Thursday, February 19, 2004

The Passion of Britney

That significant cultural artifact The National Enquirer reports today that Britney Spears is a "born again christian." The Corsair would like to note in the interest of snarkalistic integrity, The Enquirer has also falsely reported that Farah Fawcett and Tom Green were an item (eeewwww). So, take this with a grain of salt, or a splash of holy water, or whatever.

While Mel Gibson's freaky pappy, Hutton, was saying that the Holocaust was "exaggerated" The Enquirer rolls out their all-star line up of Michael Glynn, Robin Mizrahi, Patricia Shipp and Ellen Goodstein on this one, who write:

"With her dad hugging her tightly(ed note: as he would a bank book in a hurricane) and tears streaming down her cheeks, the 22-year-old pop princess walked down the aisle at the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, Calif., on February 1 and rededicated herself to Christ in front of the Faithful Central Bible Church's largely black congregation."

The Enquirer continues:

"Her surprising appearance at the service climaxed the tremendous upheaval that followed her spur-of-the-moment wedding to a childhood friend.

"'Following the worldwide press her marriage received, Britney suffered an emotional collapse,' revealed a source close to the family. 'With her father's guidance, Britney knew she had reached a spiritual low -- and that God was the only answer.

"'She realized she had to go back to the Christian church in order to get her life together.'"

In other words, Britney's been taken to Jebus. Now, I could say something snarky here, perhaps about a master plan to infiltrate the black people, to get at and steal their original music, or, I could contrast Britney's dad's "focus" with the Roman soldiers who led Christ to Golgotha. But nothing I could say would be more interesting than this story -- or pseudostory as the case may be, so I'll let the Enquirer tell it:

"'They told Britney that they loved her very much but they couldn't stand idly by and watch her destroy her life and her career (ed note: "gravy train")," the close source told The ENQUIRER.

"'Her family told her that she needed to get her feet back on the ground and return to traditional values(ed note: like pimping your kid out to the music industry is family values) ... and that included Christianity.'

"Britney took their sober sentiments to heart and agreed to attend the Faithful Central Bible Church's two-hour service on February 1 -- and stand with her father to rededicate herself to Christ. In an exclusive interview, an eyewitness to the stirring ceremony told The ENQUIRER:

"'Britney arrived with her father, who had his arm around her. She seemed very focused, and her eyes were teary.

"'Britney was weeping during most of the service, and her father comforted her by hugging her, or leaning over and kissing her cheek.'"

Daddy's little dividend indeed.

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