The Kevin Spacey Reality Show



(image via Premiere)

Our favorite Oscar winner who went on to do such klunkers as the hideously evil K-Pax and the godawful "Pay It Forward" (Averted Gaze) is now moving from the august confines of Shakespeare's Globe Theater to the ... reality tv ghetto. Charmed, I'm sure. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment) The ghastly bad "Beyond the Sea" will be duly forgotten. According to that significant cultural artifact The National Enquirer:

"Kevin Spacey has been tapped as host and mentor of a new reality series on TLC entitled 'Going Hollywood.' The eight episode series will premiere this fall. In the series, Spacey will show some showbiz interns how to make it in Hollywood."

We're so there, Kevy. In fact, we can imagine what it would be like. For example, if an earnest young intern asked how he could drum up buzz for his latest project, Kevin Spacey might counsel him or her to troll around London Parks at 4:30 AM to "walk your dog" (wink, wink). Then, after being mugged, concoct a bizarre story about being conned into handing over your mobile phone to some young, strapping, no doubt "mussular" British thug who gives "some sob story about somebody needing to call their mother and could they use my phone." (Averted Gaze) At 4:30 AM?! Whatever.

Apologize profusely and just watch the press knock themselves over in the ensuing frenzy.

We're so there, Kevy.

Aside. A Little Story A Propos of Nothing in particular: My old High School friend, Vladimir N, who was going out with this French girl, Caleroy. Cal's parents were racist and couldn't stand the fact that her French Upper Class daughter was dating this ... Haitian ... musician!! Quelle horreur! The fact that Haiti used to be a colony of France only strengthened Mother's resolve.

Knowing that Caleroy was sexually naive Mother used this to her advantage. So, Calleroy's mother -- and I would not fucking make this us to you, guys -- told her that she shouldn't see Vladimir because ... black people have tails!

This Noble Lie backfired, however, as our Caleroy became more and more curious as to what a black tail looked like. Human curiosity to the rescue! Vladimir gladly showed her the error of her mother's report, and, I suppose, in the process, Calleroy saw something she liked during the demonstration, and, well, let's just say her mother's worst nightmare was made real.

Very, very real, if, in fact, Vladimir's morning after testimony was accurate and not lagniappe. Who would have known that the French people could be such freaks? I don't know why I remembered that just now or why I am putting it along with a Kevin Spacey post ... but, in the end, Vladimir did get his tail after all -- so to speak.