Saturday, July 29, 2006

Realpolitik World, Season 2


"This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The RealPolitik World (TM)!"

In Realpolitik World, season 1, Kissinger stole the only single room in the house ( "De early bird catches the worm."), Francis Fukuyama forgot his ID and could not go out clubbing with the Realists, and Midge Dector struggles with her unnatural feelings towards Donald Rumsfeld. Now, The Corsair presents, without further ado: Season 2, Realpolitik World, Persia:

New Roomies

Francis Fukuyama (In the Confessional): So, I'm older, wiser from last season. We're getting some new roomies. Word is they're .. Jacksonians. That should totally fuck up the balance of power in the h-iZ-ouse.

Kissinger: A sustainable peace ...

Charles Krauthammer (scold): Jacksonians are real reptile brain types. Steak-and-potato, no-neck ruffians. The Archie Bunkers of the Global Theater ...

Midge Dector: What's a Jacksonian?

Krauthammer: Walter Russell Mead's term, it is the modern analogue to the foreign policy of Andrew Jackson. Extreme nationalist, isolationist, Mel Gibsonesque, skeptical of international institutions, canine, xenophobic and -- worst of all -- they are entirely unsympathetic to the existential threat of Israel ..


(image via timeinc)

Enter, Pat Buchanan, carrying bags.

Buchanan: Shalom.

Krauthammer: -- Oh dear, Jesus.

Buchanan: No, just his humble servant, Patrick J. Buchanan.

Enter Alan Keyes, the other roomate.

Keyes (shellshocked): I'm living with Pat Fucking Buchanan?

First House Meeting

Walter Russell Meade: Okay, the first House meeting will come to order.

Pat Buchanan: I'd like to make a motion.

Krauthammer: Better idea, why don't you not and just say you did.

Buchanan: Funny. I move to order a "Coloreds Only" waterfountain in the house.

Alan Keyes: Oh now, really, that's despicable.

Day 5

Alan Keyes (in the confessional): Midge is in her room, composing a love letter to Rummy. Krauthammer and Fukuyama are having a breknuckled intellectual brawl, masking their sexual tension. I've just been praying loudly to Jesus to Deliver me from Pat Buchanan ...

Buchanan: I heard that!

Keyes: ... And Henry Kissinger is making love to his favorite person in the world -- himself.

Dear, Rummy

Midge Dector (In love-soaked voice) "... Dear Rummy: How are things, my Organization Man. Don't let those commies in the press get you down. I think you're the best Secretary of Defense EVER. Over here things are a bit tense. I got into a huge row with Pat Buchanan. He ended up storming out of the house but not without saying, acidly, 'There goes my B'Nai B'rith Man of the Year Award.' Can you imagine! And the Confederate flag on his door is not exactly winning Alan over.

"Alan just prays and prays all day. Loudly.

"But at least it masks the grunting noises coming from Fukuyama and Krauthammer. I think their intellectual rivalry has progressed into something a bit more .. unsavory. More on that later.

"Which reminds me, Mr. Secretary: When are you coming over for dinner? Love, Midge"

The Liebowitz Picture

Zbignew Brzenzski: Annie Liebowitz is taking a picture of us for a rare centerfold in The Wilson Quarterly, which is like the Vanity Fair of foreign service magazines, or didn't you already know that. Anyone who'se anyone is subscribed to the Wilson Quarterly. It has .. chic.

Richard Holbrooke: Of course, the jockeying for position begins almost immediately.

Midge Dector: I felt -- and I was sure everyone agreed with me -- that being the only woman in the group I ought to be front and center. Henry liberated me from that illusion, to put it mildly.

Fareed Zakaria: As you can imagine, Henry Kissinger had a different agenda ...

Midge Dector: It was some real Metternichian bullshit to pull.

Zakaria: Henry was just being Henry.

Richard Holbrooke: Kissinger positioned himself strategically behind Midge. I wish I had thought of it. Evil genius.

Fareed Zakaria: And just as Annie Liebowitz's flash went off Kissinger told Midge she had a run in her stocking showing. She bowed her head just so, to look. And -- voila! -- Kissinger became the center of gravity of the photo.

(image via globalvision)


Dector: I'll miss the place. Did I learn anything? Sure, Jacksonians are creepy.

Kissinger: No, once again I did not learn anything, because there is nothing to learn, only survive and survive well. Will I miss the place? It was only a brief experience on the continuum of my vertical climb to Unlimited Power.


New Cosair posts daily here.


grasshopper said...

It's a great script. I loved it. Send it to someone who can get it produced. And we'll laugh all night.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Funny as the hell to which we're going in a handbasket. Send it to Stewart or Colbert.