Thursday, October 28, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Scarlet Sykes Floyd, 6 pounds, 1 ounce, aged all of 5 days. Awww, the little sweetie. Fashionweekdaily relates:

"... Last Saturday, Hollywould shoes marketing and sales director Alice Sykes also the younger sister to twins Plum and Lucy?gave birth to Scarlet Sykes Floyd. Weighing in at 6 pounds, one ounce, Scarlet arrived three week early, much to the surprise of the engaged couple, who plan on wedding next September. But things don?t stop there. The new parents are also busy moving out of their current West Village digs (the same building as Lucy, her husband Euan Rellie and their son Heathcliff) and into Plum?s West 12th Street pad."

Heathcliff? Scarlett? Someone likes Clarke Gable movies.

Out: Jeffrey Jones. Remember that creepy actor who played Principal Ed Rooney in Ferris Beuller's Day Off? He rebuffed the tender offer of a pocket "warmed" gummy bear from that eccentric-looking bespectacled little girl? He is a child molester, people. But are we really surprised at the news? He played that "older authority figure in dogged pursuit of charming teenage boy" role little too well, if you ask me. Waay too well. According to TheSmokingGun:

"More than a year after actor Jeffrey Jones was convicted of paying a boy to pose for explicit photos, the teenager, now 19, has sued the star of 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' for alleged sexual abuse. In the below Los Angeles Superior Court complaint, filed Monday, the alleged victim--whose name we have redacted since he was a minor when he posed for Jones--contends the actor subjected him to 'physical and sexual abuse' during 1999-2000."
It only gets creepier.

In: Nicole and Lauren, Pals. The Corsair figures that the release of this emo picture of the two will dispel any rumors of tension between the padawan and her jedi starlet master. From Hello!Magazine:

"During a Venice Film Festival press conference, Ms Bacall cut short a journalist who dubbed co-star Nicole a 'legend'. 'She's not a legend,' corrected the 79-year-old star, famous for her no-nonsense demeanour. 'She's a beginner. What is this legend? She can't be a legend at whatever age she is.'While the remark was interpreted by many as tension between the two, Nicole, 37, has always insisted that she agrees with the seasoned actress ? and actually appreciated the opinion. 'I was thrilled that she dismissed the legend stuff,' she said later. 'To put me into a category I don't belong, burdens me with responsibility I don't want.'I telephoned Lauren and thanked her for saying that. She always calls it like it is and that's a reality check I adore.'"

The Corsair's Simultaneous Virtual Translator: "Seasoned actress" is shorthand for "Stolichnaya soaked bitter harridan."

Out: Britney Spears, Knocked Up. Pass the chicken fingers and raise the ceiling on the trailer home. Who knows what was doing in those gooey Pacific unguents she slurped (Eew), but The Corsair guesses that they worked (FemaleFirst):

"Britney Spears has reportedly announced to friends she is pregnant.

"The sexy singer, who is currently on honeymoon in Fiji with new husband Kevin Federline, is said to have told friends and family she is 'excited' at becoming a mum, according to America's Us Weekly magazine.

"A source revealed: 'We had a call from Kevin himself about the good news. They always said they wanted to have kids as soon as possible. Kevin and Britney want a real big family so they're getting into the swing of things straight away.'

"Britney has made no secret of her desire to have children since she tied the knot with Kevin in a surprise Los Angeles ceremony last month."

In: James St. James. James Saint James is a funny guy. Funny how, like he amuses me? Like he is some kind of a clown? Well, yes.

Here are a few of his favorite things. Parental advisory, folks. James St. James version is a little more extreme than "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens":

"I'm afraid of everything. EVERYTHING. As a child, I spent a great deal of time hiding in the kitchen cabinet. I was deathly afraid of Charles Manson (of course, of course) and ants depositing eggs in my eyelids (go figure). I was afraid of chiggers and dust bunnies and cannibals and that terrible, terrible Cyclops from THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD.

"Because it?s October, and because I?m hung over and don?t feel like discussing my weekend, here is a list of all the things that terrify me:

- Pickles- Sinkholes- Blue collar TV- The smell of old butt in your bed.- 'Pucci-inspired'- Lox- Defenestration- Rouged nipples on women- 'Powder and base ? together in one!'- Colonic resorts- Lesbian hairdo?s- The Chunnel- Land sharks- Misshapen heads - Most secretions- Sea cucumbers- Sinister new developments- Jumping through hoops- The smell of gay bars- Spinning meat- Ambiguous street signs- Intimacy- Hairy moles ..."

Lots more here.

Out: The October Surprise. Both camps are going to be releasing an October Surprise to shake up those goofy undecided voters to bolt in one direction or the other. Probably this weekend. because anyone stupid enough to still be undecided probably has attention deficit disorder as well and they want their respective October Surprises to remain fresh in the untutored minds of those goofballs. Hillary Clinton, an extreme Scorpio, eerily predicted that the election would turn on an "unforeseen event," like, possibly the prospect of an Arafat death and how that affects Jewish voters in Florida, or Putin's fondness for George Bush prompting him to help on the WMD front, or something along those mercurial lines.

More likely than not, though, the election will be turned, consciously, by one of the two parties October Surprises, launched any time from Friday to Monday morning. Get ready, brace yourselves, and hold your noses, because it is going to be dirty.

In: Magnificent Miu Von Furstenberg. Let's conclude this blogging day with my saying something nice. My blog wife has the most consistently witty and interesting blog in the blogosphere. My blog posts for the day are done, now, go over there and see what I'm talking about. My baby's all that.

No comments: