Grouphug USA


Grouphug.us? This site is so creepy. You just know it's frequented by kids who could be starring on "The OC" (Averted Gaze), it is the moist and musky "Id" of kids who subscribe to the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue, reeking of privilege and an aura of never-having-to-say-you're-sorry. And, of course, it has a sinister vibe like that "Faces of Death" video, or that E! Show about the papparazi -- you know, like, you've shouldn't be there looking at it -- it's wrong; it's not what civilized people do; your mommy and daddy would be mad at you; now you've got to take a shower to get "the skeevy" vibe off.

All these fucking little monsters -- mostly teenagers -- confessing to doing these ungodly weird convoluted things and, what's worse, having no remorse about it after the fact, that's what gets me; it kind of freaks me out that this is what Y-Generation is like, essentially -- that lack of books, the spurious education standards, the life of the mind gone horribly awry and regarded as inferior to making millions, and, finally, the prevalence of video games that have robbed these kids of any significant powers of concentration -- leaving us hyperactive amoral husks with ADD and a hankering for the repetitive infantile desire to skateboard back and forth ... back and forth.

Yoga is inconceiveable as a remedy for their condition, as they couldn't even sit still for 50 seconds, much less submit to such an effervescent routine.

Goddamn, I just sounded like a grumpy old man back there; something tells me I am going to be a cantankerous old man in 50 years.

And yet ... in overcoming the morbid conservative half of my Gemini nature, I have enough of a sense of Geminian lightness of being to see that this stuff is fucking comedic gold. Unintentionally hilarious, to be sure (Bagandan xylophones play in the background), but, for your amusement, I'm excavating some of these "Usheresque" confessions.

"my co-worker was arrested out of work yesterday......It was me who had the info stored on his computer.......yet no guilt.. "

And:

"i LOVE to go to the grocery store and take condoms and walk around until i find elderly couples and toss them in the cart when they are not looking. i have been doing this for 9 years.i love to buy condoms and squirt 1 squirt of lotion in them and toss them in public places. inside of library books, the back seats of friends' cars, and in dressing rooms.i am obsessed with condoms. but not for their intended use."

David Lynch was so right: America is a land of little Pabst Blue Ribbon sipping freaks-of-the-week! I'm going to be building an impenetrable underground bunker after I finish writing this blog. This is the generation that my generation is going to be taken care of by; this is the generation we look on to to carry the load of Social Security, people; invest in Microsoft, my friends, while we are still young and vital, cause these kids are raw and the future is a grim video gamelike post-nuclear winter scenario!

What's More:

"I'm going to put a knife through my brother's throat if he keeps waking me up for no reason. "

And:

"I have a soft spot for big black men. Well most some look like rapists.But anyways, I mean big black guys like Ruben Studdard. They look like big teddy bears, and I just want to hug them.NO I'm not interested in fucking them, just hugging them. My heart sorta melts when I see when, they're just adorable!! :) "

What the fuck?! Who are these freakshows? Does this little hungry-man's-Mischa-Barton think that black people are on this planet to amuse her?

But My favorite:

"I took my boat out to the lake over Labor day. I just wanted to fish and avoid the masses of people, so I found this cove tucked inside an island. It was like a lagoon or something. Anyway, I had my dog with me and she was running around and goofing off when I suddenly felt an immediate need to take a crap. I took my shirt off and pulled my trunks down. I then squatted on the sand and started to shit. Just then two guys on jet ski's come flying into the cove and see me there taking a crap on the beach. I could not do anything about it and they stopped and were laughing at me. For the rest of the day, they would zoom into the cove and fuck up the water with their waves and taunt me, just because I was performing a natural human function."

And, this one is a cautionary tale of life in Bush's America:

"I broke my arm on a Sunday playing football in a field behind my house. I was drunk and sprinting when I tripped on something and fell on my right arm. It hurt so bad I thought I would pass out. I got up, ran home, and considered my options. If I went to the hospital, there would be a huge co-pay plus 20% of the total bill would be out of my pocket. If this injury occurred at my work, there would be zero out of pocket expense plus all the time off needed to recuperate. I drove to work the next day using 1 arm, clocked in, and went to the restroom where I "tripped" on water I splashed on the floor. It worked. My cries caught the attention of the janitor who helped me up and called for his supervisor. I got a ride to the hospital from my boss and the sympathy from my entire department. Hey, when you have no money you do what you have to do, right?"

Anyway, check it all out here.