Saturday, April 30, 2005

A Little of the Old In and Out

razor

In: Razor Magazine. Regardless of what that gutless coward Larry Dobrow says (Averted Gaze), check out the latest issue of Razor Magazine. Aside from the Pam Anderson cover story, "39 Mavericks 2005," an in-depth story on Howard Dean as the new DNC Chair and where he's leading the Democrats, there is also The Corsair's hugely subjective, wild ride "Top 10 List," of which:

"A top 10 celebrity list of hot women is a complicated enterprise to pull off. (The Corsair sparks up a full-bodied Partagas Black cigar) So many of the same names appear on every list. Generally, the journey begins with Lindsay and ends, sweatily, in Paris. (The Corsair draws slowly on cigar) We'd rather not end up in Paris, or Brittny, or any such Old World sounding terrain. New World's becon ... Shall we begin?"

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Out: Richard Rodriguez to helm King Conan. Rodriguez has an innovative sense of screen design, and a solid sense of where he wants to take the tough guy genre, but we're not exactly sure the ID-driven (Without the mitigating sense of noir) "King Conan" is the right project for him. Conan is 80s monosyllabic and one-dimensional. Great special effects won't make him an interesting character. This latest comic book movie just doesn't -- as of yet -- inspire us to salivate; anyway, from Moviehole:

"Mr Film Fantastic, Robert Rodriguez, looks set to helm the next 'Conan' sequel. The Arnold Fans has discovered that John Milius, who has been trying to get a third 'Conan' film off the ground for longer than gas has fuelled cars, has been given his walking papers - and that Rodriguez, currently spinning a lot of bank with 'Sin City,' is the Barbarian's new pop.

"'John Milius had a 5 year contract to be on the WB lot, however, after WB gave Conan away to Rodriguez, they decided they did not need Milius and kicked him off the lot without renewing his contract,' says the site. Milius had been working on 'King Conan' - which tells the story of the Barbarian and his son - for quite a while. It's believed he recently talked to wrestler Triple-H about filling Arnold Schwarzenneger's shoes, upon discovering Arnold's too busy playing Governor.

"It's not known whether Rodriguez plans on using Milius' idea for 'King Conan' or whether he's going to start afresh, and whether he's going to try and coax Arnold Schwarzenegger back to the role of Conan or take on Milius' idea of bringing in Triple-H. We shall see."

Yea, verily ... (Raises a glass of mead; places it back down; Averted Gaze).

retardie

Above: Rosie O "emotes" with "coltish beauty," the frosty Texas-born Andy McDowell. Emilio Estevez is still "punching the air in triumph."

In: The Other Sister, Rosie O Plays "Developmentally Disabled." "Is her lumpy form in a Tweety Bird T-shirt depressing? Is her nascent sexuality hard to contemplate? You must have no heart. And you will have to come around to her innocent wonders." So asks Virginia Hefferman in the NYTimes. First Alessandra Stanley applies the lash to Katie Courik's juicy, unblemished gams, and now this!

The Corsair didn't really want to bring this low-grade-piece-of-ass "Hallmark" special up, because, well -- it's, like, (sotto voce) extremely un-PC. Extremely. But, Lindsayism did, so -- oh well, blame her:

"I opened my Entertainment Weekly last week and was delighted beyond words to see an ad for a new TV movie starring Rosie O'Donnell clearly in the role of a mentally handicapped adult (you know, because she has a vacant look on her face and her shoes don't match, just like all developmentally disabled adults!):The movie is called 'Riding On the Bus With My Sister,' and it will air on CBS on Sunday, and if you think I haven't already set my DVR, you're, uh, retarded."

It's not that The Corsair would ever laugh at the "developmentally disabled" (We wouldn't) ... it's just Rosie's involvement ... Rosie the aggro-blogger sporting the telltale "shortpants," (The Corsair softly chuckles) "the happy pastel colors," Rosie engaging in "the circular bus rides," (that, no doubt, charm and bewitch the untaxed minds of the Hallmark special simulated townspeople) and, invariably, the telltale "elsewhere smile" stretches across her face; it is all so ... goddamned ... fire. May The Corsair suggest an Enny for casting?

