Thursday, February 03, 2005

Red Bull Versus Disgusting Voodoo

Et voila tout: Disgusting voodoo is coming to a bar or bike shop near you, according to Jeanette Walls (2nd item):

"... The merchandising-minded spiritualists at the trendy Kabbalah Center are launching a new Kabbalah energy drink. And they�re hoping that Kabbalah devotee Ashton Kutcher will be the face of the new beverage, which they�re targeting to mass market, non-Kabbalah consumers.

�'We�re going after the Red Bull market,' spokesman Darin Ezra told The Scoop. 'But Kabbalah Energy Drink tastes better. And it�s infused with Kabbalah water, which is holy water.' So does it have mystical healing powers, like Kabbalah water is supposed to? 'I�m not going to comment on that,' said Ezra."

Oh Ezra, you tease. Specify which powers, s'il vous plait. You can't just bandy about the word 'holy' like that without karmic repercussions, my good man. What's in it for The Corsair? The Corsair brings a lot of flavor to the table, you know; hundreds look to us for guidance and snark. If we, say, slurp some of this mystical concoction, can we, like, fly? Or will we get crappy "Wonder Twin powers ACTIVATE" in-the-shape-of-an-icepick abilities. Inquiring minds want to know. Red Bull just gives you an energy boost, but if Kaballah water allows me to defy gravity? So there. Like Clark Kent on Smallville. Cause that would be so fire.

"He says that Kutcher, Madonna, and Demi Moore are currently trying out the Kabbalah energy drink, may agree to be its spokesman. The product has been launched in a very limited market in Southern California, and will go wider shortly, with a major media campaign of radio, print and television and the tag line: 'Source of Power.' Does this foreshadow a whole line of Kabbalah products? Say Kabbalah breakfast cereal and breath mints? 'If it�s successful,' the spokesman says, 'There will be more Kabbalah products.'"

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