Thursday, August 12, 2004

Angelina and Val?! What the Fuck?!

That significant cultural artifact, The National Enquirer, delivered a sucker punch to my solar plexus today when I read, stunned:

"Angelina Jolie has found love again -- with a superhero! After burning through two marriages and a stack of boyfriends, Angelina Jolie has finally found Mr. Right -- hunky 'Batman Forever' star Val Kilmer, say pals."

The Corsair does a double take. Then The Corsair does a triple take. These are two of the most intense (read: crazy), and eccentric (read: crazy) and volatile (read: crazy) people in the world. Oh Oh chongo (The Corsair whistles). You just know this one is going to end up with someone going to intensive care in traction. You can almost guarantee that in the end a police report will be filed over this. (The Corsair whistles again) Don't they have laws against this sort of thing? People like that can commiserate with one another? Should they be aloowed freedom of assembly?

This is a monumentally bad idea, but, as Woody Allen said, the heart wants what the heart wants ...

"The 29-year-old 'Tomb Raider' beauty is spending almost all her free time with 44-year-old Val, her co-star in the upcoming film 'Alexander.'"

"'Val thinks she's one of the most beautiful women in the world,' reveals a Hollywood insider. 'And he admires her role as a single mom and her work for the United Nations.'"

So do I, she's stunning, a magnificent woman, but Jolie is also a creature of the night, a spitfire, a crazy girl, no, not Brittany Murphy crazy; Angelina is in a league of her own. She's soul kiss her brother on internatioanl tv crazy; she's demanding that her lovers wear viles of her blood crazy. She's dangerous, crazy, Val, even the Batman has never seen her likes. Val, baby you gotta listen ... who am I kidding. Fuck. Val is as much of a freak of the week as Angelina Jolie.

"The two hit it off so well,"

No fucking kidding, Shopenhauer, that and the freaks come out at night.

"... they began discussing purchasing property and moving in together."

"They both admire the relationship of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins -- committed couples without the 'M (marriage) word,' revealed the insider."

M word ... hmmm? Would that, pray tell, be the word: mental?

"The two stars were introduced at early meetings for the movie last summer.

"'Almost immediately, they both clicked with one another,' said the insider."

Clicked, or snapped?

This is the standard Jolie MO, by the way: she trusts her creature-of-the-night instincts to lead her to prey. This usually occurs on a movie set. She must emit pheromones of some kind. The suckers never have a chance.

"'Val and Angelina started spending time together but kept it very quiet.'

"'They were both staying at the L'Ermitage hotel in Beverly Hills and keeping company together but neither one was ready to go public with their relationship.'

"When the cast flew to the set in Morocco, the romance got more intense -- and continued to flourish even after filming ended."

Oh, oh, the I-word. Something tells me that a Kilmer-Jolie relationship will not lack for intensity.

"'Angelina and Val went to London for postproduction work on the film. When they weren't working on the movie, they spent all their free time together -- including romantic dinners at her place,' revealed the insider."

".'.. Besides romantic dinners, Angelina and Val took long walks through London's beautiful parks. While walking through Hyde Park, they stopped at the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain."

"'Angelina and Val sat on a bench in the garden talking and holding hands. The roses and other flowers were in full bloom and a fabulous scent filled the air,' said the insider. 'For Val and Angelina, it was a sweet and tender time that brought them closer together.'"

And so, it begins ...

1 comment:

The Corsair said...

Those two are going to cause a lot of property damage in a lot of municipalities.