Monday, April 25, 2005

A Little of the Old In and Out


In: Scarlett Johansson (image via jassebombscans). While we believe that Scarlett, a woman who lusts after being in Debrett's -- of being titled, of being (Averted Gaze) "Eurorespectable" -- would be the perfect choice for Prince (King?) Albert II of Monaco to impregnate and marry (InTouch Weekly are saying Angelina Jolie is being aggressively courted, but we believe Angie will ultimately in go for Brad's looks and kisses over Albert's title and money), she is doing her second collabo with our favorite incestuous clarinet player, because, according to Variety (link via Cinematical), "Scarlett Johansson will be spending another summer with Woody in the U.K. Thesp has been cast as the female lead in Woody Allen's next film, which begins shooting June 28 in London."


Out: Mariah Carey. "Joy" is when Mariah (the noun referring to the person and not the verb meaning "crazy") has a record out. The self-proclaimed "Mimi" does any and all interviews, and gushes over the questions lasciviously. Mariah is about as subtle and as nuanced as a truculent belch. So, when she has an opportunity to make some entirely inappropriate sexual allusion, she will, thus gaining untold media coverage in the retelling, as she does here, according to Ananova:

"Mariah Carey has revealed she has a wardrobe just for her underwear."

Scoop #1: Mariah Carey actually wears underwear. We're guessing she sports "easy access" drawers, though.

"The singer says she has so much sexy lingerie it filled a large wardrobe in her house reports

"She said: 'I like lingerie that's lacy and normally white. But then I also love dressing up in pink lingerie - and black is hot too. I have everything laid out in colours so I can pick them out quickly.'

"She added: 'It's right off my bathroom so rather than going down to my main closet soaking wet, all dripping and nude, I decided to make a nice lingerie closet. That way I can jump out of my tub, run naked into the next room and put on a nice little number."

All the while ... spraying those ... crazy Mariah crystalline droplets of yum all over the crazy Mariah marble floor (TM) that crazy Mariah is sprinting on, buck naked, caramel-colored, like some crazy Mary Jane candy caught in some errant, idiot wind ...


In: Anna Nicole Smith's National Enquirer Column. Anna's priceless (well, maybe $86 million, and she'll "rock your world," if you can swing it); we love us our Anna. Her "column" (Arched eyebrow) is a national treasure as to the work we have yet to accomplish on the matter of Adult Literacy in the United States. A mind is a terrible thing to waste and all that jazz. It's almost like a Zen Koan, "What cannot read or write yet has a well read column?" This week, Anna goes to the Grad Ole Opry in her National Enquirer column:

"I've been wanting to go to the Grand Ole Opry my entire life and maybe even sing live on stage. I finally got my chance and it was everything I had hoped it would be. I got to see one of my idols, Loretta Lynn. She was incredible. She looks the same as she did 20 years ago. Vince Gill, Joe Nichols and Rebecca Lynn Howard also sang. They were great too. And all very cute. Did I mention cute?"

Anna's moral universe is a cosmic struggle between the forces of "cute," and "kinda uncute."

"Vince Gill tried to set me up with Joe Nichols. And this was on live TV! I even got to go backstage during the show. I met the country stars and took pictures."

Unless referring to celestial phenomena, we believe -- and strongly counsel -- Anna Nicole should refrain in future scribblings from mentioning the words "country," and "stars" in direct succession (Averted Gaze).

"Porter Wagoner was there and he sure does dress the part! What a thrill! Well, I didn't get to sing."

Dogs and other animals sensitive to high-pitched shrieking noises may presently rejoice:

"But one of the dancers did convince me to dance on stage. He said it would be really easy, only two moves. I said yes before I remembered I was sick and could barely stand."

Simultaneous Anna Nicole Translator: Sick = Ass Drunk off A Jug of Uncle Skyler's Moonshine, conveniently named "Smokey Mountain Daterape."

"The dancer tricked me. I was out there a whole song, way more than two moves."

Way, way more, cowboy, but don't even ask for a precise figure -- Anna Nicole's ability to navigate the (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) "upper integers" beyond the "2" is (Gales of soft chuckles, punctuated by a desperate gasping for air) dodgy at best. (The Corsair bites his fist)

"I thought I was going to die! And you shouldn't go country dancing with high heels and a wrap dress on. I know that now. My heel got caught on my dress and I may have showed a thing or two, if you know what I mean. Ooopsie!"

Okay, even The Corsair has his limits of indulging the hill people. Go here if you want to read more about the ethnoanthropology of everyone's favorite "Jim's Krispy Chicken" employee done good.