Virginia Hefferman continues, heartlessly, but not without mirth, in the Old Gray Lady:

"If you're going to even think about watching 'Riding the Bus With My Sister,' which appears Sunday on CBS, you're going to have to know what it's about. And once you find out, instantly, you're going to form a heartless first impression.

"But if you read on, you'll have to suspend that first impression, and warm to the subject, and even then, in the end, I might ultimately tell you that your first impression is right and that this is a profoundly embarrassing movie.

"Ready? 'Riding the Bus With My Sister' is about a developmentally disabled woman played by Rosie O'Donnell. That's right: As Beth, Ms. O'Donnell dresses in wacky childish clothes and talks in a volume-inappropriate way and wears mismatched shoes and rides a hilarious bus around and around with her motley bus family. She annoys and enlightens the people she meets. And at times she shouts, in a voice you can probably imagine, 'I am a person!'"

Goddamn, Virginia, we are so there.

Out: The Ultraviolent 50 Cent Video Game. The Corsair doesn't get it. We hatehatehate ultraviolent video games; we always have been against them and what they do to the already attention-deficit kids of the Y Generation (Xtreme sports, anyone? Three minute videos instead of a 300 page novel?).

These video games are going to have a bad effect -- IMHO -- on the weak-minded (not everyone, mind you, only the weak minded) who play this game. IMHO. So, after turning downtown into a shooting gallery earlier this year, Fitty releases an ultraviolent video game, with its own trailer (For MTV), where he/you can blow people away in slow-mo with 12-gage shotguns and crack heads against counter-tops "Pesci-style" to the soundtrack of Fitty?!

Ed Bradley's brilliant open ended 60 Minutes piece. IMHO.

In: Don't Look Mariah Carey in the Eyes. Of course, another day, another interview in which Mariah unravels -- no pun intended -- her vida loca. To wit, from contactmusic:

"MARIAH CAREY and ex-husband TOMMY MOTTOLA underwent counseling in a bid to save their marriage, but the pop star is convinced the former SONY boss only agreed to the sessions to 'get into my head.'

That's, actually, a Pandora's box left firmly shut.

"The singer reveals her former husband agreed to counselling sessions when she told him she felt stifled in their relationship.

"She says, 'They did nothing for me because I couldn't talk about myself and my own issues from childhood. It was all just a tool to get into my head.'"

One might say that this prolonged, charm-braceleted childhood is Mariah's problem. That, and high-velocity dish slinging.

"Carey admits her home life was hell because she felt all the staff she and Mottola employed hated her. She found out later that her ex had told them all not to look the mistress of the house directly in the eyes."

Come on, a Tommy Mottolla employee disgruntled? Noo..

"She adds, 'It was like, every time I came around, somehow everyone was about their business.
"It wasn't until I left, that I found out that they were told not to look me in the eye.'"

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Above: Iron-man-Drinking-Champion Nick Nolte generously adjusts Bai Ling's "decolettage" at the Tribeca screening of "Beautiful Copuntry"

4 comments:

la depressionada said...

you say you've probably encountered this guy in your 10 years in the perineum of the new york social scene? sounds like he's caught between a rock and a hard place.

Ron said...

Possibly. I'd definitely love to meet him face to face, though. I emailed him, extended a formal invitation, told him I wouldn't edit his response, and he hasn't answered, nor do I think he will. He's more of a hit and run artist. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll run into him at something, or some bar ... then maybe we''l get to the bottom of the why's.

Anonymous said...

Just because TV execs are exploitative really doesn't make it OK to be insensitive in return.

That kind of thing is why I don't and won't read Lindsay's blog. The word "retarded" as synomonous for generic stupidity: that's not cool. It's not an issue of PC- it's about a very basic sense of empathy for others.

Bubbles, Ink. said...

rosie is starting to resemble rocky from "mask."

what next? drive motorcycles throughout europe?