Media: Left Behind

"Without any warning, passengers on an airborne Boeing 747 mysteriously disappear from their seats. Nothing remains except rumpled piles of clothing. Terror and chaos reign worldwide as the cataclysm unfolds. For those left behind, the apocalypse has just begun."



Left Behind

Tim LeHaye and Jerry Jenkins� novel, Left Behind has gotten major publicity lately as the holidays near, the newsweekly magazine's clamor, and Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ tops the box office. Of course, the "leftist blue state media cultural elite" remain skeptical. But should they? What would happen if The Rapture came to Michael's? We wonder ... (dreamy music)

Dramatis Personnae:

Jayson Blair: Are you kidding me? Left behind.

Tim Russert: Whisked upwards to a celebratory dinner with Pat Moynihan, Pope Leo XIII, Kierkegarrd and Disraeli, all of whom have already began on the peppery cognacs, all the while making acute observations on the unfolding scene.

Bonnie Fuller: Mysteriously vanished, to heaven, to better press, leaving sandwich crumbs to the consternation of her bitchy detractors.

Howie Kurtz: Whisked to heaven in time to sup with Eric Sevareid and Marshall McLuhan.

Rupert Murdoch: Left behind to do play defense for the anti-christ. Waiting for Verbrecherwelt.

Graydon Carter: mysteriously vanished, leaving Saville Row suit and Winston Light cigarette ashes.

Don Imus: Left behind. Way behind. Keeping it gully.

Felix Dennis: left behind and proud of the fact, yelling at the sky "Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven." Effectively inaugurating the Rapture. Great going, Felix.

Harvey Weinstein: Was thought to be mysteriously whisked to heaven -- at least that's what Matthew Hiltzik's press release said, but it turns out he was hiding out at The Ivy. A Miramax publicity stunt. His bad.

Jim Romenesko: Whisked to heaven leaving behind thousands of anxious journos with no place to get their hot media scoop.

Harry Evans and Tina Brown: Whisked away heavenward, creating a bit of an Event-oid in the media.

Donald Trump: Left behind. serves on the boards of director's of several of the Antichrist's companies. Has several lucrative subcontracting gigs with Iblis. Reciting elegiacal couplets.

Dick Parsons: Whisked away; Gerald Levin: Left Behind

Roger Ebert: Wisked Away; Roeper: Left Behind

Marty Peretz: Left Behind. When God Himself wrote a letter to TNR to explain the decision, Peretz heavily edited it.

Laura Zalaznick: The President of Trio is whisked heavenwards, she is programming on Cloud 9, God TV.

Christopher Hitchens: Surprisingly whisked away, leaving behind a tumbler full of Johnny Walker Black.

Eric Alterman: Surprising everyone, he is Left Behind.

Ralph Nader: Left Behind; Nader retaliates by running for God in 2008.

Kurt Anderson: Whisked Away, leaving a deficit of wit in the media.

Christiane Amanpour and Jamie Rubin: Later this week, Amanpour reports on living conditions in Hell and possible breaches of Canon Law in the treatment of devils.

Martha Stewart: Surprisingly whisked away at the end of her prison term after finding Jesus at Club Fed. Offers splendid tips on the beautification of Heaven and cleaning the pearly gates.

Dennis Miller: Oh, God, Left Behind. In the Divine Plan, his show, in primetime, will serve as punishment for the perverse nature of fallen man left behind.

Michael Hirschorn: Whisked away to heaven. Will executive produce an interview with God, to be aired on Zalaznick's GodTV.

Charlie Rose: Whisked heavenward, whereupon he immediately gravitated towards the high rollers -- the St. Peter crowd -- and landed a God interview on Zalaznick's GodTV.

Katrina Van Den Heuvel: Whisked away to a better place with better human rights standard.

Les Moonves: Do you even have to ask (fans sulfurous brimstone clouds)?

Arianna Huffington: Surprisingly left behind. Managing Nicolae's presidential run.

Bill Kristol: Left behind to search for wepons of mass destruction.

Chris Matthews: Surprisingly whisked away, only to get on the nerves of FDR, asking endless Brian Lambish questions the second he gets up there.

Diane Sawyer: Surprisingly whisked away. Quickly develops alliances with high rollers.

Howard Stern: Not surprisingly, left behind.

Andre Leon Talley: whisked away leaving a fabulous wardrobe.

Richard Johnson: Whisked away, leaving a giant vaccum of interesting chatter on this planet.

Michael Wolff: Whisked away, but very critical of Peter's handling of the backed up lines at the pearly gates, or, as he called it, HeavenCom

Michael Musto: Whisked to heaven, where he was fitted with a fab pair of wings.

Jon Stewart: Left behind to head up the resistance in the media to the antichrist, then whisked up angelically before the Rapture.

Bill Mahar: Surprisingly whisked away to heaven, but is still bitter that it occurred just as his HBO show was a critical hit.

Lloyd Grove: Whisked away in recognition of his much improved and much appreciated column.

Geraldo Rivera: Left behind, but makes the best of his time and ambition, chasing the antichrist for an exclusive.

Peter Jennings: Heavenwards, north of Canada, eh?

Rush and Molloy: Whisked away to heaven, scribbling good scoop while on the line to the pearly gates.

Brian Lamb: Whisked away; but very nearly sent back after seemingly eternal questionings of the Great Political Philosophers -- and even God Himself -- about the nature of government.

Toby Young: So very left behind.

Liz Smith: whisked away to heaven, where she landed a dinner seat between Petronius and Marcel Proust.

