Monday, July 17, 2006

Macaulay Culkin: Starring in The Apple Head Doo Doo Club

Billy Jean is not his lover. (image via telia)

Who put the hoodoo on Michael Jackson's doo-doo? Why: Macaulay Culkin, that's who! (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) With an alleged pot of $17 million in -- as he calls it -- "Fuck you money (Averted Gaze)," you'd think Culkin would make the messes from his dodgy childhood relationship dissapear. Quite the contrary. We are now all up in his secret society bitch with Michael Jackson, a sort of "He Man-Woman Haters Club" Except, one of the participants of this secret society for two was, er, a little boy.

From those intrepid Page Sixxies:

" ...When cops raided Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch almost three years ago, they bagged a picture of Culkin from Jacko's bedroom. The framed 'Home Alone'-era shot stood out like a sore thumb when video of the raid was shown during Jackson's kiddie-sex trial last year. That video, however, didn't focus closely enough to see Culkin's autograph. A Santa Barbara County judge recently unsealed almost 900 pages of previously secret court documents, including a description of that creepy photo. The Post's David K. Li reports that a sheriff's evidence-inventory memo states: 'The photograph was signed and had a message written on it. The message stated, To Apple Head. Always remember keep Apple Head Club Doo Doo Head Alive."


Altogether now: Apple Dumpling si; Apple Doo Doo, non (image via clown-ministry)

Our childhood, innocuous by contrast, involved repeated viewings of the Apple Dumpling Gang starring that affable scamp Don Knotts. What a bucolic childhood Macaulay's must have been. Imagine: Apple heads slurping Jesus juice (served chilled, in a Diet Coke can, to curious 13-year old boys). Magicians exhibiting Majestik Magnificence. Chimps being assasinated post coitus *allegedly (Averted Gaze)* Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury: Michael Jackson's like is like fucking Fellini's Clowns.


"It was signed 'McCauley Caulkin' [sic] and, in parenthesis, Doo Doo Head. 'In Neverland speak, Jackson and his special young male pals were Doo Doo Heads and their secret society the Apple Club. Culkin played a star role in Jackson's defense last year, testifying that the pop star never molested him despite testimony of former Neverland workers who said otherwise."

It is no wonder that Culkin's latest role involved being a "fresh fish" in some backwater Oklahoma pokey -- no doubt a moist Oz-like scenario.

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