Friday, December 05, 2003

Al Sharpton on SNL

Oh yes (devilish grin widens, rubs hands together) ... oh yes. The funniest guy at the otherwise regrettable Democratic Party debates is taking his shtick up in Lorne Greene's bitch. The stars are all aligned in forming a cosmic happy face. The wise men are coming from the east bearing gifts of Frankincense and Myrr. It's Christmastime in the city and on Saturday Night, Al Sharpton is going to help us all get our laugh on.

"Paris Hilton," report Rush and Molloy, "who has canceled all interviews, will join guest host the Rev. Al Sharpton and musical guest Pink on Saturday Night Live." All the better.

That's right: Al Sharpton's hosting that countercultural Baby Boomer stronghold Saturday Night Live. The Corsair is salivating at the thought of Harvard Lampoon writers trying to not trip over themselves writing for the Reverend, who needs little help in cracking up an audience.

There are so many ways we can go with this:

11:32: Opening Skit. Flashback: Sharpton debates patrician Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan (played deftly by Darrel Hammond in Harvard tweeds) for Senate in 1994. A rhyming Sharpton engages in "the dozens," while Moynihan, in vain, tries to steer the debate towards his pet sociological issue, namely, "Iatrogenic Government." Hilarity ensues. No--wait -- that wasn't a skit, that might have really happened.

11:40: Al Sharpton medallion skit.
The secret origins of Al's eye-catching medallion. Apparently it has come down from from an ancient African civilization of hustlers running "scampaigns" not to win the Presidency, but to get a tv gig. The medallion imparts the gift of gab. Sho nuff.

11:50: Al Sharpton: The Early Years. Driving around down south doing doughnuts late at night with James Brown in parking lots. Hair coiffing techniques are discussed. That sort of thing.

11:55: Weekend News. Anchors Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon, telling Sharpton jokes, are interrupted by ... you got it: the Rev! Oh no, they didn't! The Reverend does Soul Weekend News, putting a little salt in the SNL the Harvard-educated writers' game.

12:05: President Al Skit: What would happen if Al Sharpton won the Presidency? Pink Performs "Get The Party Started" at the Inauguration as Al gets his boogie on. Shuttle diplomacy over the East Coast West Coast gang friction. Al brings peace to the Middle East by bringing up his love of James Brown's early music, bringing together Sharon and Arafat in a stunning rendition of "Hot Pants." Al Sharpton marries a gay couple (Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch) and brings together both left (Amy Poelher in hippie garb) and right in a sermon (Jimmy Fallon in preacher garb) on that funny thing called love, over some down home southern cuisine.

12:10: Pink performs. Sharpton, drunk on attention, does back up vocals on "Hooker" uninvited. Pink is not impressed.

12:30: Paris Hilton- Al Sharpton tape surfaces, making the rounds at office Christmas parties. On tape Al is shown answering his cell phone and posing lewdly for the camera. Al tries to escape the media spotlight by heading home to Harlem, unfortunately, guys on 116th Street accost Sharpton for "getting with a girl that don't have no ass."

12:45: Reality show. Al Sharpton must spend a month in The Hilton's world, attending premiers, walking past the velvet rope-- scantily clad. Sharpton must hold Hilton's teacup chihuahua Tinkerbell. Moral of the story? In the end, a teary eyed Sharpton confesses that "a kid from the streets ... cannot manage this much papering."

1:00: Signs off reading Twas the Night Before Christmas to Pink and Hilton.

Set your Tivo's on stun.