George Stephanopoulos: Surprisingly left behind, drinking the black wine of Cahors, elixir of Popes, Playing an eerie tune on a reed pipe in homage to the antichrist!

basta!

(Janet Jackson photos below this blog; scroll down)

A Little of the Old In and Out

In:

Bonnie Fuller. I read, with horror, the Vanity Fair (Unfair) profile of Bonnie, which brought up everything from a sad incident in her impoverished past with a Marshall, coworkers fouling her food, her children's pictures that adorn her door at work and the bitchy comments that co-workers have made about them, but The Kicker gets it right when they start reporting on the crumbs in her sammich. Overkill. Just because someone is a perfectionist doesn't make her media punching bag number one. Charles Manson shouldn't be treated in the manner Bonnie is treated. The Corsair is now, 100 percent pro-Bonnie Fuller. You can kick a girl only so much before this 145 pound African wolfpack steps up to the plate, Ninja-Style. Never let em see you sweat, Fuller; I got your back.

Out:

Lizzy Grubman. As Cindy Adams reports, "LIZZIE Grubman heading for an 'Apprentice'-type MTV show come Sep tember. Winner gets a p.r. job. 'I'm knocking off Donald,' she says." And I hope she means in the ratings and not some more of the old SUV treatment.

In:

Hugs not drugs. Gothamist gives you your very own chance to air your thoughts on the most interesting picture in the world currently circulating. Pimp Snoop Dogg mesmerizing The Olsen Twins, the most powerful media force in the world, no, the galaxy, with his funkadelic chalice and syrupy pimp juice. Caption this puppy, please. Please.

In:

Israeli Porn. Variety writes, "Israel's High Court of Justice unanimously ruled on Wednesday that the Playboy channel can continue to be broadcast in the holy land, thereby ending three years of legal sparring over the legality of its broadcasts. The special 11-justice panel rejected two petitions against the adult channel on cable and satellite television in Israel, but, amazingly, the judge decided to uphold the freedom of expression and even noted that the pornographic content of the channel was 'relatively light.'"

Out:

Celebrity Religion. Yesterday we blasted Jim Carrey and his pseudo religiosity that emerged from his forgotten Randian tint. Now Jeff Bridges, on his weblog, espouses some poo poo religiosity, "Free your heart from hatred, Free your mind from worries, Live simply, Give more, Expect less." Less cliche, eff, now shut up and act.

In:

The Passion of The Lisa Whelchel. Lisa Whelchel, who played Blair Warner on Facts of Life heartily endorses The Passion of the Christ in her blog, "I have been struck lately with �the power of one!� What a difference � what a life-difference, one person, obeying their call can make in this world. Obviously, a very recent example of this is Mel Gibson. What a worldwide impact this one man, just doing what the Lord prompted him to do, is going to have on eternity.

"(I like what [her daughter] said last week when we were discussing this. She said, �Does this mean that Mel Gibson is a Christian?� I answered, 'Apparently, so.' She quickly responded, 'Cool! I�d love to spend eternity with Mel Gibson!')" You, Blair, and tens of millions of annoying "crossover" music listeners.


Out:

Cindy Crawford's marriage is very out. Most bloggers figured this one out when Page Six ran the blind item about the philandering husband who frequents bars and his former supermodel wife.

Now, Star Magazine, that significant cultural artifact, pokes at the burning embers, "On Feb. 26, five-and-a- half years (and two kids) into their seemingly model marriage, Cindy Crawford and husband Rande Gerber strolled outside a Brentwood, Calif., gym. As they walked side-by-side, arms interlaced, they kissed in the parking lot, looking like the perfect devoted husband and wife.

"Coincidentally or not, the day before Cindy and Rande's public display of affection, an item in The New York Post's Page Six gossip column reported the marriage of a 'former supermodel and her hubby' was on the rocks due to 'his constant philandering.' And although the identity of the cited couple can't be confirmed, Star has learned that bar owner Rande's philandering just may crush former supermodel's Cindy's marriage."

In:

Paul McCartney is fucking rich. The Beeb reports that, "Sir Paul McCartney's wealth is bigger than the combined fortunes of Sir Elton John, Sir Mick Jagger and Madonna, a list of the UK's richest stars reveals.
His estimated bank balance of �725m puts him top the Mail on Sunday's Rich Report 2004 for musicians.

"Sir Sean Connery leads the field of male actors, with his �66m fortune beating that of Sir Anthony Hopkins.

"And comedian Tracey Ullman, who lives in the US, is reportedly richer than Catherine Zeta Jones and Anne Robinson."

Out: The Predator/Editor. Governator Ahhnold is now going to edit magazines while running California. According to Reuters, "California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has accepted a new role for his busy schedule, that of executive editor of 'Muscle & Fitness' and 'Flex' magazines, his spokesman said on Friday." Come on, now; Arnold is a bold politician but does he even know what a dangling participle is? And no, it is not a side effect of D-balls [Dianabol].

Janet Jackson Exposed, Martha Stewart Convicted

Janet Jackson is once again, uhm, exposed in this German Magazine (warning: not safe for workplace environments). Although I am not 100 percent sure about the turquoise nail polish, and I did not take the picture in question, again, the source is adamant (okay, some guy on Velvetrope.com) that this is the real deal Those crafty Germans.

Jackson, according to The Scoop, has just been pencilled in to appear on SNL on April 10th to poke fun at herself:

"Another source familiar with the situation adds, 'She?s stayed out of the public eye since the whole Super Bowl fiasco. She?ll almost certainly do a skit that will refer to and spoof [the incident] in hopes of encouraging everyone to chill about this whole thing.'?

