The Corsair 15
The Art scene is banging; hedge funds are booming; The usual boldface suspects -- Trump, Kravis, Mosbacher -- are up to their White Mischief, with, to be sure, Liz Smith in tow, showing her usual Spaniel-like fidelity (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Everything looks like the 80s all over again (The Corsair gamely sips on a Riunite on Ice)-- except the great Spy Magazine (RIP) is no longer on the newsstands (The Corsair pours out a bit of Riunite for Graydon and "..the dead homiez").
In their spirit -- and with only a fraction of their human resource manpower -- we present The Corsair 15, "My Annual Census of the 15 Most Annoying, Alarming, and Appalling People, Places and Things." We miss you, Spy (The Corsair lights up a Macanudo Robust Baron de Rothschild; humming Mozart's Queen of the Night Aria to himself):
15-Henry Kissinger. World-rapist; Liver-spotted Machiavel ... War criminal ...Well-respected by despots everywhere ... Metternich on The Hudson ... No More Springtime in Paris for Henry (He has a summons to appear at the Palias du Justice)... According to Issacson's Kissinger bio (page 583), Maxine Cheshire, a WashPo reporter, reported that the former Secretary of State "dated" a woman who starred in a bestiality film called ... Trio ... Kissinger berated Kay Graham over the phone for printing the item along with salacious pictures of them attending a Washington function ... Nice (Averted Gaze) ... Greenlighted the East Timor massacre.
Mitigating Factors: ... Self-deprecating jokes at roasts of his aging gallery of friends/ Master of the Universe, which demonstrates The Kissinger Doctrine: Even if it's about somebody else, it's really all about Kissinger.
Predictions 2007: The grim reaper will, unfortunately, rescue Kissinger from being tried as the war criminal that he is.
(image via NYPost)
14- Jeff Zucker ... NBC Universal's third-quarter profit fell 10 percent to $542 million ... Responsible for the thoroughly despicable "Joey (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)" ... Head shaped like a fucking overripe summer squash ... The Peacock aint so proud anymore, baby ... Overpaid blowhard ... Two words: "Falling Upwards" ... Overuse of the word "Tremendous" ... FireJeffZucker.com ... Positively Rumsfeldian in his ability to resist oversight ... Martyr Complex ...
Mitigating Factors: "TV 2.0"
Predictions 2007: NBC's top slot, unfortunately.
(image via oybey)
13-Mel Gibson ... Thinning hair; beady eyes; Falstaffian beard ... Anti-Semitic sadist Freakshow ... Popular among Tridentine Catholics and Pat Buchananites ... Cheated on his wife with soft porn actress Diane Alouise ... According to Mel the Cheater, his wife Robyn Moore, won't make it past Heaven's Velvet Rope because she isn't Catholic.
Mitigating Factors: He gave us the world's first S&M Jesus movie.
Predictions 2007: A cinematic remake of the Pasolini's perverse homage to the Marquis de Sade, "Salo." Or, perhaps a biopic of Hieronymous Bosch?
Dig that ass. (image via btiinternet)
12-Jennifer Aniston. ... Just why do we even fucking care at this point? (Oh yeah, the ass)... The hair ... Sprayed hot tears over unflattering sourpuss remarks by -- of all people -- Holywood nonentity Kim Stewart ... Dated the creepy ex-con, Vince Vaughn.
Mitigating Factor: Has a fucking hott little rocking Bod.
Predictions 2007: More shitty Romantic Comedy (Or, as we like to call that shit genre at Corsair HQ, 'RoCo'); Perhaps an Indie film to cleanse the palette.
(image via olemiss)
11- Thomas Harris. Inspired and unleashed upon this hapless planet a generation of ingenious, Nietzchean serial killers (Thanks there, douchebag)... Astonishingly bad Hannibal literary prequel, "Hannibal Rising (Is there such a thing as a good prequel?)" ... Just what the fuck is a Lady Murasaki? And how does this ill-thought out plot point figure in to Hannibal? ... Suggests that the character Hannibal became a cannibal because of the ringing memory of his dead baby sister's "'Anniba," haunts him (Averted Gaze)... Greed caused him to ruin a perfectly fine trilogy ... 'Anniba! is bound to become The Terby of 2007 ... The novel is now officially dead.
Mitigating Factor: None.
Prediction 2007: Universal panning of his book; hit film. No accounting for taste.
(image via biola)
20-Sundance. May have Jumped the shark when they invited Paris Hilton (Damn, she fucked the whole shit up) ... Out of control Swag scene ... Leathery Indie God Robert Redford has a scrotal lift.
Mitigating Factor: The Squid and the Whale, Little Miss Sunshine.
Despicable Factor: Friends with Money opens in 2006
Predictions 2007: More swag, less indie cred.
(image via streetplay)
10- Rudy Giuliani. Lost his Presidential Plans ... Lol ... Perhaps he is Not Yet Ready for Prime Time ... His emerging hero-status on September 11th liberated him from his despicable combover ... During the Dinkins Mayoralty, led a rally of 10,000 armed cops to City Hall ... Many officers had open containers (Budweiser tallboys, no doubt) and shouted racist epithets ... Giuliani married his cousin (Averted Gaze), which may or may not play well on the campaign trail in Appalachia ... Carries about him the thoroughly sleazy air of urban backroom politics... No foreign policy experience, unless you count an outing to the International House of Pancakes ... No more fawning 9/11 raves -- the hard questions are being asked.
