Wednesday, March 02, 2005

A Little of the Old In and Out


Above: Young, rich, beautiful powercouples in repose, at play, enjoying the restorative benefits of a chilled glass of the "earthy, full bodied" blood of Andalusian peasant babies.

In: The American Museum of Natural History's Winter Dance. Social Register beefcake David Patrick Columbia schools us on Thursday's "celestial black tie" happening:

"... This is one of New York's most popular junior events, drawing more than 600 of the young sophisticates (and according to your tastes, some of the heavenly bodies, if you will). Among the stellar attendees: Darryl Hammond, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, Will Forte, Kenan Thompson, Charles Rockefeller, Ted Roosevelt V, Victoria Traina, Donald Trump, Jr."

Surrealism at the American Museum of Natural History? That's quite a guest list. I'm just saying.

"... Fabian and Martina Basabe, Alex de Rothschild, Kim Garfunkel, Amy Astley, Peter Som and Jessie Della Femina.... They raised $36,000 at the auction, which with ticket sales brought the total to $250,000."

Other decidedly not hoi polloi guests included celebrity airhead Brittney Gastineau ("Hi, sailor: Are you married? -- twirls hair with finger -- What do you do for a living? What's your zip code?"), the perpetually anemic looking Moby (Could someone please fetch this poor man a spoonful of cod liver oil and a robust multivitamin?), the foolish Tinsley Mortimer (of whom the less that is said the better), and, finally, Ashley Olsen (Call me?).

Out: Deborah Gibson and Jamie Foxx? She get weak ... in a glance ... Isn't that ... what's called "romance"? Or something to that effect. According to the National Enquirer:

"Former teen idol Deborah Gibson decided to bare all in a sexy photo spread for Playboy because she's advertising for a boyfriend -- specifically Jamie Foxx."

The Corsair is confused. We figured -- how does one put this kindly? -- that winning the Best Actor Oscar ... brought one a ... better quality of, well -- "ass":

"She hopes the Oscar-nominated star of 'Ray' gets a copy and likes what he sees. 'I am now in dating mode,' she told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive interview. 'I'm not with anyone. I did Playboy because I have a very free spirit and I've gotten to a point in my life where I want to have fun."It's opened me up a lot. I hope it opens me up to a lot of men.'"

A considerable pause. A dramatic intake of air. The power to continue:

"... Pointing to her curvy bottom, the singer, whose new single is appropriately called 'Naked,' added: 'I want to be in Jamie Foxx's speed dial because he likes big booties and I've got a big boot.'"


In: Paula Abdul. The Corsair never thought when he began this little "In and Out" enterprise over a year ago that Paula Abdul would ever make the cut. But she did. Oh, yes, sweet Jesus she did. She's in for reporting a juicy, nougaty morsel that almost didn't make the light of day or the post Oscy wrap-ups, this, according to Contactmusic:

"OSCAR winner JAMIE FOXX's big night out after the ACADEMY AWARDS turned sour on Sunday when fire marshals prevented him from attending a charity bash where he was the guest of honour.

"The RAY star was left out in the cold at the Children Uniting Nations benefit at The Factory in Hollywood because the venue was full to capacity.

"The party's co-host PAULA ABDUL reveals, 'He was outside the venue waving his statue and the fire marshals wouldn't let him in.'"

First, Debbie Gibson offers him some lowgrade piece of ass and now, in this moment of exigency, a stiff rebuff at The Factory. An Oscar, dear readers, just aint what it used to be.

Out: Jimmy Fallon. Where has former "It Boy" Jimmy Fallon been since he unwisely exited the sweet ride that is SNL in what can only be properly construed as a "crack head maneuver."

There was the regrettable Taxi, where he stunk up the screen with co-star Queen Latifa. Then the Sav-On incident. Then, recently, there was the Nylon Party (Averted Gaze), according to Fashionweekdaily:

"Neither wind nor sleet nor Ugg-ly boots could stop the downtown crowd last night, as Nylon and Miss Sixty threw an oh-so-ironic Spring Fling at Lounge. Fuzzy hats and furry boots reigned supreme as hearty bands of hipsters hit the bar, where a warming combination of vodka and Red Bull brought color back to frozen faces.

"Spotted in the crowd were DJ Steve Aoki, Nylon Accessories Director Dani Stahl, and New York yoga guru Rebecca Menashe, with hubby Jack in tow. Morphine Generation designer Kristen Coates floated through the crowd ? in her own threads, natch ? and giggly girls did their best to crash into Jimmy Fallon, who arrived at the party solo (and covered in snow)."

If you'll observe closer, you'll see that it wasn't really snow at all. It was loser dust.

In: Les Moonves. Gather round the delicious burgundy colored evil of CBS lothario Les Moonves. According to Medialifemagazine:

"In the latest edition of Playboy magazine, CBS chief Les Moonves discusses whether CBS news anchor Dan Rather would have stuck around for another year had the Memogate scandal not knocked him out. Moonves said Rather may have stayed at 'The CBS Evening News' for a 25th year, but he decided to step down before the report was publicized."

As it happens, Dan didn't remain, so those comments are essentially meaningless. Unless ... un-"Les": Moonves wanted to signal to journos that he is on their side. He's not the bad guy here. Things might have been different.

Les could be trying to minimize damage from the fourth estate for what we predict will be a radical point du depart in his next programming decision for that 6:30 evening slot.

But no. No one could be that smooth. No one could work that "big disgusting evil" with such savoir faire and elan. Or could he?

Out: The Pink Panther Movie. Not that The Corsair was going to watch the damn thing. There are two Steve Martin's: one, the smart Los Angelino comic-actor, and two, the buffoon. Aintitcoolnews reviews the film:

"... in this new version we get a Clouseau with the functionality of a mentally 'challenged' person trying to climb a tree with his ass. Which is kinda surprising, because I was hoping that Steve Martin, being a comedic genius in his own right, understood what made the character work.

"... We get a lot of Clouseau tripping, falling, farting (yes, farting), inflicting pain on himself and others, but with none of that subtlety that always accompanied the gags. When I was seven, I laughed at Clouseau falling through a hole in the floor. Now I laugh at Seller?s subtle facial expressions before and after the fall. Martin?s Clouseau, while not horrible, just feels like a live-action cartoon. He?s such an imbecile, such a retard, that he has to do something completely stupid in every single scene, every single second."

The odd thing about Steve Martin is that the man is uncommonly smart. Or at least he has pretentions in being perceived as such. So, why does he do these things? Why does he hoist such horseshit at us? The paycheck?

Couldn't he do smart, witty Los Angeles grown up films like Albert Brooks or something? Does he really think Americans are so stupid they will pay to watch this dreck?


slyboots2 said...

Poor Steve- he can't win. No one watched him in the tremendous Spanish Prisoner...I read in an interview (can't remember the source) that he does the dumb ones to get money for his art collection. It's supposed to be amazing. Hope it compensates for the loss of face.

Anonymous said...

As a British worker over at the B&N East 20's said to me (regarding a David Sedaris book) in that oh-so-British manner, dripping with disrespect, "Americans will laugh at anything." It's disappointing he doesn't contribute to the Clouseau character on a better level than farting and tree butt-climbing even if for a collection. Sigh. Note to self: rewatch Buster Keaton.

Anonymous said...

But Ron, Americans ARE stupid and will watch anything... A look at the most successful films of the past couple of years are proof of that. At least Steve Martin knows this and is using the money for his art collection instead of a Hummer and donations to Kabbalah and Scientology.