Monday, February 09, 2004

I, Geraldo: On The Road with Jerry Rivers

Apparently, Fox TV's favorite tragedy chaser, Geraldo Rivera will be taking his show on the road to Iraq.
The Corsair managed to snag some of his road trip diaries, which, oddly, morphs from the dialogue of a bad 50s tough guy impersonation so favored by conservative hacks like Peggy "I tell ya" Noonan into an almost imperial prose style:

Day 1: Lots a burkhas: no slim chance of me scoping out the hot tomata's here. You can't get a glimpse of the dames. Can't wait to get back to America. I'll bet Brian Williams doesn't need to do stunts like this to get ratings. Fucking pretty boy. I was once a Wise Man.

Day 2: What am I doing here in the Sunni Triangle with soldiers who distrust me? I should be covering the legal angle of some tragedy, or sitting in a comfy New York studio with Rita Cosby dishing on Michael Jackson. There are trials up the wazoo! Martha, Jacko, Jayson Williams, Robert Blake and Scott Petersen... what am I doing here?
This scenario is turning grey faster than an incoming President's hair in the first year in office.

Day 3: Why was I complaining so the past few days: this is the story of the century: nation building. Ah, the spoils of war. I love the smell of Tikrit in the morning ... it smells like victory. Bismark is said to have once remarked that man can neither create nor direct the stream of time. Nonsense. I, Jerry Rivers, will gather the scoop on Babylon. I am a Wise Man.

Day 4: Have sent Roger Ailes a memo to appoint Annie Liebowitz as my official photographer. I am already practicing bombastic poses in the mirror. We are not going to do this imperialist Waugh travel journo thing half assed.

Day 5: Looking for a good satanic ritual story for my show. Ailes nixed the idea. May need to punch out some Shiites to punch up ratings. Fo shizzle.

Day 6: Ailes said ixznay on the Annie Liebowitz photo shoot of Geraldo of Arabia. He said it wasn't in the budget. Haven't seen so much bad acting since Three Men and a Little Lady. Ailes can pinch a penny till Abe Lincoln squeals!

Day 7: Ya can take the kid outta the Bronx ... &c, &c and all that Jazz. Headed back to Fox studios in New York. Iraq is as distasteful as my torrid, torrid affair with Bette Middler.

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