In other bad things celebrities do news, Martha Stewart was convicted of all counts against her. Sentencing scheduled for June 17, AP/Yahoo says:

"The jury of eight women and four men deliberated three days before convicting Stewart of all counts against her. The charges carry up to 20 years in prison, but Stewart will most certainly get much less than that under federal sentencing guidelines.

"Stewart, 62, grimaced as each count against her was read. Her eyes appeared to widen slightly.

"Her ex-stockbroker, Peter Bacanovic, 41, was convicted on all but one count against him, filing a false document."

Reuters noted early this morning that Omnimedia shares were skyrocketing, "Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. stock jumped $1.68, or 12 percent, to $15.71 in afternoon trade on the New York Stock Exchange. That's its highest level since June 2002."

But AP and the NYSE had the final wod, "Shares of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. were halted by the New York Stock Exchange on Friday shortly before the guilty verdict in her stock fraud trial was announced.

"Shares of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia rose $2.24, or 16 percent, to $16.27 before the hold was imposed at 3:02 p.m."

Margaret Cho, always outspoken, on Martha Stewart, in her blog,"It seems to me that America inherently hates it when women are wildly successful, and there is a built in punishment that comes along with that kind of wealth. I cannot follow a recipe for shit, but I can spot misogyny from miles away. Why do we hate women who beat all the odds and come out on top? Why are books written to 'expose' their financial 'deviance,' as well as their 'ambitchiness?' Double standards abound, when reality shows are devoted to the tough inner life of the poor soul who must play sorcerer's apprentice to Trump's Merlin, and from scratch making, raffia using, household tip knowing Martha Stewart is facing a possible jail sentence of twenty years. If her manner with the people she worked with was ugly, if she were truly the megalomaniac monster we are told she is, why are her male counterparts glorified for displaying the exact same behavior?"

Bonnie (Fuller) Come Lately

So there we were, listening to Beethoven's late quartets in the afternoon rain, sipping on a peppery cognac, reading Keith Kelly's NY Post piece on Bonnie Fuller, when all of a sudden, I exploded into laughter. What caused this waste of such a mature cognac?

"Staffers (at Star) are also said to be upset that Fuller frequently conducts meetings while eating a sandwich or a bun that gives off lots of crumbs. Fuller doesn't deny that she gobbles down food in front of staffers at meetings, but said it's a two-way street.

"'We're very free around here. Sometimes I have a sandwich. The other day I was at a meeting in which two staffers were eating sandwiches. We don't go out for lunch.'"

Okay, now I've heard everything. Sandwich crumbs are now media news? Look, I was never a big fan of Bonnie Fuller, but people are hitting her waaaay too hard and way too low. First that brutal -- bruutal-- Vanity Fair piece, which was just fucking nasty as far as I'm concerned, and now bitchy comments on her sammich crumbs? Come on now. Let's stick to the important things, people, like photos of Janet Jackson sunbathing nekkid and JLo's ex husband bad mouthing her.

Ya know?

Lizzie Spiers is also surprised by Crumbgate.

Dick Morris: How to Beat John Kerry

Say what you will about Francophile Dick Morris, the shady political operator who let a hooker listen in on his private strategy calls with former President Clinton, but you cannot call him incompetent. Today, in The Hill, Morris lays out a strategy whereby the Republicans can defeat that can of hairspray Senator John Kerry (The Corsair wanted John Edwards for the nominee). Morris writes:

"In opting for Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts and turning down Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina, Democrats have broken from the pragmatism and moderation that dominated their party�s profile under Bill Clinton and Al Gore in the 1990s."

(The Corsair nods, sadly)

"Their party has now moved back to the liberal extremism of Walter Mondale and Michael Dukakis that characterized the 1980s � with the same predictable result."

(The Corsair nods, sadly)

"It is now up to President Bush to take advantage of this by implementing a three-part strategy in the coming campaign.

"First, his paid media must attack Kerry�s voting record to define him as an ultraliberal. There are likely those in the White House who are urging Bush to run positive ads. That won�t work. Even if positive ads produce a small, short-term bounce for Bush, events soon will come to dominate, and the impact of those ads likely will evaporate."

(The Corsair lets out a depressed sigh)

For the other two reasons that will give anyone pause, check out Morris column here.

JLo's Ex Speaks: And, Damn, does he sound Bitter

That significant cultural artifact Star Magazine gives up the scoop with a bitter interview with JLo's first husband. Doesn't JLo know how to pay off your exes? I mean, arent there lawyers and private investigators in Hollywood who make a living taking care of exes?

Anyhoo: The 29 year old Cuban-born Ojani Noa, a former waiter who married J.Lo in early 1997 is speaking out to The Star's Nicola Pittam & Anna Holmes:

"'While I am very happy, Jennifer does not seem that way,' hunky Noa, who's releasing a calendar of semi-nude photos, declares. 'She has changed so much since I first met her. I'm sure her romance with Ben failed because she changed.'

"'Ben went through the same joys I had with her in the early days,' Noa says. 'It is all incredibly romantic, but then she changes. The more famous she becomes, the more different she is -- I think it happens because of the people she has around her, her team of advisers, managers and lawyers. It happened to me when I was married to her. There were times when even I had to go through advisers to speak to her.'

