Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The Snoop Doggy Blog

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Above: Budding actor and pimp, Snoop Dogg "emotes."

Lloyd Grove -- the hip hop gossip columnist, of late -- is on a scoop streak. Yesterday, "The Stamos," Today Lowdown reports:

"The cornrowed rapper/actor, aka Calvin Broadus, promised to come to Monday night's Tribeca Film Festival after-party at Lotus for 'The L.A. Riot Spectacular,' which he narrates.

"But Snoop party-pooped - never leaving the bash for 'The Tenants,' in which he acts, at the nearby nightclub Aer."

Is what Snoop Dogg does called acting? Do we have a consensus on that? The Corsair saw the regrettable "Bones" (Averted Gaze). Okay. I'm just saying. Proceed:

"Party publicists at Lotus grew frantic as the night wore on and their No. 1 guest failed to appear.

"An 'L.A. Riot' production staffer finally passed the word that Snoop 'had gone home to his hotel room to smoke chronic.'

"Another party staffer seethed: 'For him to be just one block away shows he's not supporting his own movie!'"

Come on. Naivete is so unbecoming, especially in the jaded entertainment industry. Let's keep it real. Snoop's "hood." He's a self-professed pimp. He's (The Corsair leans in confidentially) -- what the French call "L'Homme du Boulevard." (street)

Party monogamy? Please. To expect Snoop Dogg to support a project is futile.

"Lowdown hears that at Aer, Snoop holed up in a back-corner table of the Premiere magazine lounge and gestured emphatically to the deejay, who was spinning this and that. The deejay seemed oblivious. In due course, Snoop commanded his bodyguard to send the message: 'Yo, Snoop wants Snoop.'"

Snoop was doing postmodern irony. We give him a 6.5 on the meta discursive dismount. But guess who has to suffer:

"Guests - including co-star Dylan McDermott - were subjected to Snoop's tunes for four hours straight.

"Bizarrely, Snoop was spotted sipping herbal tea from a tiny cup and saucer, extending his pinkie, mid-sip, like the Queen of England."

(The Corsair says matter of factly) There comes a point in any ongoing "chronic marijuana cypher" when the participants fall into the Victorian damsel routine. This may have something to do with the herb being especially "perturb," thus unlocking hidden ancestral memories. And what not. Opinions vary, but this occurs usually after the seventh or eighth hit of "the hydro."

Just ride it out. The worst that could happen is that he might break into some robust seamstressing. Or, maybe exit briskly to sell some butter and eggs on the street. Or some down with the rare case of Typhoid fever. No biggie, either way. After some more tokes, he should return to normal dice-slinging, 'ho pimping self. Only with a deeper understanding and appreciation of horseback riding, sidesaddle.

5 comments:

slyboots2 said...

In high school health class they told us that chronic use gave men superfluous nipples. Like pigs. And he said that babies born to smoking (not cigarettes) parents could be born sans heads. So maybe Snoop will also experience these atrocities and faint dead away...the vapours are Victorian...get that man a chaise longue!

dParker2.0 said...

So, Snoop has gone all "herbal tea", eh? (Herbal Tea = Granola with an "urban" twist). Pretty soon I guess he'll be either be dating Erykah Badu, or recording new tracks with her and Common, and those "uber-talented" guys from OutKast.

Ron said...

"herbal" tea, huh?

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