Out: Confederacy of Dunces. Well, not "Out" exactly, but shelved, definitely shelved for the time being, to our profound sadness, according to Indiewire's interview with David Gordon Green:

"iW: Yes, I heard you got a house in New Orleans. And speaking of New Orleans, what happened with 'Dunces'? [Green was slated to direct the long-awaited film adaptation of 'A Confederacy of Dunces' for Miramax, but the project has fallen apart.]

"David Gordon Green: 'Dunces' was burdened by the financial and political paperwork that ultimately shelved it creatively. It was at a standstill between so many people that had their hand in the project, and the financial baggage that accumulated over the last 20 years. We assembled what I thought was an extraordinary cast, and had what I thought was a wonderful adaptation of the novel written by Steven Soderbergh and Scott Kramer, but it was a circumstance where every move needed to be approved and calculated and re-approved and the financial circumstances needed to be reconsidered and baggage kept getting bigger and bigger, so it wasn't an ideal circumstance under which to make the creative movie that it should have been -- so who knows if that will ever happen, I hear different things, I don't think anyone can make it until someone gets paid off or dies [laughs]."

Free idea from The Corsair: A documentary (for IFC or Sundance) on the making and/or unmaking of The Confederacy of Dunces project.

In: The Cupcake Interview. The Corsair has a hard reputation. Intense, they say. Reclusive. Drinking, rhetorically prickly, moody, modelizing -- well, minus the "modelizing," anyway -- but we're drinking milk. We are all these things. And, a Gemini besides.

How does one soften one's "rep"? How does one evolve from being perceived as the hungover alphablogger type, into a more in-touch-with-his feelings kind of guy? Most important: How does one get more people to participate in the "comments" section -- so often as empty as Jared Leto's head -- of his Corsair blog? With this (The Corsair rubs his hands together and laughs like an evil genius). Ron Mwangaguhunga AKA, The Corsair, does "The Cupcake Interview."

So you see, ladies (The Corsair slowly takes off his shirt), The Corsair is not dangerous. Quite the contrary (The Corsair turns on some mysterious Couperin). How could a man who eats pastry break your heart?

Out: Rebekah Hirsch? Perhaps The Corsair is reading too much into things. Those Page Sixxies ran a provocative blind item today, saying, "WHICH fashion house's publicity department is rejoicing over the departure of its leader? This p.r. head took credit for others' accomplishments, much to the dismay of everyone else." Then, as if by coincidence, According to Fashionweekdaily:

"While most of the guests stayed for the entire night, using the opportunity to do some spring shopping or to pick up a specially-designed T-shirt benefiting Riverkeeper, the buzz of the evening, at least among the industry crowd, was Rebekah Hirsch, Ralph Lauren�s vice president of fashion communications�, impending move to Chanel. 'Are you wearing Chanel tonight?' friends asked in jest as they examined her outfit, which, for the record, was by Ralph Lauren."

Hmm. We're just guessing here.

In: The Outdoorsmen: The Corsair was sent this by some PR firm, so if you're interested an downtown tonight:

"10:00 PM

"Monday, April 25thTribeca Cinemas

"Theater 154 Varick Street, NYC

"Admission is FREE on a first-come, first-served basis!

"Once a year, an exclusive group of men travel to a top-secret location somewhere in the wooded mountains of Washington State to compete in an all-day event they call The Outdoorsmen.

"They battle their way through a series of events that combine physical challenges with high-speed beer chugging. For the past 14 years, this dedicated group has competed relentlessly to bask in the glory of winning the coveted title of Outdoorsmen Champion.

"For more information, visit: here


Above: No, no, no. The Corsair will not do any Salma Hayek's "Cannes" jokes. There's quite simply no challenge. Too easy. Beneath our efforts. Where's the "sport"?

Out: Salma's "Cannes" Jokes. We could do endless Salma Hayek "Cannes" jokes, as today she joined the jury for that prestigious Film Festival, but no -- we will resist the urge, no matter how mighty the temptation. It would be terribly juicy ... to comment make lascivious "Palme d'Or" allusions, but -- no. We'll keep our Palme off her Cannes.


slyboots2 said...

Sorry honeybunny- been sick with the flu and kinda delerious. You have not been forsaken! I'm sure all of your loving fans/handmaidens will be all over the comments right away! We like you, we really really like you!

The Corsair said...

Thank you, sly. I think this is just one of those blogs where participation in the comments isn't in the cards. Many blogs are like that. I'm so jealous of "Sac," who has, hands down, the best comments section.

Anonymous said...

V.v. cute interview!

Rachel said...

Thanks again for taking the cupcake interview. Also, even though I'm leaving one, comments are overrated and can easily get out of hand, which is why I think we're seeing a lot of bloggers removing comments section. You have a fabulous, always-informative/fun blog, and I think that's way more important than a snazzy comments section any day.

The Corsair said...

you're right, sweet Rachel. I will not covet Sac's copious comments. No more comment envy.