"Noa says that Jennifer was in major denial about her transformation, however. 'She turned to me [one day] and said, You're not the man I married, he says. 'We'd only been married six months. But I hadn't changed, it was her. All she thought about was her work. It kind of hurt in a way because I was really young and really naive. To be honest, it felt like a betrayal.'"

Check out Star for the rest of the story.

A Little of the Old In and Out

In:

Happy Birthday, Eddie Grant. You know Eddie. He was that affable 80s reggae singer who made "Electric Avenue." Well, today he turns 56. "And then we'll take it higher."

Out:

Ultraphony asshole Jim Carrey is definitely out. The National Enquirer's Robin Mizrahi paints a gloomy picture of the fake. She writes:

"'Jim (Carey) knows he's great at becoming other characters, but he feels he has no true soul of his own,' a close friend confided to The ENQUIRER.

"The twice-divorced performer also feels frustrated at not having found the right woman, but he doesn't think he'll find his soul mate until he first discovers his own true self, said the friend. And right now the spiritual pilgrim is practicing what he preaches.

"'Jim eats no wheat, dairy, sugar or processed food. No caffeine, either, and he doesn't smoke cigarettes or pot. And he's really into fasting - he actually enjoys feeling hungry,' revealed his friend.

"'Jim never does anything halfway. Even his house reflects his new philosophy - he's been giving away his possessions, little by little.'"

This, people, is the same Spiritual pilgrim who emerged from a rhino's ass.

In:

Minerals and herbs. Roger Friedman of Foxnews.com says of Jacko:

"When Jackson thought he was having a morphine overdose last December, I am told he called in one Alfredo Bowman, also known as 'Dr. Sebi.' Bowman is not a real doctor. He just plays one.

"Bowman ... is now staying with Michael in Aspen, feeding him minerals and herbs and talking to him very nicely. US Weekly says Dr. Sebi is 'detoxing' Michael from his addiction to alcohol and painkillers. " Hmmm. Minerals and herbs.


In:

Steroids. Lloyd Grove once again gives us the Sweet and Lowdown today. Interviewing extreme journalist Robert Young Pelton, just back from the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, who interviewed a CIA operative known pnly as "The Contractor." The Contractor says about combat readiniess:

"Most (CIA operatives) are into steroids big-time. D-balls [Dianabol] to bulk you up and Sustanon to help you maintain what you gained. The doctors turn a blind eye to it. We get the stuff across the border in Pakistan."

What the fuck?

Out:

Nerds. The geek shall inherit the earth. NY Times Martin Nisenholtz insists that although he knows things tech, he is not a geek.

In:

Arianna Huffington. The new in thing in Washington is to succeed in Hollywood. HBO's K-Street, Lawrence O'Donnell and Dede Myers consulting for NBC's The West Wing, and now Arianna Huffington, parlaying her run for Governor into political tv. Rush and Molloy write:

"Halle Berry and Alfre Woodard may be dueling it out on rival movies based on an incident in Tulia, Tex. Berry wants to play a defense lawyer for some of the 10% of the town's black residents who were falsely arrested on drug charges in 1999 on the word of a single cop. But 'Tulia' is still two years away. Meanwhile, producers Arianna Huffington and David Yudain have their own movie, 'Tulia, Texas,' ready to go for CBS, in which Woodard would star as Mattie White, whose four children were all arrested." I'm so there.

In:

Excess. From Page Six: "BEN Stiller washing his $41 hamburger down with a glass of Dom Perignon at Old Homestead." Damn, all I had was a bite of Bonnie Fuller's crummy sandwich for lunch.

Out:

Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. versus Charles Rangel. Page Six writes, "THAT State Assemblyman Adam Clayton Powell Jr. � one of the few Democratic legislators who spoke against the state's harsh ban on smoking and voted against the bill � held a fund-raiser last night at One on Little West 12th Street for his campaign against Rep. Charles Rangel, who won his Harlem congressional seat from Powell's father in 1970." Fuck. When are we Northerners going to figure out that the reason the South is so powerful is that they fall in line and reelect representatives for the long haul, thus garnering seniority, and thus helping the region. Rangel is fourth in line to head Ways and Means and is steering a lot of pork to Harlem. Electing Powell simply because he wants to avenge his pappy s no help to Harlem. And Al Sharpton insinuating himself into this mess and backing Powell because he felt Rangel slapped him in the face by endorsing Wes Clark doesn't help matters. Sheesh, Washington politics is as complicated as my last name.

New York Times Crystal Ball: Media Consolidation in 2004

The New York Times' Business Editor Larry Ingrassia was interviewed for Media Life Magazine and this chestnut dropped when asked what he thought the media story for 2004 might be:

"Media consolidation in broadcast television and cable, in entertainment, and how that plays out. You see it in the effort by Comcast to acquire Disney.

"There�s consolidation going on. How that proceeds and the extent to which it affects consumers of entertainment, news and information is a hugely important story."

A Little of the Old In and Out

In:

David Chappelle. Fuck, Dave is so in with The Corsair that I am about to name him the new Richard Pryor based solely on the "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" skit, easily some of the best comedy of the past decade. And I'm not alone in the praise. According to medialifemagazine.com, " 'South Park' has long been the MVP of Comedy Central, hauling whatever show airs after it to decent ratings.

"But now it looks like one of those shows finally has detached itself from 'Park's' coattails, to the point that it is now bettering its lead-in's ratings.

"Comedy Central's 'Chappelle's Show' starring Dave Chappelle had a strong week and helped boost the network to an even stronger February, up 10 percent over the previous month among adults 18-49.

