Tuesday, August 24, 2004

To Parker Posey


Dear Parker Posey:

It has come to my attention that people in the blogosphere are hinting that maybe ... maybe ... oh, let me get straight to it: are you smoking crack? Have your thin thespian lips been sucking on the pipe? Are your fingertips blistered from the hot glass?

I don't believe that you are, quite frankly, so please do not sue my ass for speculating. I truly don't. I'm just saying ..

There is mounting evidence to the contrary. I don't believe said evidence, but let's put it all on the table. It all goes back to yesterdays Blind Item in Page Six (fade out):

"WHICH actress who starred in a blockbuster movie trilogy has been spotted at grungy downtown nightspots smoking crack? The soused starlet invited a fellow patron to take a hit in the bathroom, but was politely turned down when distinctive white crack smoke billowed from her glass pipe. Dazed but unfazed, she turned her attention back to her pipe and took another hit."

Beam me up, Scotty! Now, anyone whose ever stalked you -- and I know whereof I speak here, Parker Posey, any stalker worth his weight in duct tape and curare knows, knows, knows your routine intimately (The Corsair holds himself, rocking back and forth, and makes low, gurgling noises), the hardcore Parker Posey stalker would know that you never exit the 14th street perimeter ... I mean ... that's what people tell me.

And Gawker.com writes today, "there's been a late-breaking groundswell of support for actress Parker Posey that simply cannot go overlooked!"

Gawker.com continues:

"You've pointed out numerous times that Posey was in Scream 3 and trolls about downtown with her 'fucked-up' boyfriend Ryan Adams but, more importantly, many of you picked up on a possible Page Six clue: the actress was referred to as 'dazed but unfazed,' which could be a reference to her role in the retro classic Dazed and Confused."

And that's the evidence. Not convincing in my case, but you can see how people will talk. High on crack? No, no, no (softly chuckles): high on life, monsieur. And we cannot fail to note, that various Gawker Stalkers, over the months have described you, at various times, as "looking quite svelte," (averted gaze) and "She looked hungover." Of course, I look that way right now, Parker, and I don't smoke the crack rock (Ed Note: The Corsair is lactose intolerant and could never ingest the crack rock no matter how much he wants to) And we won't discuss the torrid Interview Magazine sex fiasco (2nd story down), where you and Ryan *allegedly* "knew" each other "Biblically" while conducting an interview at Andy Warhols Holy Rag. That was kind of crack ho-ish, if true, even though I do not believe you have ever hit the rock and made it sizzle.

Then there was the Gawker Stalker, saying, "parker posy and ryan adams last night watching farenheit 9/11 came in late, super fidgety. his hair was nasty and tousled as usual."

Telltale signs of the "crackle crackle"? Surely you jest. Crackheads are rarely political; they are more prone towards violent crimes rather than entertaining a civilized evening taking in a political documentary, so, point set and match: Parker Posey.

I still believe in you, Parker Posey.

I just cannot imagine you, surrounded by lactose fumes propelled by a Mighty Wind, hair askew, that irritating crackling sound echoing in the lonely urban downtown landscape, with chapped lips forming a pucker the shape of a cats asshole, lapping up mediciny cracksmoke.

It's inconceivable.

Although there is celebrity precedent, as Chris Rock used to brew up the crack rock.

No, I refuse to believe that Parker Posey would scream "Beam Me Up, Scotty"! This whole rumor mess is simply ghastly. I mean, could you imagine someone saying the same thing of, oh, say, Natalie Portman? Heaven forfend (Averted gaze). Let's put this all to bed.

your fan,
A Blogger Named,
The Corsair


The Corsair said...

Its a very hard one to crack, That trilogy thing, you know. I honestly don't know. Little birdies are emailing me Parker (I can't believe my baby would be bad) and Natalie Portman (do Harvard kids do the crack rock? Do Jewish women?). I'm stumped, honey.

The Corsair said...

re: Natalie Portman. I don't think she does a lot of crack, I think she does a lot of Zack (Posen, etc)

The Corsair said...


Anonymous said...

I can assure you with absolute certainty that Parker Posey does not smoke crack.

The Corsair said...

Thank you. This makes me happy. We have such a massive crush on her and, well, the hot glass pipe would get in the way.

Anonymous said...

I can tell you with absolute, first-hand knowledge that it was Natasha Lyonne smoking crack in the bathroom.

The Corsair said...

oh dear ...