Thursday, August 12, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: The James St. James-Michael Alig Jail Dialogues. The drama. Gawker turns our attention to some of the most surreal conversation ever recorded, on Steven Saban's This shit just cannot even be made up. When last we left these two chaps, they were discussing (air quotes) "high energy dance music in prison." Now, lamentably, the conversation takes a slightly more sinister turn:

"James: . . .Wait wait. Jimmy didn�t stab Esau?

"Michael: No, Jimmy had his. . . his. . . 'dawg' stab him.

"James: That�s hot. Jimmy has dogs. So he had him stabbed because he asked him to have sex with you?

"Michael: Well that�s the whole thing. We don�t know. Nobody knows exactly what happened. All I know is that I sent him in on a mission and he comes out on a stretcher.

"James: (Laughing) Isn�t that always the case with you?

"Michael: The path is paved in skulls. So the Five-Percenters had a meeting with me, and they were like, What was this all about? And you know, gayness to them is really bad. But because it was a 'business transaction' of sorts, they can sort of look the other way and it�s not quite as bad, you know. So I�m kind of like trying to pull my schtick with them, hoping that I could soften up the situation with a bit of levity � and you know they have absolutely no sense of humor, James."

I can't say that I've ever seen a Five Percenter having a belly laugh, no. I'd strongly recommend long term exposure to this blog to remedy that situation.

Out: Prince Hans-Adam of Liechtenstein. From jailhouse punking to the monarchy of Litchenstein, The Corsair is truly a democratic institution devoted, above all, to being the most interesting blog in the world. Kierkegaard's Don Giovanni couldn't go to bed soundly without the knowledge that he had seduced every woman in the realm, and, similarly, The Corsair cannot be content unless he makes you -- the reader -- laugh, or, at least, say "whoa," at one of our postings, daily. Anyhoo: According to Hello! Magazine:

"Prince Hans-Adam of Liechtenstein has announced that he will abdicate this weekend. As of Sunday morning all the sovereign's powers will pass to his son, Prince Alois. There will be no public ceremony to mark the transferral of power, but the new leader is expected to give a public address once he has acceded to the throne.

"Hans-Adam's decision comes after a controversial 15-year reign. He first took control of the country back in 1989 when his father, Franz Josef, passed away. Since then he has worked hard to modernise Liechtenstein's economy and win admission to the United Nations. More recently the monarch sparked a furious political row by threatening to abdicate if the nation's 33,000 residents did not support a referendum giving him sweeping constitutional powers. He even joked that he would sell the royal palace to Microsoft billionaire Bill Gates if the vote did not go his way.

"But despite criticisms from other European leaders, Hans-Adam emerged victorious in the referendum. For the past 18 months he has been slowly devolving executive powers on his 36-year-old son. And Prince Alois seems to share his father's headstrong character. Last year he suggested that Liechtenstein should leave the Council of Europe if it carried out its threat to monitor the country's democratic processes."

In: This "Good Times" site has all sorts of cool quotes from that hit 70s tv show, like the episode when JJ's friend Loretta is going to have a baby:

"J.J is frantic: Hello? Doc? Look here! I got one of your patients here about to have a baby! See you at the clinic. Check? ... Just do what? Are you sure you a baby Doctor? Oh! (J.J hangs up). I dialed the wrong number! I got the pet hospital!

"Michael: J.J, are you sure? It musta' been! He told me to put Loretta in a cardboard box and let nature take it's course!

"J.J dials again: Hello? Yellow Cab Company? Look here man! We need one of your vehicles right away! ...Yeah! ...Oh no, we just right over here in the projects and... (Operator hangs up). Hello? Hello? They afraid to come in to this neighborhood! No wonder they call their cabs yellow!"

That's hot.

Out: Mischa Barton and Brandon Davis. According to my favorite socialite, Miu Von Furstenberg, and her spy:

"While viewing the film the Notebook (at the Grove Theater), Mischa Barton and her boyfriend (Brandon Davis) were seated next to us. They could not keep their hands off of each other and at one point his fly went down (we heard the zipper) and her hand disappeared. Ah, to be young and eighteen.

"Maybe she was just buttering his popcorn."

Hmm, I'm pretty sure that if there was any "buttering" involved, it was ... never mind.

In: Halle Berry's Hair. That significant cultural artifact, Star, writes:

"Halle BerryHalle Berry, 38, loves her new long hair so much she is said to keep her stylist's numbers programmed into her cell and home phones under 911!
Last week, one of the star's long, luxurious extensions came undone and, as a result, so did Halle, says a source close to the star. The actress was nearly in tears when she couldn't reach her stylist, whom she calls "one of the most important people in my life these days."

Out: Mike Wallace's Arrest. Free Mike Wallace. 60 Minutes' 86-year old Correspondent Mike Wallace was handcuffed and arrested on Tuesday night for "disorderly conduct." Apparently, things took a bad turn when Wallace argued with Taxi and Limousine Commission inspectors who were interviewing his driver because he wanted to get home and eat his mashed potatoes and gravy while it was still hot.

Can you just see Mike Wallace in the back of the limo, agitated, the 60 Minutes clock is ticking -- ticktickticktick; his temperature rising, he's sweating a cold sweat right now, adjusting his tie, his bad dye job glistening, he's emitting grandfatherly smells, and the officers are chatting away with his driver, probably althewhile eating doughnuts, causing Wallace's mouth to water ...

Now look at Mike ... it is a few minutes later ... the gravy is now coagulating in his doggie bag, oiling the paper, seeping through to his neatly pressed slacks, perhaps even soiling his Depends undergarment. And he thinks of how he used to be. The holy terror of the 1970s. The Dean of Guerilla journalism. CEO's guilty of financial improprieties broke into a brisk sprint when our man Mike Wallace chased them with a cameraman in tow, shouting, "Can I ask you a question, sir,". THE Mike Wallace ... reduced to THIS?

The poor guy just snapped. There are few joys, few comforts of senectitude, and mashed taters and meatloaf slathered with heart valve clogging bone gravy are that aplenty. Thems good eats. You know that that and, maybe a steaming cup of java from his official 60 Minutes (TM) mug is what keeps him (air quotes) "regular" in the mornings. And you won't like Mike when he's not regular.

Let the 86-year old man have his hott meatloaf. guys.

Comment here or on the VH1 BWE Blog

In: Another Bitchslapping. Maude Newton has an email from ZZ Packer, Stanley Crouch's guest that fateful day, and she gives her account of the slap heard round the literary establishment:

"Stanley went over to Peck�s table and said, �Are you Dale Peck?�

"Now, Yablonsky [Peck�s lunch companion] says Dale Peck said, 'So what?' but I thought I heard him say, 'Yes, I�m Dale Peck.'

"And Stanley said, 'Stanley Crouch. I just wanted to meet you . . . '(I didn�t hear the rest.)

"Then Stanley, who was still holding Peck�s hand in a frozen handshake, slapped Peck with his other hand, TWICE, on both cheeks, and said, 'Don�t you ever do that again. If you do you�ll get much worse.' Stanley let loose Peck�s hand and pointed at him, 'I should spit on you. Now, we can settle this outside . . .'

"Dale Peck said, 'I don�t want anything to do with that.'�

The pimphand is mightier than the sword.

Out: That's Hott.

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