"'Chappelle,' which airs Wednesday at 10:30 p.m., was responsible for a good part of that. Last week's episode made the top 10 on ad-supported cable among viewers 18-49 years old. With more than 1.9 million viewers in the group, it was the most-viewed episode since the show's Jan. 21 season premiere."

Out:

Skull and Bones. And I thought only African-Americans devised complicated secret handshakes to crafted to intimidate the uninitiated. But we are all "the man" to Bonesmen. Lloyd Grove gives us the Sweet and Lowdown:

"On the Feb. 8 installment of 'Meet the Press,' the President was similarly uncommunicative (ed note: about Skull and Bones).

"'It's so secret we can't talk about it,' he told Russert.

"'What does that mean for America?' Russert pressed. 'The conspiracy theorists are going to go wild.'

"'I'm sure they are,' Bush agreed with a nervous giggle."

The Corsair nervously giggles.

In:

Former Maine Senator, George Mitchell, the new "nonexecutive chairman" of Disney -- whatever that means. Mitchell is like Rob Lowe when it comes to jobs. He was Clinton's broker for the Irish Good Friday Agreement, a lawyer, an army intelligence officer, a Senate Majority leader and now this. Crazy like Swayze.

Out:

Madonna's panties. Jeannette Walls of MSNBC writes: "Madonna�s skivvies are up for sale. The lacy drawers that the singer wore in 'Evita' can be purchased for a mere $3,650 from Infinitely Better, a shop in Swindon, England." Greeeat. Madonna's bloomers, anyone ... Drawers? (frustrated) Kni...kni ... Knickers no, not ni -- I am not a racist, in fact I am black ... (sighs) anyone want these things? No? I kinda figured.

In:

Billionaire children's book writer JK Rowling. In an web chat interview to mark World Book Day she hinted she might write a beyond the seven promised Harry Potter books, "(Rowling) was asked: 'Are you going to write books about Harry after school?'

"Rowling gave fans hope when she replied: 'Probably not. But I'll never say never because every time I do I immediately break the vow.'"

Out:

Joe Francis. On Howard Stern today, Snoop Dogg painted a rather sordid picture indeed of the sleazy founder of the Girls Gone Wild franchise (if it is possible to make the purveyor of underage white girls topless seem sleazier), according to Marksfriggin.com:

"Howard and Robin asked Snoop about his new video series 'Black Girls gone Buck Wild' that's with the Playboy people. Snoop said that the guy at Girls Gone Wild didn't want to have Latino and Black girls in his videos so he went out on his own to put out that stuff." Greeeat. Francis was going after that lucrative Kentucky white supremacist market.

In:

18 year old dancers, my friend (savors the words, a smile plays on The Corsair's lips) ... 18-year old dancers. They are crafty the way they get you to buy them things. The Smokinggunners write of Diane Ritchie, who is seriously threatening to part Lionel from his Commodore stash:

"The Richies, who wed in December 1996 and have two young children, live in a $40 million Beverly Hills mansion, with its 30 rooms spread over 18,000 square feet. 'In addition to nine full time staff members, we also employ people to maintain our plants, detail our cars, care for our pool, groom our dog, maintain our aquarium and a painter for regular touch ups on the house,' noted Richie. She also made sure to point out particular monthly expenses that Lionel, 54, needs to cover: clothing, shoes, and accessories ($15,000); dermatology ($3000); laser hair removal ($1000); massages ($600); jewelry ($5000); gifts ($5000); and vitamins ($500). There are plenty of other costs Richie listed--like $20,000 annually for plastic surgery and her nine-year-old son's $125,000 boarding school tuition--but TSG will let you discover those chestnuts. According to Richie, she began dating the pop star in 1984, when they met at the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles (she was an 18-year-old dancer)." I love that last line, an aside, tossed out into the ethers, as if to explain everything (sotto vocce) "she was an 18-year old dancer." A ballerina girl, if you will.

Out:

College athletics. Call me a nerd, my little pomegranates, but I went to college for a classical liberal arts education, not to shoot hoops or rape. Well, the University of Georgia joins the ranks of other corrupt univeristy athletics departments spanning the nation from sea to shining sea. As the Smokinggunners write:

"Until his resignation last year amidst allegations of impropriety in UGA's basketball program, Harrick was an assistant coach under his father, Jim Harrick. In addition to helping pop run the lay-up line, the younger Harrick taught 'Coaching Principles and Strategies in Basketball' during 2001's fall semester. The 39-student class was popular with several of Harrick's players, since the coach wasn't a stickler when it came to attendance, studying, or showing up for the College of Education course's only test. Below you'll find that test, a 20-question mockery that includes such brain teasers as, 'How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a Basketball Game?'"

Fuck. Silly me for studying Oedipus at Colonus.

Who Is Novak's Source?

K Street is heating up once again as the election year approaches, as well it should. America is the last standing superpower in the world, and K Street, DC, is the center of that power. Editor and Publisher notes that Robert Novak's source will be named in the new autobiography of former Ambassador Joseph Wilson:

"Sources say the embargoed title, The Politics of Truth, from Carroll & Graf, will reveal who tipped off syndicated columnist Robert Novak in July that Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame, worked for the CIA--a felony punishable by as many as ten years in prison--and the larger circumstances around the leak. The matter is the subject of a grand-jury investigation that has seen Novak, Wilson and a number of high-profile administration members questioned."

Also in K Street news, the question as to who will replace Jack Valenti is up in the air.

The ultra sleazy Washington lobbyist and MPAA head Jack V took a bit of an ass whipping at the hands of Federal Judge Michael B. Mukasey in New York recently.

