Wednesday, April 20, 2005

A Little of the Old In and Out

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In: Dustin Hoffman. Don't "hassle the hoff." (image via Girl.com.au)According to Rush and Molloy:

"Robert De Niro, Kevin Bacon, Jennifer Beals, David O. Russell and others turned out Monday night to honor Dustin Hoffman - to pay homage, not only to his oeuvre, but his schnoz.

"De Niro, who co-starred with Hoffman in 'Sleepers' and 'Wag the Dog,' noted that he teamed with him again on 'Meet the Fockers,' in which 'he was one hell of a Focker.'"

Dustin Hoffman is a little like Bill Murray to me. The Corsair remembers seeing him pick up his daughter, Nora, at the UN School back in the mid 70s. "Kramer Versus Kramer" had just come out, and the older kids were in absolute utter fucking awe. "That's Dustin Hoffman!" They would mutter, losing their too-cool-for-school facade entirely. That ordinary looking guy, The Corsair thought? Who cares?

As The Corsair was only in Junior 2 at the time, and The Little Rascals were the only superstars worth swooning over, you will pardon our naivete. But years later, after seeing Hoff in "Kramer Verus Kramer," we became the absolute fan. Granted, he has been doing a lot of ... dubious films of late. That Fockers shit and all. But his work in "Finding Neverland" and -- gasp -- "I Heart Huckabees" proves that he still has the chops.

And perhaps there will never be a more perfect portrayal of the breakup of the first marriages of the Baby Boomers than "Kramer Versus Kramer." Dustin Hoffman, thespian, thou rockest hard.

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Above: Leona Helmsley rocking the retro-Lenoid Brezhnev look. You do your thing, Leona ... you (Averted Gaze) .. do your thing.

Out: "Trouble." We don't know who is more pathetic in this story, Leona Helmsley, her free range 6 year old Maltese bitch "Trouble," or the guy who needed to involve the long arm of city government all up in his "pooch issues." This one's a doozy, you might want to sit your ass down for it. According to the Page Sixxies:

"LEONA Helmsley's pint-sized pooch, Trouble, is living up to her name. The 6-year-old Maltese, who's allowed to run around unleashed at the Room With a View restaurant at Helmsley's Park Lane Hotel, is accused of terrorizing a doggie-phobic diner.

"Aladdin Atassi tells PAGE SIX that he got up to leave the eatery last Sunday because Trouble kept sniffing his legs under his table, despite his complaints to the restaurant's staff.

"'Then it got between me and the door and started snapping and barking at me and trying to bite me,' Atassi said. Atassi, a Texan who is staying at the Park Lane with his grandmother for their annual theater trip, said he lodged a complaint with a manager."

The Corsair was about to launch into a protracted inquiry into tangled web of how a grown man could possibly feel threatened by a 6 year old Maltese, then, as if in answer to the line of questioning, the "annual theater trip with grandmother" factoid came up, thus cleared away the cobwebs and the sorrow .. til there's none.

"'He told me the dog's owner owned the hotel and there was nothing he could do, so I called the city Health Department,' Atassi said. This isn't the first time that tiny Trouble ? who wears pink ribbons in her hair ? has been accused of bad behavior."

(Averted Gaze) The bitch had pink ribbons in her hair ... come on, now ...

"Park Lane staffer Zamfira Sfara alleged in court papers in January that Trouble 'viciously' bit her and other employees."

When pronouncing the word "viciously," extra emphasis must be placed on the first consonant. Finally, a hard snapping sound must be made afterwards.

"'Trouble is a loving, friendly dog,' Helmsley spokesman Howard Rubenstein insisted. 'I'm sorry that Mr. Atassi misunderstood the dog's effort to cozy up to him. He and his grandmother are invited to have lunch or dinner at the hotel as Leona's personal guests.'"

