Saturday, April 09, 2005

A Little of the Old In and Out


In: Razor Magazine, April 2005. The Corsair is a monthly columnist at Razor, so take what comes next as you will. In this month's Women on Top issue, enfant terrible Tama Janowitz interviews perennial boldfacer Baird Jones, and explains -- in the process -- how Baird gets in Page Six and Rush and Molloy so frequently (The Corsair is jealous). David Mamet on why crativity in Hollywood is DOA. And, The Corsair does Martha Stewart, whose Apprentice Show is forthcoming. Here's a taste:

"... Bear in mind the fact that the -- ahem -- 'pokey,' as it is sometimes known, is an arena where Martha?s particular, erm, 'skill set,' namely, the gentle art of homemaking, render her -- how does one put this elegantly? -- one smoking red-hot piece of ass. To put it succinctly, forget the market capitalization of Martha Stewart?s Omnimedia; behind bars, Martha can only be properly construed as the Microsoft of the 'jailhouse bitches.' Only the strategic vision of a Napoleon Bonaparte, the velvety diplomacy of a Niccolo Machiavelli, and, when occasion warrants, the finely timed right cross of Smokin Joe Frazier, could have possibly allowed Martha the necessary surcease to escape the rather extreme indemnity of being 'punked out' for, say, a frozen Almond Joy and the odd pack of Benson & Hedges."

Check it out. It's on newsstands now.

Out: Aslee Simpson. According to TheSmokinggun:

"The singer's most recent backstage concert rider, which you'll find below, describes her four-piece band's 'orchestration' thusly: 'Drums, Bass, 2 Guitars, and pre-recorded sequences operated by the drummer.' Along with keeping the beat, Ashlee's poor bandmate also has to press the play button (an indignity never suffered, of course, by Max Roach, Charlie Watts, or even the Spinal Tap drummers). The rider also includes the 20-year-old performer's dressing room demands, which include a jar of pickle relish and a 'Ubiquitous Deli Platter with appropriate condiments.'"

We prefer Fitty Cent's Tour Rider, which includes:

"For food, 50 demands a dozen assorted cookies, two buckets of KFC chicken, six corn on the cob, a case of beer, two gallons of milk, four gallons of juice and two loafs of bread (Ed Note: one white, one wheat)."

And that's just the light refreshments - he then specifies gut-busting banquets for breakfast, lunch and dinner.And of course, tobasco. You can't forget the tobasco when you're (air quotes) "getting hoodie."

The list also includes -- I am not lying here: soft toilet paper, creamy peanut butter, one jar of grape jelly, turkey sausage (who knew that Fitty doesn't have time for swine?), five dozen assorted doughnuts, "butter and marg," cereals(Kellogg's variety packs and Raisin Bran), sliced cheese tray (with four cheeses, onions, pickles lettuce in separate containers), pasta and tuna salad with a minimum of three dressings, "coldslaw" (sp?!), grilled chicken and tuna melt sandwiches, local specialty to be discussed, and a Saturday meal of BBQ Chicken, ribs and baked fish, a hearty deli tray with four meats and, the coup de grace, "four glass ashtrays."



Above: Cece Cord and Carrie Modine at the Animal Medical Center, circling each other, engaging in some impromptu "Crane Style Okinawa Kung Fu." Of which, the beloved Miyagi once said, "If done right ... no defense."

In: The Crocktails and Swamp Rock Benefit. Our favorite New York Social Chronicler writes:

"While we were at the CASA dinner on Tuesday night, Cece Cord and Bergdorf Goodman hosted a 'Crocktails and Swamp Rock' party to benefit the Animal Medical Center (a donation was made by both Ms. Cord and by Bergdorf's) and to celebrate the debut of her Spring/Summer handbag collection. Mr. C.C. Adcock lent his southern Louisiana flavor to the evening performing his infamous swamp rock melodies while cocktails and food reminiscent of the French Quarter were passed, courtesy of Food in Motion. Cece brought out the crowd. Muffie was there, and Debbie. And Fabian and Martina, not to mention Mario and Jamee and ..."

A lot more.