Citing "unlawful restraint of trade," that the MPAA's "screener ban" would significantly harm independent films, Mukasey granted a preliminary injunction, effective immediately, blocking the policy.

Falling back on the old chesnut that screeners are major sources of piracy, we won't entertain the possibility that old Jack is trying to protect the Oscar from deserving independent films, who have cleaned the clocks of the tired, formulaic old studios.

In other news, Louisiana Congressman Billy Tauzin dropped out of the running, and gave up his top contender position of taking over from Valenti. Why would a powerful Republican in the majority party even want to become head of the embattled MPAA?

Well, the $1.03 million salary might be incentive. How about that sweet screening room at MPAA's Washington headquarters (perhaps third in coolness behind the White House screening room and Steven Spielberg's), then there are the orchestra seats at the Oscars, the limosine and driver, the office two blocks away from the White House, and first class travel to film festivals.

Ah, the line between K Street and, er, uhm, K Street is blurred.

The Hill notes two superhighpowered contenders for Valenti's job:

"One is 12th-term Rep. David Dreier (R-Calif.), the chairman of the Rules Committee who headed the successful gubernatorial campaign of movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger and has been romantically linked to several movie actresses.

"The other is even better known: White House National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, who perhaps not so coincidentally was given a warm introduction at a Valentine�s Day party last month hosted by Bill Cohen, the former defense secretary and Republican senator from Maine."

God, I wish K Street were still on.

Finally, at the highest levels of power, it is no secret that Bush never forgave McCain for challenging him in the primary in 2000, became the media darling of the race, and made him spend some of his oil stained campaign booty in said primary. Well, the two are at it again, just like South Carolina, according to The Hill. Bush, attempting to be seen as even handed on the independent commission on intelligence, appointed McCain chair. Bad move, writes Alexander Bolton:

"Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) is pushing the White House to give subpoena power to the independent commission President Bush created last month to investigate intelligence operations.

"The administration has turned him down, but the senator is refusing to take no for an answer.

"The clash reignites a bitterness first sparked when Bush and McCain fought for the GOP presidential nomination in 2000."

Reignites? It never simmered down, dude.

John Kerry's Manhood

As if to make up for that whole lack of National Security street cred, the backers of the Democrats (Jann Wenner in that infamous Rolling Stone cover of Al Gore) try to insinuate that the nominee has a massive shlong. John Kerry is no different (link via Fleshbot via Wonkette). They may not belive in the death penalty or military bases in every congressional district, but they have three legs.

John Kerry's Manhood

As if to make up for that whole lack of National Security street cred, the backers of the Democrats (Jann Wenner in that infamous Rolling Stone cover of Al Gore) try to insinuate that the nominee has a massive shlong. John Kerry is no different (link via Fleshbot via Wonkette). They may not belive in the death penalty or military bases in every congressional district, but they have three legs.

Tina on Nader

"There was something perversely thrilling about the old Raider's decision not to do the decent thing and lie low (or even help the side he claims to be on)," writes Tina Brown in the Washington Post. "In an era when every politician's naked ego is muffled by euphemism, his bloody-minded announcement was the political version of unprotected sex. He is willing to trash his legacy to make a point about process."

And then she delivers the coup de grace, like a jailhouse shiv between the ribs: "Crazy alpha-men in their waning years have a miserable time out of the limelight."

Rarely do we agree with Tina, but that is so true.

Oscar Night Romps

Those intrepid 3AM Girls got the goods on the after-after Oscar party(wink-wink), you know, the parties that begin in private rooms at the Chateau Marmont after the drinks at Morton's makes everyone a little frisky.

Apparently, Benicio del Toro, whose name, the 3AM Girls freely translate to mean, "Benny the Bull," was seen canoodling with the Lost in Translation star with the sexiest ass The Corsair believes he has ever seen:

"Our spies caught the pair walking into the exclusive Chateau Marmont hotel on Sunset Boulevard at 3.30am with their arms wrapped around each other before getting into a lift to go somewhere a little more intimate.

"'They didn't care who saw them,' says our source. 'They walked through the hotel lobby where there were quite a few people hanging about and didn't seem at all embarrassed to be spotted with their arms all over each other."

The Corsair munches on salt-free popcorn and leans into his screen.

"'It was quite extraordinary. She looks so young and he could easily pass for her dad.

"'They then got into a lift together. At that time in the morning they couldn't have been heading to the hotel pool, put it like that. They were clearly going to the rooms.

"'You would have thought they'd want their beauty sleep as the ceremony took place later that afternoon, but clearly not.' Puerto Rican Benicio, 37, apparently likes his ladies young.

"The sexy actor once smooched with British supermodel Sophie Dahl at a New York club when she wasn't much older than his newest squeeze."

Page Six Reports:

"Naomi Campbell was making the rounds at Mortons with music mogul Steve Stoute, but word was out that she and 'Rush Hour' director Brett Ratner are an item � perhaps be cause they were spotted coming out of the Beverly Hills Hotel the other day around noon."

Ah, l'amour.

Also: The 3AM Girls noted, in a side blind item:

"WHICH showbiz bash host instructed door staff to confiscate mobile phones with cameras? He was so worried compromising piccies would get out he refused entry to anyone who wouldn't give their handsets in."

Smart idea, but the enemy of bloggers. Was that Graydon Carter by any chance?

And: Lizzie Spiers' Oscar Night Bonfire of the Vanities.

