pet theory that its because she insists on being sexy and glam. The cinema (The Corsair huffs) does not exist to enforce one's idealized self-image (Except in the case of Tom Cruise, who, in his films, is invariably "the best he does at what he does"). Madonna as an frumpy trailer park druggie in a small indie film would get an Oscar. The Corsair believes she would have gotten a nomination had she taken Kim Bassinger's role in "8 Mile." But she' s Madonna's too vain to see that reality clearly.

Anyway, according to the 3AM Girls:

"Organisers of the Cannes Film Festival in France recently decided the singer's new documentary was too poor to screen at the prestigious event."

(Averted Gaze)

"But despite spending hours holed up with Swedish director Jonas Akerlund making cuts and tweaks in a re-edit, 3am has learnt new flick, Re-Invented Process, still isn't going to make the festival."

Even with an imported Swedish Director!

"Madge and Akerlund, who also made druggie drama Spun, have been given a final thumbs-down and are said to be devastated the film has not been chosen for the festival.

"It's another humiliating blow for the Kabbalah Queen, 46, who's seen her film career hit the skids in recent years. Her appearance in Ritchie's Swept Away was panned, whilst a cameo in his next movie Revolver has already made the cutting room floor."

Most provocative headline: "Guy Ritchie Uses 'Revolver' On Madonna."

"A Cannes film festival insider confirmed: 'There is a huge amount of competition at the festival. Madonna's was just one of thousands.

"'We felt the documentary had a lot of merit, but in the end there were other more suitable submissions that pushed it out of the running.'"

Simultaneous Cannes Festival Insider Translator: The Re-Invention Process is naught else but simple shit.