Out: Demi Moore. C'mon, Demi, don't be a magnum of chloroform (Zzzz), live a little. According to the 3AM Girls, Demi can't hang:

"The 42-year-old actress accompanied her toyboy Ashton Kutcher, 27, to a private dinner held by Donatella Versace on Thursday at Fifty, a swish new private members' club and casino in Mayfair. But she flagged before her younger lover and left more than an hour before him."

"We're told the Kaballists, said to be expecting their first child together, looked 'very loved-up' when feasting on gourmet cuisine. But Demi didn't join her fella at the gaming tables.

"'Ashton was up for placing a few bets,' we're told. 'But perhaps Demi is stricter in her observance of Jewish law, which frowns on gambling.'"


(link via Anandjohn)

In: Bohemian Mary McFadden. It appears the eccentric Mary McFadden is at it again, "airing out" her latest "manwhore" acquisition (No offense). according to Gatecrasher's excellent Ben Widdicombe :

"Designer Mary McFadden swept into the Four Seasons book party for Jack and Suzy Welch's 'Winning' last week with the requisite younger date, 50-ish photographer Aziz Rahman.

"The much-married fashion grande dame quipped, 'Sometimes I get confused about the names of my husbands, I'll switch around No. 5 and No. 11, or I'll forget their names.'

"Rahman, for his part, said he couldn't possibly be next down the aisle, because he has two other girlfriends."

Mary McFadden certainly likes the Persian meat (AKA "lean ground lamb"). We cannot fail to note, her fourth husband, one: Kohle Yohannan, that fetching little Persian-French mix breed (Averted Gaze), of whom The Old Gray Lady wrote:

"... At 16 he abandoned a fledgling career cleaning spark plugs for 25 cents apiece to become a fashion model, strutting his stuff down the catwalks of Barcelona and New York, where he also enrolled at the Fashion Institute of Technology and learned to make dresses.

"When he was 22 -- during his sophomore year at Columbia University -- he became the fourth husband of Mary McFadden, the fashion designer, who was 51; the relationship ended 22 months later in well-publicized recriminations. (In court papers, Mr. Yohannan described Ms. McFadden as an 'older, selfish, willful' woman who demanded 'rough sexual treatment' and 'group sex sessions.' She called him a 'toy boy' and a 'flake.' He left the marriage with a settlement of $110,000 and the couple's pet cockatoo, Socrates Zinzar Big Bux.)

"'God bless her, I was a lousy husband,' Mr. Yohannan said. 'I was so overwhelmed by it all.'"

Simultaneous Kohle Translator: "lousy" equals "gay"; overwhelmed equals "very well paid"


Out: Bill Clinton Hating. A wiser man than I emailed to let me know that The Corsair may have been a little unfair in blasting Bill Clinton over the Pope remarks on Thursday. Obviously, Bill Clinton didn't mean John Paul II was like him, but that all people -- and leaders of people, especially -- are flawed. Il Papa would have agreeed. The Corsair was cranky.

Besides, who can be angry at such a charming, people loving guy for long. The Corsair cannot think of a President in his life (The Corsair has lived through 5, not including reelections) in which his opinion varies from day to day than Bill Clinton. (Today, we like him, tomorrow -- who knows?)

In: Star Wars Jobs. Have you ever "constructed your own lightsaber"? Do you know what it means to make "the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs"? Do you long to munch on a "moist, succulent gimer stick"? One final question, s'il vous-plait: Would you prefer the company of a "Corellian Spice Miner" or a "Geonosan Cloner" over the prospect of a real live human being?

If you understand what the fuck The Corsair was just talking about back there, my dear, you may qualify to work on the Star Wars TV Show. Chances are you are now on line at a theater for the May opening of "Revenge of the Sith," but in the off-chance you are actually reading this, Cinematical reports:

" recently posted job hirings for new animated Star Wars TV shows and possibly the live action series. Lucasfilm's Jim Ward confirmed that a live action Star Wars television series is on the way, and likely to come out in 2006. Much speculation surrounds writer/director Kevin Smith's role in the series, if he has one at all. He has been mum on the subject for months now. When asked if he was involved in the tv show at various media events he's avoided answering the question with another question - who wouldn't want to be involved in a star wars tv show?"

Apply here. And, May the force be with you.

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