Saturday, October 02, 2004

Lynn Spears' Farewell Letter

"Steam, Teen Steam, Gotta get it out! ..."

--Alyssa Milano, Teen Steam

Like Alyssa Milano's pathbreaking "work" (Averted Gaze) on the far-ahead-of-it's-time classic "Teen Steam" video (hold your head up, Alyssa), Britney Federline is taking care of her own business as a newly married woman with -- quite possibly -- a fortune topping the tens of millions of dollars (think of how many chicken wings ...); in so doing, Lynn's Corner, the part of her website where her controlling stage mom chatted to the tweens, controlled the spin regularly, is being phased out ... and Britney is taking more control over the editorial and publishing on her site.

Sniff-sniff. One wonders Is that ... sniff-sniff, I say, Is that odor about the idea of phasing out Lynn's Corner ...: isn't the musk of Federline?

No, can't be.

That having been said, Britney's also attempting to make some online cold hard cash by selling site memberships, and -- again, I scent vague whiffs of that ole musk of Federline all over that novel idea which may thin Britney's already less than solid reputation and name within the trailer parks:

"Memberships are $24.98 (U.S. dollars) for U.S. and Canadian residents for 12 months.

"Memberships are $29.98 (U.S. dollars) for residents outside the U.S. and Canada for 12 months.

"The sooner you join, the earlier your membership will be dated."

Are chicken fingers included with that, honey?

Anyhoo, according to her The Official Britney Spears Fan Club (link via Stereogum), here's what "y'all" get when you join:

"(Britney is) going to be doing updates about what's going on, things I'm currently working on and I was also thinking about starting a section that has my favorite things of the month. It'll include different restaurants I've found, movies, CD's, bands, clothing designers, stores, beauty, fashion, travel, different recipes - stuff like that. What do ya'll think?

"Some of it will be posted on the fan club first, to give you guys the chance to read it before everyone else and then we'll put it up on the main site a little bit later. But, I still need a little more time to put the finishing touches on my first letter- so please be patient with me and I promise to have something ready to go up soon!"

Writing is difficult, so I'm not going to ride Britney too hard on her trouble with stringing sentences in the English language together. That's not my place; what I do easily is not what she does and what she does -- shake her booty -- well, I'm pretty good at that too, but we'll leave that for another day.

A Britney Spears recipe, however, well, now, that's what I'm talking about. I mean, Let me all up in that bitch; a man like me can really get saucy on what Britney would recomment for tweens to eat. Federline is, famously, the Chicken and mac and cheese food preparer.

But Hmmmm --- What did might a Britney recipe that entail?

Roast possum with all th' fixins?

Lynn's farewell letter:

"October 1, 2004

"Dear Fans,

"Wow! I know I've said we've had a whirlwind week before, but this one took the cake! We were ALL surprised!! And that's really saying something because it is very unlike Britney to be able to keep a secret. My first reaction was shock and then lingering thoughts of 'what about her dress?' 'what about the other plans?' and so on."

More likely than not, what's actually going through Lynn's mind: What about my percentage? What about Mommy's little dividend? Mommy's little trailer park rescue is mixing with the wroge element. Does Possum go well with Acorns? Ah think I'll have that tonight. y'all.

And so on:

"Then I started thinking about how Jamie Lynn was getting her hair done and would be late to the ceremony! It's quite a distance from the hair salon to the wedding site and we were all getting antsy, but then Jamie Lynn arrived and we hurried to get her ready. There were happy tears and 'congratulations' all at the same time. I must say, even with all the unexpected- it was a very beautiful and intimate wedding ceremony."

Intimate? Ah yes, nothing says nearest and dearest quite like tracksuits that read "maids" and "pimps."

"We had a brilliant wedding planner. You know, the kind of wedding Britney had- small & intimate, with a grand celebration in the works for later, was always my dream and I couldn't have been happier with how Britney and Kevin chose to do it. I haven't forgotten about sending the fan club wedding photos-- Britney and I are sorting through them and will have some for you all to see very soon!

"On top of it all, Britney and Kevin have a brand new beautiful home which they are going to be moving into. Besides being a gorgeous house, the location is actually what we love about it most. It reminds us of the kind of landscaping you would find in rural Mississippi- with the creek, trees and overgrown greenery."

I'm not even going to touch "the kind of landscaping you would find in rural Mississippi," and "overgrown greenery." That's too easy. If I hit one out of the park on that throwaway I would cheapen my art.

"Getting their home in order will be Britney's next project."

Then, therefter, she will populate the earth with a generation of pretty kids who dance well but contribute nothing to society at large.

"... Finally, I'm sure you've heard how excited Britney is about communicating with all of you directly through her website and fan club. So, this is going to be my final 'Lynne's Corner' for a while. I'll still be doing little projects here and there for the website and fan club- so it will be something fresh and new for us all! Thanks for all of your love and support fans, and thanks for reading- I have enjoyed filling you all in on the many events of the Spears family."

Don't let her edge me out! Tweens unite! I made her! I want half! Federline is taking my cash cow ... I mean, my baby!