Saturday, February 11, 2006

The New Urban Tom Cruise, Part 2


We yearn for the days when Tom Cruise's career was a highly calculated enterprise. (image via

Pity Tom Cruise. Before he fired his agent and started to do really odd and irrationally exhuberant things, he was generally considered to be too "contrived," or "overly-calculating" in his Alpine ascent up the Hollywood food chain.

And he truly was. Ask any of the ex-wives he's traded in for successively younger models. Remember, dear reader, when Tom Cruise would have that pseudo 3 days' growth of beard that looked as if he had spent the hours previous at a salon in the process of its cultivation? Didn't you just want to bitchslap him robustly?

I know I did.

And so Tom moved gingerly to change that perception of coldblooded reptilian Hollywood calculation. The problem is, Tom is now at the equally repugnant opposite extreme. Instead of being perceived as overcalculated, Tom Cruise is a certifiable random variable. The freak-of-the-week, if you will. After firing his longtime agent (who must be secretly overjoyed), hiring his sister, scuffing up Oprie's couch (Averted Gaze), then -- blessedly -- rehiring someone professional to represent and protect him, we all at present consider TomKat somewhat dodgy.
Okay, amend that: Fucking zany.

Now, according to those intrepid Page Sixxies:

"COUCH-hopper Tom Cruise was spotted raising the roof without preggers fianc�e Katie Holmes at Kanye West's show at Avalon in L.A. the other night. An amused spywitness dishes: 'First, he raised his hands in approval when Kanye sang about the need for a prenup - good thing Katie wasn't there.' Cruise yelled out, 'Wow!' and 'un[bleep]ing believable.'"

Okay, we hereby rescind the sobriquet "urban" Tom Cruise. He's not even exurb with a corny flow like that. "Un fuckingbelievable" -- what is Tom Cruise: a Long Island contractor? And Kany West is willing to squander his social capital by recoring the Mi:3 movie theme for Cruise?

"Then he climbed onto a balcony using ropes to pull himself up to escape crowds . . . Kanye, oddly enough, rewarded his weirdo performance by giving him a shout-out from the stage."

(The Corsair sheepishly raises his hand) Question? What's with Tom Cruise and vigorous physical activity to express excitement? The couch jumping, now (Averted Gaze): the urban rapelling --just what, pray tell, is he trying to communicate through these aerial contortions in public?

That he's one weird fuck? Because we already get that ...

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