Friday, February 04, 2005

Paris Hilton on SNL: The Corsair's Take

Oh yes (The Corsair's devilish grin widens, rubs hands together) ... oh yes. Tonight we all collectively TiVo Paris Hilton, our favorite skank nemesis, who will drive her shtick all up in Lorne Greene's bitch. Not literally. Figuratively speaking, of course.

But we digress. Not since Al Sharpton hosted have we anticipated a guest host more. The stars are all aligned in the formation of a cosmic happy face. That's right: Paris Hilton is hosting that countercultural Baby Boomer stronghold, Saturday Night Live. Does Tina Fey call her a whore to her face? Do they develop some kind of sisterhood thing? What?

The Corsair is salivating at the thought of Harvard Lampoon alums trying to get their "A Night in Paris DVD" references past NBC Standards and Practices. Now, as we write this, the pitch meetings are distant memories, the beats have been hammered out of the skecthes, the roundtable read was braught off swimmingly, last minute rewrites to punch up jokes are being memorized, and all that is left -- in the end -- is the live dress rehearsal, which, we believe, is going on now at 30 Rock. Tinkerbell is probably in the thong, being teased mercilessly by the staff.

There are so many ways we can go with this; here are a few:

11:32: Opening Sketch. White House Situation Room.

President Bush: Today we have before us an issue of grave National Security.
Condi: Oh, dear God. Is it Iran? They are nuclear capable?
President Bush: No, no, it's ...
Rummy: (Taking off his glasses, deliberately, squinting eyes) Rogue Soviet nuclear warheads. Goddamn it! (Hits table loudly in a manly fashion)
Bush: No, Rummy, let me ...
Vice President Cheney: (Hesitant) ... This isn't about the fact that I have to drink blood to stay alive is it?
(A considerable pause; Everyone is stunned)
Bush: No, Dick. It's not. But ... that's kind of disturbing information, to know.
Cheney: Yeah, Well, welcome to my world, Mr. President. The neverending darkness. Oh, I leave the young RNC staffers enough to live off of, "right to life" and all that. I'm not heartless. I just siphon off a little of the juice ... it's so young ... so frsh ... just to ...
Bush: (Thoroughly Disturbed) We'll have to discuss that later, Dick. What we came here to discuss is ...
Cheney: Did Rummy squeal? He's the only one who knew I was a creature of the night.
Rummy: I didn't ...
Condi: Do they feel any pain?
Cheney: Nah, I kind of mesmerize them with my eyes to break them before I suckle.
Bush: (Trying to regain the moemtum of the meeting)Dick, please try to focus. National Security here, this is the issue: I called you here to say that my dog, Spot ... before he passed away ... starred, inadvertently, in a ... video.
Condi: (Confused but resolute) What kind of video could affect National Security, Mr. President?
Bush: -- It was a sex tape.
(Clamor, moral outrage)
Bush: (Clearly pained)-- The dog was in a sex tape with Tinkerbell, the Paris Hilton rat dog. I'm sure the twins' dodgy friend Fabian Basabe was involved. CIA is looking into it. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. It's all over the internet and it is the first crisis of this second administration.
Rummy: (Banging table) What kind of a sick ...

And so on. Or:

11:40: Opening Monologue.
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen ... Paris Hilton!

11:50: Weekend News. Anchors Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, welcome Paris Hilton to sit in on the news for the cause of "sisterhood."
(After some crisp jabs at the State of the Union) Tina Fey: So, Paris, what are you're thoughts on The State of the Union?
Paris: (Doing Nails) Unions are for socialists, Tina Fey. I only know about the state of the Art Deco lobby at 30 Rock, and it's shabby. You should take a page from the tasteful decor at the Hilton Hotels.
Tina Fey: -- Whatever.
(After riff on Condi in Europe) Amy Poehler: So, Paris, (hesitant) What dya think about the Secretary of State visiting the European Three?
Paris: (Bored) I only do the European Three if the other chick is hott. I won't do it if it's two guys, Amy Poehler.
Amy: Okay ... More information than I needed to know ..
Tina: I actually have that on DVD, if you want the visuals, Amy.

12:05: Simple Life: SNL. Lorne grants Paris and Nicole an SNL internship for the Simple Life.
Lorne: (Maniacal) Clean out the writer's room till it shines ... like the top of the Chrysler building. (leaves)
Paris: (sotto voce) N.O.C.D. Totally power tripping. How noveau riche.
Nicole: Class will tell. You know, Paris, look at all the American comedy history in this room. We should look upon this as a learning experience.
Paris: You know, you're right.You're so positive, Nicole. You're my bestest friend.
Tinkerbell: Ruff! Ruff!
Paris: (Pulling mysterious object from Tink's mouth)Whatcha got there, boy. Whatcha gnawing on?
Nicole: Looks like a piee of old rawhide. Tink has some Kung Fu grip there.
Paris: Do you know what this is?
Nicole: What?
Paris: This is Al Franken's sense of humor ...
Nicole: Wow. You see. That's been missing for years. Some believed it was a myth.
Paris: (Tosses it aside) Oh, look! (Picks up thin tissue paper thin sillhouette, badly damaged) it's Dennis Miller's soul!
Nicole: Look (sadly), it's such a fragile thing. I don't think it's gonna make it.
Paris: It has writing! Can you read that? I never learned ...
Nicole: It says, "Property of Satan!"
(Girls Scream Simultaneously)
Lorne: What's going on in here? Why isn't this place shining?


Anonymous said...

hahahaha Paris sucked on SNL.
I could barely even watch afraid to be patronizing that garbage. I love SNL, but have a hard time participating in the success of someone who has no talent.

(S)wine said...

The bit about Al Franken's humour...Brilliant, man!