Miss Run Amok.(image via villagevoice)
9- Judith Miller. Her shrill, almost feral defensiveness made for some interesting interviews in the immediate aftermath of her revelation as a closeted Neocon stooge ... Precipitated Maureen Dowd to infamously bitchslap her on 22 October 2005, saying, in part, "She never knew when to quit. That was her talent and her flaw. Sorely in need of a tight editorial leash, she was kept on no leash at all, and that has hurt this paper and its trust with readers. She more than earned her sobriquet 'Miss Run Amok.'"
Mitigating Factor: Sort of MILFy in a schoolmarmish way.
Predictions 2007: Fox News commentator on "left wing media bias"
(image via ohnotheydidnt via socialitelife)
8- Star Jones. The only person alive who didn't know "Big Gay" Al Reynolds wasn't particularly straight ... Unemployed ... Lied about losing her weight (stomach staples) ... Turned her wedding into an advertorial freakshow, infuriating Babs Walters, and losing her the best gig of her career ...
Mitigating Factor: Unemployed.
Prediction for 2007: Nada.
7- Women Aren't Funny. Our old pal "Hitch" propounds the thesis that men are funny (and women aren't) for the reasons of sexual competition ... Women rely on looks, while men ply their wares with the funny ... Someone tell Amy Poehler, Cheryl Hines and -- while you're at it -- Wanda Sykes ... Also: Selma Blair and Carolyn Castiglia.
Mitigating Factor: 1950s thinking.
Prediction 2007: Debunked by another generation of women comics.
(image via forbes)
6- Michael Eisner. Author of the unreadable "Camp" ... Simian former Disney head, current cable progamming nonentity ... Bloodless looking ... Remember "The Alamo"? ... We'd like to have a "Conversation with Eisner," and it would begin: Hey, fuckface, Theme Parks? ... Alienated the talented Jeff Katzenberg ("Little midget") and the genius Steve Jobs as well as gentle Disney scion Roy Disney and MouseHouse stockholders ... Swell and lovely.
Mitigating Factors: None.
Prediction for 2007: Continue to labor unheralded at the CNBC ghetto covered in loser dust.
(image via berkeley)
5- George Stephanopoulos. Clinton betrayer and apostate ... Stalled career at ABC ... Languishing in Third Place in the Sunday Talking head ratings game ... Allegedly has sex twice a day (Bullshit, coughcough) ... Inscrutable hair ... Cloying mild voice ... Of working with Bill Clinton in his fucked up memoir All To Human: "During June battles on the budget and affirmative action, hives had erupted across my chin. I grew a beard." ... Could that beard be Ali Wentworth?
Mitigating Factor: Adorable and candid wife, Ali Wentworth, formerly of "In Living Color"
Predictions for 2007: Dropped from "The Week"
4- Jamie Foxx. Stole the Oscar from Don Cheadle ... Said once of "Collateral" costar Tom Cruise, ""Did You Know You Could Start Slavery Right Now?" ... Allegedly drank $8,000 worth of drinks with P Diddy ... Was bloated in Miami Vice ... Model, singer, actor, fucker.
Mitigating Factor: May have slept with oprah Winfrey.
Prediction for 2007: Further insidious bloat, possible alcohol poisoning and dead hooker incident.
(image via drinkthis)
3- Kimora Lee Simmons. Self described "Fly Bitch" ... Had the audacity to call her shitty little flop "Modern Fabulosity (Do her fans even have the powers of literacy?)" ... Went blonde (Eew) ... Filthy disgusting ultra-materialism ... Dumped by Russell Simmons ... Turkey Neck (Gobble gobble) ... Arrested for weed.
Mitigating Facto: Adorable children.
Predictions for 2007: Further descent into obscurity without Russell's coattails.
She wants to be the girl with the most cake. (image via alternet)
2-Dakota Fanning. Scenery chewing Little Miss Movie Star ... Has Krispy Kremes flown in from Sydney ... One crying scene too many (Can someone say Overbaked Ham?)... Almost tarted up by Tom Ford ... One of the most powerful people in Hollywood ... Has decided to play a child rape scene on screen ...
Mitigating Factor: Still young.
Prediction for 2007: Hollywood domination.
(image via peteykins)
1-Donald Rumsfeld. Fucked the whole war shit up ... Lack of armored HUVs ... May have planted questions in a press conference ... Rummy Snowflakes; Berating the Press; ... Unprepared for the aftermath ... Championed Cold War era warfare in an asymetrical universe ... Infuriated ex-generals, who -- pre-election -- led to the End of Republican rule in Congress ... Dirty Bureaucratic infighter ... Voluminous military critiques ... Midge Dector's Beloved (*The Corsair shudders*)
Mitigating Factor: Second Gulf War quagmire.
Predictions for 2007: Robert McNamaraesque Disgrace. (But considering this President, who values "falling upwards," expect a Congressional Medal of Freedom.