And: The great Michael Musto sums up The Oscars.

Thanks for the link Uncle Grambo!


(Due to a heavy workload there will not be a blog tommorrow. Sorry for being sporadic, guys:( )

Dasani Bottled Water is Tap Water

In the beginning was the Jesus Juice, now The BBC reports that Coca Cola's experiment in bottled water, Dasani, the second biggest selling bottled water in the US, is actually nothing more than "purified" tap water. The Beeb reports:

"Soft drink giant Coca-Cola has admitted it is selling purified tap water in a bottle.
It says the source for its new Dasani bottled water is the mains supply at its factory in Kent.

"The company says Dasani is 'as pure as bottled water gets' due to a 'highly sophisticated purification process'."

And you thought Evian spelled backwards was naive?

Just so long as no one messes with my Fiji water. That's my joint right there, straight or as a splash in my Cutty Sark. To paraphrase Ellen Rucker Carter, "FIJI is the truth!!!"

A Little of the Old In and Out

In:

"Rob Lowe will play the lead role in the CBS drama series 'Dr. Vegas,' as the doctor at a hotel in, you guessed it, Vegas," reports Media Life. In the recent past Lowe has been employed as a Presidential speechwriter who leaves his job to run for Congress, a lawyer and now a doctor. We never would have guessed that the sax playing, hard boozing and partying Billy Hixx from St. Elmo's Fire would be such a yuppie professional with so many careers. He's a Man In Motion.

Out:

M & M's. Melts in your mouth not in your hands, righ? Wrong! As Jeanette Walls of TheScoop writes: "Joan Rivers got into a turf war with the BBC. The caustic funnywoman was broadcasting her fashion critique from the red carpet at the Oscars for E! and kept butting heads and fighting over guests with a reporter for the BBC, says a source.

"'Honestly, the BBC people were being sort of aggressive about grabbing [celebrities] and saying we?re in a live shot and then holding onto them forever,' says a source. 'Or they kept luring over guests who were talking to Joan by offering them M&Ms if they would stop talking to Joan and come over to talk to them. Joan and the BBC were bickering over Nicole Kidman for example. Joan was joking about it all, but it actually got pretty ugly at a few points.'"

In:

Hookers as a Vehicle to Win the Best Actress Oscar Ted Casablancas of E! Entertainment -- easily the shallowest television channel -- makes a fascinating point by way of telling us that Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz broke up. He says:

"More reliable is the notion that chicks in Hollywood will forever play chickas for hire--and get Academy Award noms and wins out the wazoo for the privilege. You know the heady list: Elizabeth Taylor, Julia Roberts, Elisabeth Shue, Mira Sorvino, et al.

"Now, didja think I wasn't gonna ask *(Jane Fonda). about Charlize's 'murdering lady of the evening' Oscar nod? (After all, Jane-hon received her own gold playing a hooker in 1971's Klute.) She diplomatically said to moi, specifically in regard to Charlize, 'The Academy sees that it's a complex role to portray a woman who wasn't born a monster.'"

Out:

Split personalities. Apparently, Beyonce Knowles needs to put on a split persona act to get on stage and shake her ample booty, according to The Star. Louise Gannon writes:

"Beyonce says it was a cousin of hers who first noticed that she became an entirely different person onstage.

"'She came up with the name Sasha and it sort of stuck. Now, when I go onstage in one of my outfits, everyone around me calls me Sasha."

"Without Sasha, Beyonce notes, 'you'd get a very different girl. There's no way I'd wear a short little dress [and] dance like that in front of all those people. Beyonce Knowles is really just a very quiet, shy little thing.'"

Great.

Lord of the Voting Academy Members

With over 26,000 cast and crew, many of which are voting Academy members -- costumers, model builders, digital experts, lighting technicians, etc -- it is no wonder LOTR made an incredible 11 out of 11 sweep at the Oscars.

Rush and Molloy quoted Sir Elton John, "It was the most boring Oscars I have ever seen,' he told us at the party he threw with InStyle magazine at Pearl.

"'I thought there might be one surprise in the song category, but even there Lord of the Rings won. And I don't think it deserved to."

Me neither, Elton.

Poor (but wealthy) Harvey Weinstein, who let the film slip through his short fingers, like Melissa Rivers' slender foot busting through her Jimmy Choo last night, must be howling right about now for letting New Line take his lunch money.

I imagine dreamily that he and embattled Disney CEO Michael Eisner -- who took some collateral hits as well -- are somewhere, possibly The Ivy, licking their wounds, counting their lumps, and bonding over the absurdity of it all:

Michael Eisner: Shit, Harv. Bad night all around, huh.

Harvey Weinstein: That's a fucking understatement, Mike.

Eisner: Lotsa noise coming from my end.

Weinstein: (embarrassed) Sorry, Mike, that was me (shoos his backside with a copy of Variety), Damned Wolfgang Puck and his fucking French Perigord black truffles ... too rich.

Eisner: (covering his nose all of a sudden) oh, Harvey ...

Weinstein: Hey, didja see The Lord of the Voting Academy Members sweep?

Eisner: Evil genius, Harv; evil fuckin' genius. That business model reeked of Dark Lord Sauron.

Weinstein: Takes one ta know one (laughs). Imagine sending a cast of 26,000 -- many of whom are Academy members -- to vote in the interest of their resumes. No wonder.

Eisner: I took a beating last night too, Harv, if ya hadn't noticed.

Weinstein: And Finding Nemo should have been spun as a win for Disney. You know you are half way to Ovitzville when Robin Williams of all people is comparing your company to "a Muppet and a water slide."

