Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Mr. F and Gitte: "Strange Love"

"The only thing I like tight is your underwears and your bras and stuff."
Flavzelle Washington to Brigitte Nielsen

Leaving aside for a moment (Averted Gaze) the spurious grammar involved in the plural "underwears," or (cough betraying feigned detatchment) better yet, the dubious taste involved in making such a pronouncement to your "sweetie" in public, The New York Daily News' Marissa Guthrie breaks us off a piece of "Gitte" and "Mr. F," for the addicts among us, previewing the new romance reality soap operatic series of Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen, "Strange Love" on VH1.

"Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen are in the Michael K store in SoHo getting outfitted for their new life together.

"The tiny rapper picks out a pink rabbit poncho and furry Nanook of the North boots.

"Nielsen takes a look at his getup and searches for the appropriate word.

"'It's scary.'"

And so it begins. The former crackhead and thoroughly adorable jester of Public Enemy tries to lure Brigitte Nielsen away from her fiance, to Italian bartender Mattia Disse, using all his crack-ish charms:

"So the cameras roll. Michael K's deejay, Ms. Saigon, has been silenced, best not to miss even a snippet of the outrageous audio. Flav swigs from one of several bottles of Chardonnay strewn about the store. Nielsen prefers her wine in a glass. Flav has picked out street wear for his statuesque friend jeans, Nike jersey, Puma sneakers. Nielsen slips a shirt over her head.

"'Ah, you would have to go bigger,' said Flav. 'I'm sorry, I don't like tight clothes on you.' The size-large shirt cannot be accurately described as tight. But Flav knows what he likes.

"'The only thing I like tight is your underwears and your bras and stuff.'"

Charmed, I'm sure.

"Indeed, Nielsen is wearing what appear to be constricting black bikini underwear. She doesn't bother with a dressing room. 'That's Brigitte Nielsen,' exclaims a dreadlocked customer, expressing the universal assessment: 'Damn, man, she tall right? Leggy blond.'

"Yes, she's 6-foot-2. He's not.

"Flav and Nielsen have been giving people something to talk about since they hooked up ? in a haze of wine and cigarette smoke ? on 'The Surreal Life.'

" ... But she professes to really care about Flav, the clock-wearing Public Enemy scratcher who created the role of rap sidekick.

"''He's not the love of my life, because I have a fianc� that I love very much,' she said. 'But I adore him.

"'We have such a good time together. We just feel so natural together. I don't know how it happened. But it did happen.'

"Flav is a little more definitive ? and has a message for fianc� Disse.

"'We are in love,' he says ? out of range of Nielsen, who has walked out in a huff during lunch. 'It ain't fake for the cameras. It's our real life. I love her.'

"He'll even take out his gold teeth for her.

"Nielsen does seem to have genuine affection for Flav, even if she doesn't like the clock or the walk.

"'Why do you have to walk like that,' she admonishes as they leave the store with several bags of clothes and shoes.

"Flav has his full gangster strut on."

Gitte doesn't like the roll in his stroll.

"'You don't always walk like that,' she snaps.

"Later, when Flav takes a turn at Miss Saigon's turntables, Nielsen bumps and grinds against him and lifts his shirt to bite him.

"'This is an experience that I want to have,' says Nielsen. 'The outcome, I don't know. I really don't know.'"

But you know The Corsair will be there for the ride.


(S)wine said...

Flava Flav is hilarious on this idiotic show. I find myself pausing on VH1 whenever he pops on the scene.

The thing that sucks bollix is that Public Enemy was such a HUGE influence not only in Rap/Hip-Hop, but in everyday peoples' lives--even a white boy's like me.

I grew up in Wash DC and to me, "Welcome to the Terrordome" spoke volumes. Also, as a writer, Chuck-D's lyrics and opinions were a big influence.

It's too bad Flava's ended up in this house as a triviality or a "has-been."

Public Enemy rocks! I wish Chuck-D would get off Air America and get back to cutting tracks.

The Corsair said...

I'm a HUGE PE fan from back in the day. I saw them at the Capitol center in DC in '92 with Anthrax and the Young Black Teenagere -- who were these talented white kids. I started moshing and somehow lost my shoe. At the end, I walked the angry streets of DC at, like, 2am back to my buddies' car with one shoe on. It was all so punk rock. Chuck D rocks on in the hearts of all of us young thirtysomethings. As for Flavzell Washington, I am utterly addicted to that show. Flav and Gitte are two freakshows that found each other -- rather sweetly, I must add -- in this icy universe. I'm hoping Flav can win her Danish heart from that Italian waiterboy she's engaged to.

(S)wine said...

I was also at that Cap Centre show! Sadly, the Cap Centre is no more.
Anyway, your shoe story is funny. Whilst you were wondering around the streets of DC shoe-less, did you happen to run into our native 2-foot-long rats?
(and I don't mean Politicians, in general).

The Corsair said...

Great show. I was too drunk to notice the rats. Thank god I didn't step on any glass or anything.