Saturday, September 18, 2004

Macauley Culkin: Cuff Him and Stuff Him!

If you don't already know, Mac, the little child star whose lips Michael Jackson had a distressing amount of interest in, Macauley Culkin has been arrested (link via Flyonthewall via Gawker)-- holy fuck! he's going to be the most popular "fresh fish" in the joint -- Home Alone being a particular rec room favorite activity among the incarcerated set ("The Incarceratti"). Note to Big Mac -- don't EVER accept a burger heated by a radiator, or "fruit cocktail sterno" fermented in the "lavatory"; and, dear sweet lord, don't EVER -- EVER accept "protection" from a larger, weightlifting afficionado who can, at will, recites lines from your movies, in exchange for "breaking him off a piece," once in a while.

You'll never get him off your back. Literally.

Actually, all told, Big Mac only spent two hours in the can before posting some $4,000 bail. He looks evil in his mugshot. Then again, as TheSmokingGun always tells us civilians, these "impromptu photo shoots" are never flattering. But Mac seems truly to have gone over to the dark side of the force in his mugshot, though.

Man, he's so fucked. Mac was arrested in Oklahoma City for possession of marijuana. Fuck. He might as well have killed the town mayor. Don't Okie's still have the firing squad? Don't Okie's consider Cheney a commie?

According to Reuters:

"According to the arrest report, an Oklahoma City police officer pulled over a car speeding along an interstate. Culkin was a passenger in the car driven by a man from New York.

"The officer asked Culkin and the driver to step out of the car after the driver, identified as Brett M. Tabisel, had given the officer permission to search the vehicle. The pair said they were driving from New York to Los Angeles, according to the report.

"A search of the car revealed the marijuana and controlled substances in plastic bags that included anti-depressants and sleeping pills, the report said. The officer said the two were cooperative with the search and quickly surrendered the drugs.

"Culkin's publicist, Michelle Bega, was not immediately available for comment."

I wouldn't be either. This is one of those moments where publicists really have to break out the creativity and sing for their supper. Here's what I wrote of Mac in May:

"How cool is Macaulay Culkin? The Culc is Kool and the Gang with The Corsair, even if he did have a rather dodgy relationship with Michael Jackson.

"But we'll just pretend that never happened. Like make believe. Check out this interview from Rolling Stone, June 10, 2004:

"'I have all the F.U.M that you could ask for,' Macaulay says. That's 'Fuck You Money.' Culkin's bank account amounts to an estimated $17 million. So, he emphasizes, his recent return to acting has not been for cash or fame -- he has a surplus of both. He had fully intended for his retirement to be permanent, after Richie Rich, in 1994, but realized that acting was fun and it came naturally to him. He likes the idea of making one good movie a year."

"... If somebody came to Culkin and told him they were thinking of taking their kid on auditions, would he recommend it? 'It creates a very odd dynamic if the kid starts getting paid more than you,' he says. 'In my case, it took a couple of years to get over being the family breadwinner. I was lucky. I was on the auditioning circuit for only about a year. But you see some jaded twelve year olds .."

And, from the looks of that mug shots, jaded older child actors as well, with way too much F. U. money.

1 comment:

Queenie said...

(slapping my hands on my face)