Tuesday, October 05, 2004

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: The Britney Letter of Truth. Okay, tell the truth: how fucking much do you want to see this letter? I know I do, goddamn it. According to MSNBC:

"Britney Spears has been spending the last several days writing a missive called 'Letter of Truth: I hope you can handle it' ? which she plans to post on her fan site.

?'It was a life-changing letter for me, and I just want my fans to read it,' Spears told Britain?s OK magazine. 'It really states where I am in my life right now. It is making closure with a lot of things and I think this is my ultimate truth.'

"The newlywed pop princess says she had some epiphanies after seeing the Broadway production of 'Wicked' ? a look at 'The Wizard of Oz' that?s sympathetic to the Witch of the West, and has worked so hard on her letter that she says, she 'feels like I?m at Harvard.'?

Okay .... hoo boy, where to begin, where to begin: Britney (The Corsair gently explains this) ... a meaningful letter is only, like, only one-14th of just the entrance process at Harvard, first off. Maybe it was such a colossal effort because the chicken fingers impeded your grip on the pen?

Second, inspirational epiphanies arising from Broadway musicals? (Averted gaze) No. Not intellectual. So first room. It reeks of the whole "possum-with-all-the-fixins" set.

It's ... (The Corsair gets increasingly angry) ... it's the sort of thing that people who walk barefoot in public restrooms do .. (The Corsair immediately regrets what he has said) -- no offense?

Third, 23 year olds should eschew talking of "my ultimate truth" unless it is in the context of the earnest give-and-take of a rigorous classroom discussion of, say, Heidegger, which, my dear, quite frankly, you don't ever have to worry about, so, for the best dear, leave the questions of ultimate truth to the big brains. Fourth, I really like My Prerogative, Britney (The Corsair gushes like a schoolgirl), I was dancing to it last night as I was getting dressed for a date.

Out: Plagerism. According to WKKJ(Thanks to Tom at The Media Drop for hipping me to this): "Sony Pictures is being sued by a scriptwriter who claims Jennifer Lopez's movie 'Enough' plagiarized a script she wrote called 'Even Exchange.'" Okay, has anyone seen 'Enough'? I had that unfortunate experience, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Now, that having been said, said scriptwriter is actually going to cop to that singular act of intellectual pollution?

On the real: If that script were mine, I'd just kind of lay low, put on some flattering Ray Bans and ride it out, bro. Like R Kelly said -- Keep it on the down low, aint nobody has to know ...

In: The Brazilian Muse. Alizinha lets us know:

"If you're planning on being in or near New York City on Wednesday, October 20th, your presence is requested at my very first (kinda) literary reading, as part of the WYSIWYG Talent Show. WYSIWYG (say it with me: WIZ-ee-wig) is a forum in which bloggers usually tell stories (although some do skits or sing songs), all with the hopes of entertaining their audience. And having attended three WYSIWYGS already, I can tell you that these tend to be very fun shows.

"Each month's show is organized around a particular theme, and October's show (in true Halloween fashion) features 'Psychos I Have Dated or Worked for (or Both!)' as its topic. I'll be discussing a psychopath (technically, he was more of a sociopath) that I briefly dated. That's all I'm saying for now--you'll have to come to the show to get the whole creepy-yet-hilarious story!"

I'll be there, wearing my red Saville Row shirt.

Out: Romanians. They're a strange people. Their skin is dusky. They have an inordinate love of fiddle music. You can't trust them. I've heard they eat babies. My blogger wife, the magnificent Miu Von Furstenberg (no distance nor expanse of time can diminish our "blog glove," Miu), has found this story:

"A elderly Romanian man mistook his penis for a chicken's neck, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said Monday.

"It said 67 year-old Constantin Mocanu, from a village near the southeastern town of Galati, rushed out into his yard in his underwear to kill a noisy chicken keeping him awake at night.
"'I confused it with the chicken's neck,' Mocanu, who was admitted to the emergency hospital in Galati, was quoted as saying. 'I cut it ... and the dog rushed and ate it.'

"Doctors said the man, who was brought in by an ambulance bleeding heavily, was now out of danger."

Okay, why was this poultry in question so close your dangling Romanian sausage -- or, Matiti, Constantin; on second thought, I don't want an answer to that. I know I don't want an answer to that.

A Little Story A Propos of nothing: The Corsair does not hate Romanians, he was only joking. But the story reminded me of my High School friend, Vladimir N, who was going out with this French girl, Caleroy. Her parents were racist and couldn't stand the fact that her French Upper Class daughter was dating this ... Haitian ... musician!! Quelle horreur!

So, Calleroy's mother -- and I would not fucking make this us to you -- told her that she shouldn't see Vladimir because ... black people have tails!

This Noble Lie backfired, however, as she became more curious as to what a black tail looked like. Vladimir, gladly, showed her the error of her mothers ways, and, I suppose, Calleroy saw something she liked during the demonstration and, well, let's just say her mother's worst nightmare was made real. Very, very real, if, in fact, Vladimir's morning after testimony to "the guys" was accurate and not lagniappe. I don't know why i remembered that ... oh byeah, Romanians eat babies. And they put antifreeze in their wine.

So, in the end, Vladimir did get his tail after all -- so to speak.

In: Lindsayism. It's sweeping the media, Lindsayism is sweeping the nation. Any time now, NBC will ask Lindsay Robertson to write for SNL, and The Corsair will be so jealous, because, well, that's what he wants to do, write for tv, but, deep down inside, in that special place, he will know she deserves it. Here's what The Voice has to say:

"The blogosphere is filled with plenty of people out for juvenile high jinks, petty laughs, and gargantuan book deals, but there are some talents that eclipse anything you'll see on SNL, and LINDSAY ROBERTSON's one of them. Having honed her humor into the perfect blend of short, sharp, and snarky, she skewers everyone from Mary-Kate and Ashley to a video of retarded schoolkids and Barbie's new boyfriend without apology, while delivering tales of cab drivers on Ecstasy and wayward make-out sessions."

Congrats, Lindsay.

2 comments:

Tom said...

Hmmm... either she's preggers, is going to say she's an alcoholic, or that she had an abortion at a young age or something. Okay, maybe it's none of those things and I'm purely speculating in a hypothetical random idea sort of way.

Allison Bojarski said...

hey, this was a nice surprise. thanks, ron. see you oct. 20!