Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Tragically Beautiful CNN Anchor Unfairly Compared To Paris Hilton

(image via AnderonCooper)

Tragically beautiful and impossibly wellborn CNN anchor and everyone's favorite emoticon, Anderson Cooper has been crudely compared by windbag Roger Ailes's bloviating Fox Network to Paris "Little Miss Assless" Hilton (Exaggerated cough suggesting geigned detachment). Unforgivable. Anderson Cooper cannot possibly be compared to such louche vulgarity as is Paris Hilton (Averted Gaze). Cooper does, however, compare favorably in passing reference to the ancient "Bust of Dying Alexander" at the Uffizi gallery(A dismissive wave). From TMZ:

"In the world of conservative news nerds, calling someone 'Paris Hilton' is an insult. That 'slur' has now been hurled by FOX News at grey-haired golden boy Anderson Cooper."

(image via guistgallery)

Pardon. Un point du depart. Calling Anderson Cooper "gray-hared golden boy," is also profoundly misleading, and, more to the point, it fucks with my mellow (An expressive silence). This blog prefers to see Anderson Cooper as the Earthly Embodiment of Rilke's Archaic Torso of Apollo ("Else this stone would stand defaced and squat/ under the shoulders' diaphanous dive/ and not glisten like a predator's coat/ and not from every edge explode/ like starlight: for there's not one spot/that doesn't see you. You must change your life").

Thnak you very much. Continue:

"In the latest issue of Television Week, the right-leaning cable net ran a two-page ad with the screaming headline: 'MEET THE PARIS HILTON OF TELEVISION NEWS.' Anderson isn't pictured or named, but there's a photo, taken from behind, of a slim, grey-haired man in a suit.

"The ad also says that 'Anderson' is 'style over substance' and a 'media darling.' But here's the kicker: ' He still gets beat EVERY NIGHT BY ... Greta Van Susteren.' Ouch."

First off, lets get things straight. Anderson doesn't get beaten by Greta Von Susteren. Anderson Cooper gets beaten by his own mighty mortality, like Christ in Medieval Illuminated Manuscripts.

Just so you know ...

1 comment:

Bubbles, Ink. said...

Oh shite, this was absolutely brilliant. We're still dying over this post.