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Above: Masterpiece Diva. (image via Enzogiobbe)

In: The Dakota Fanning Watch. While we realize that, yes, this could be construed as an activity prohibited under Meghan's Law, Defamer's Dakota Fanning Watch is strangely fascinating stuff, and, quite frankly, awfully cute, "... Another tipster informs us that Fanning?s handlers show a blatant disregard for the prevailing low-carb nutritional wisdom, as a fresh shipment of Krispy Kremes are flown in each day from Sydney to the Charlotte?s Web shoot in Melbourne." La Principessa! The next thing you know, dear readers, vintage carbonated fruit drinks will be spirited into her trailer via the South China Seas, and world champion double dutchesses will be bought to play with her in between shooting, all included, shrewdly, in her contract rider. (Averted Gaze) Oh, where does the deluxe Diva behavior end? (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)

Out: John Bolton. Imagine being chased around a Russian hotel room by a man in a "Got Milk" moustache, crazed Brittney Murphy eyes and a cracked little giggle. *The Corsair shudders* Although Fox News reports that the White House has renewed it's support of Bolton, Republican Russ Feingold opposes his Ambassadorship. The surprise defection of Republican George Voinovich, who wanted further hearings on Bolton in the light of the gone-batshit-in-a-Russian-hotel allegations doesn't augur "ducky" for the White House. Or Bolton, for that matter.

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In: Emanuel Lewis, AKA, Webster. (image via Americanphoto) Emanu-fucking-el Lewis. (The Corsair sips a Macallan and soda) According to the AP:

"A police officer will be reprimanded for not giving a speeding ticket to former child television star Emmanuel Lewis after he was clocked driving 25 mph over the posted speed limit while towing a trailer loaded with an sports utility vehicle.

"Lewis, the former star of the '80s television series 'Webster,' got off with only a verbal warning when he gave his autograph and posed for a photo with the police officer and the police chief in this southwest Georgia town. Lewis, who now lives in the Atlanta area, was clocked driving through town at 70 mph in a 45 mph zone.

"Although police officers can use discretion in issuing tickets, the Warwick City Council concluded Tuesday that Officer Ron Kirk's actions were improper."

Out: Tom Touchet, Today Show Executive Producer. (The Corsair is not even going to try to pronounce that last "sexual harassmentish" name in mixed company) Being Executive Producer of NBC's most profitable show is a rummy, ultracompetetive business that robs one of basic human dignity. Not to mention the cumulative wear-and-tear on the ole kneecaps that "orally servicing" all those publicists for their A-List talent does to bone cartilage. Touchet will presently have some time to rethink things, to "smooth himself out." According to the LATimes (link via Iwantmedia):

"NBC fired 'Today' show executive producer Tom Touchet from his post Tuesday afternoon, shaking up the morning show juggernaut amid signs that ABC's 'Good Morning America' is closing the gap with its top-rated rival.

"Lauren Kapp, a 'Today' spokeswoman, confirmed Touchet's removal but offered no specifics about his departure or replacement, saying that NBC would release more information about the change today.The network is reportedly considering tapping NBC Sports producer James Bell and MSNBC executive Phil Griffin to take over the news program.

" ... Rumors of Touchet's impending dismissal had circulated for several days amid intensifying focus on the show's ratings.'Today' is watched by an average 6 million people daily and brings in an estimated $300 million in advertising revenue a year. But in the last year, its lead over 'Good Morning America' has been cut almost in half, to an average of 662,000 viewers. "

2 comments:

Carolyn said...

Ron - Dusty is da bomb! And I did love him in Fockers... but Huckabees? Should be renamed F*ckabees because he is that perfect in it! (So perfect I wanted to lay him - not "F*ckabees" as in "Suckabees." You get it.)

(The Undiscovered Superstar takes a chug of her Diet Coke with Lime...)

Dakota Fanning is going to crack. She may do it later than Barrymore did, but she will fall harder. Just look at that terse little "I hate all you f-ers" smile. Where is her mother?!

Diva, indeed.

Ron said...

Hey Sweet Caroline: Dusty Love! Re: Dakota Fanning. They start so young, don't they? Today the "Krispy Kreme" proviso, tomorrow she's JLo, demanding peach scented candles on every flat suface of her rented penthouse. I love the Howard Stern story about him seeing a crowd of well-heeled Manhattanites gawking midafternnon, only to break through the Armani'd throngs to see that they are all staring at ... Dakota Fanning. Yeah ... she's going to crack. (The Corsair rubs his hands together) She's gonna crack.