Eisner: I have a lot of enemies, Harvey, what can I fuckin' say. I'm like an African dictator holding on to power. There are a lot of laid off and bitter animators out there looking to trap the mouse.

Weinstein: Player haters, Mike; they are just playa hatin'.

Eisner: As I always say, don't playa hate, congratulate.

Weinstein: Or in my fuckin' case: don't playa hate, emulate. Next time around Miramax is financing a film with 50,000 Academy voting extras, I'm gonna be throwin my weight around. Bling-blinged freak terrorizes Tinseltown: Wait till they get a loada me!

President Howard Stern?


Howard Stern mentioned this morning that he may consider running for President.

Of course he will not, ultimately, for several reasons, some of which are:

1) He will not reveal his current salary and IRS forms to the press, for fear that Thesmokinggun.com would pummel him.

2) He is past his prime and will not -- even if he registers new people to vote -- break 5 percent.

3) He would probably -- if he ran -- help reelect Bush, which is, for him, a nightmarish FCC scenario.

4) It would fuck up his ABC TV Barbara Walteresque deal, which begins in the spring, on a limited basis.

Instead of running for President, Stern should (and could) broker a deal --shnell! -- with Senator John Edwards for an endorsement before the Super Tuesday primary. Stern could give Edwards his endorsement -- in the best of all possible worlds --if the Senator promised to run to reform the FCC, for the better. This would have to be done on the morning show tommorrow in time to make a difference in the Super Tuesday primary. Time is of the essence here.

Other than that, Nader could possibly swoop in and make the promise and get the Stern endorsement (*recoils in horror*).

There is no doubt that this election will be one part economy, and one part cultural, with Stern on the one side, and Mel Gibson on the other, representing the twin polarities of our democractic life. Bush congenitally plays the culture card when the economy tanks, just like his daddy and the "Flag desecration" amendment.

Note to John Edwards: Make this happen.

A Little of The Old In and Out

In:

Not that I have anything against it (I'm not) -- but I'm curious about the culural significance of The Rise of White Africans as I, myself, am a black African-born blogger. First, there was the exotic Theresa Heinz, all over the cultural landscape, and now, out of nowhere, Charlize Theron. What's up, buttercup?

Out: J-Lo's Tush. According to that significant cultural artifact the National Enquirer:

"Dr. Richard Fleming, codirector of the Beverly Hills Institute of Aesthetic and Reconstructive Surgery, told Planet Tab: 'Hollywood thrives on youthfulness and influences how people all over the world judge beauty. And we're always surprised by our patients' top picks of celebrity features.

"'Jennifer Lopez's lips are still considered appealing, but last year everyone wanted her butt - which now, no one ever asks for. That was last year's look.

"'While a huge percentage of patients want to look like the strong classic beauties, such as Catherine Zeta- Jones and Charlize Theron, there are always those who request to look like the celebrities who might not be classic beauties, but are hot at the moment.'"

In: Bill Murray. Always In.

Out:

Silly little freak and disgraced African American journo Jayson Blair's memoir of which, editornadpublisher.com writes, "the Daily News' Paul D. Colford pounced on (the memoir's bits), such as: 'Zuza [my girlfriend] took pictures of me prancing around the newsroom wearing a Persian head wrap that covered my face, Kermit the Frog on my shoulders and a giant fake fur coat. I did a full tour de newsroom in this peculiar uniform. It is hard to know what I was feeling, other than it was exhilarating to shock everyone. Perhaps I was crying out for attention.'" Out!

In: Restless former designer/comic book writer/movie pusher/talk show host and snarky asshole Izaac Mizrahi gets a development deal. What the fuck is up with that? Is he going to do a reality show starring FIT students vying for a fashion show at the tents in Mid-Manhattan? And--the better question --how will that gain a national NBC audience? Anyhoo: Mizrahi got a deal (more than I can say), which, The Corsair predicts, will be seven figures thrown into the void by NBC, but, ultimately, a mahor windfall by Les Miz.

Out:

Kerry against free speech. Presidential hopeful Senator John Kerry is running on his bandylegs to the political center now that he has all but locked up the nomination, fleeing from Democratic principles such as free speech, in order to short the Bushies push for a "culture war" platform framed by social moderates and evangelicals over issues like gay marriage and The Passion of The Christ. In his center break, Kerry is tossing Stern over the bow like a hot potato. Great going, future President asshole!

In:

Forbes Gets Global and Grows Up. For years the Forbes 500 List looked like an alumni picture from last year's bohemian grove outing. A few years ago, those pasty Princetonians, embarrassed by the lack of billionaires in Africa that were not dictators (laissez faire works!), paired up Africa and the Middle East in their Forbes 500 listing. Well, now they are beginning to get it. Less pink bespectacled flesh and more color: The Corsair approves.

Out:

Robert Novak (link via Romenesko), the maddening CNN personality who has inserted himself into the Valerie Plame Bush administration spy affair. Just name your source, Novak! No one will question your "journalistic principles" (a very 3am in the morning C-Span affair if you ask me) when you save US tax payers millions trying to ferret out the info via legal bills and congressional inquiry.

On Bill Murray

Sad day for The Corsair. I'm saddened by the fact that Bill Murray's probable last chance at the Oscars went poof. I'm right now working on Elizabeth Kubler Ross' stages of grief right now. I'm in the Yearning/Searching phase, so it is best that I refrain from bloggin on the topic until I can tranform the bitterness into something more constructive. :(