Prince Albert: Goes In For 'Un Mariage Blanc'
With Monaco facing the daunting possibility of incorporation into France (Quelle Horreur!), and thus forfeiting their relatively clean air for unsavory, sulfurous cheese-smells (Averted Gaze), Prince Albert was considering -- according to Park Avenue Gossiper and occasional tyrant-loving dingbat Cin Adams -- what can only be properly construed as the 'Dixie Cup Method':
"Powers-that- be and hope-to-be talk of His new Serene Highness Crown Prince Albert marrying, doing it in a cup and producing the requisite male heir before Al's closet-size principality slides back to France."
Well, the "cup-love" is apparently no longer an option. And of the out-of-the-closet-sized municipality, according to our favorite crimefighting gossip duo, Rush & Molloy:
"Representatives of the prince - whose father, Prince Rainier, was buried Friday - are quietly approaching well-born women in Europe and America with an unusual proposal, we hear.
"The discreet go-betweens are said to be asking members of other royal families and carefully vetted socialites if they might be interested in 'un mariage blanc.' In other words, our source makes clear, the would-be bride 'wouldn't face too much time in the same bed. The contract would require a minimum of two male children, preferably three. But that could be accomplished through in vitro fertilization.'"
Ah (The Corsair contemplates Baron de Montesquieu while staring into the sunset), those European contracts, so precise -- those "Espirit de lois" -- micromanaging beforehand the precise amount of "ham slammys" exchanged by the aristos during awkward copulation for the sake of producing pretty heirs, and, of course, the proper jewelry compensation after the inevitable cold showers and alcohol drenched shame.
We will not entertain the possibility that this sounds suspiciously like a manifestation of the dubious "John-'Ho" relationship, so often regarded by conservatives as a "Quality of Life" violation if practiced on the streets, but good clean fun in Geneva:
"In exchange, the bride would get a trust - it could be as much as $100 million. She might get some of the jewelry of his mother, Princess Grace. And she'd get to be princess!"
His Royal Highness, Prince Pimp and Her Serene Royal 'Honess? Hoist your pimp chalice in toast.
"Among those said to be on the palace's wish list are such upper crust American beauties as Elizabeth Koch, Cornelia Guest, Amanda Hearst and Lauren Bush. If he can't snag one of those, it's said, he might fall back on an actress or a model. Representatives of the prince - whose father, Prince Rainier, was buried Friday - are quietly approaching well-born women in Europe and America with an unusual proposal, we hear."
Does the approach go anything like, "Hey, baby, wanna break Prince Albert off a piece for a spot in Debrett's?"