Golden Globe Parties: Bonfire of the Vanities

One would think that this was the 16th century, or early 18th century South Carolina, what, with all the reverberations of bitchslappage -- real and apparent (The Corsair ducks). How very Zell Miller! Were these "percussive incidents" preceded by the customary, "You, suh, are a swine," and, immediately proceded by the obligatory, "Ah demand satisfaction!"

Sweet! Were the auncient pistols held fast by their ICM agents, their "seconds"? According to those glorious Page Sixxies: "Star Jones Reynolds and Melissa and Joan Rivers ignored each other on the red carpet as they broadcast for rival channels. The air was icy, witnesses said. But Star and Joan later posed together for photos where Joan was 'mock bitch-slapping Star.'"

Icy hott; but then, Joan always found difficulty in the supression of subconscious desires, like, say, a rich WASP banker with a bad ticker ... And:

".. Mischa Barton and Brandon Davis had a lovers' quarrel at the InStyle/Warner Bros. party, which ended when 'Mischa slapped Brandon,' a partygoer said. The temperamental twosome made up and left together shortly thereafter."

-- Neither having the long term memory required to remember a few minutes previous. Mischa and Brandon, innocent waifs they, most probably live in a spasmodic loop, some cosmic joke, Memento-stylee, in which, every ten minutes, without fail, their raw memory reciprocally fails them, and, wide-eyed innocent tabula rasas with impeccable hair that they are, they find themselves rediscovering each others' childlike beauty ...

SBSun reports, "Everyone, including Mick Jagger and his date, stylist L'Wren Scott, posed with cute Colombian coffee maker Juan Valdez at the Miramax party held at Trader Vic's."
And why not? Mick has had more "South American, uhm, exports" than Starbucks; Mick has done more for the South American population growth than the recent rise in the South American economy.

The Filipino Inquirer said (because Inquiring minds want to know), "Raquel Welch, still va-va-voom after all these years, playfully caressed her breasts for the cameras. She said she hasn't tired of awards shows one bit. She also gamely showed off her bling-blings."

And, Honorary African-American Roger Friedman of Fox 411 reports:

"According to my sources, several members of the odd Hollywood Foreign Press Association were convinced that someone else had won Best Actor in a Drama. In fact, I am told that Don Cheadle from 'Hotel Rwanda' was the straw poll winner across the board on many HFPA lists.
One member confirmed for me, 'The voting was very close, the closest its been ever. And yes Don Cheadle was second by not much.'

"Some other members actually thought Cheadle had won, which would have made an interesting breakthrough situation given that another African-American, Jamie Foxx, won Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy. I can tell you that such a thing almost happened. This may mean that Cheadle has picked up a lot of support in the Hollywood community, making him a probable Oscar nominee along with Foxx, DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, and likely fifth choice Javier Bardem of 'The Sea Inside.'"

And, free Corsair advice: Jamie Foxx, who told everyone in shouting distance that he wants to play Mike Tyson next, might want to keep that on the DL until negotiations for the rights are done. It's a lot easier to negotiate a reasonable deal from a bankrupt spendaholic dude if you are not bragging how much you want those rights.

USA Today reports, "Fans who perched in the lobby bar Sunday night were treated to a primo photo op: Ellen DeGeneres posing hand-in-hand with Arrested Development's Portia de Rossi. After being turned away from the Warner Bros/ InStyle party by fire marshals, the pair decided to make it an early night at 9:30. "

NYTimes Boldface Names reports, "The only personal security guard we saw all evening was next to NATALIE PORTMAN, and given that pole-dance scene in 'Closer,' we understand."

We don't. What's with the "'Lil cunt's" paranoia about security? Sure, Lloyd Grove reports that "Mick" had security, but he's Mick, and we have sympathy for the Devil. Natalie has no excuse. Remember the Page Six report last summer? It went a little something like this:

"... someone inside Natalie Portman's summer hideaway has made several calls summoning the police to check out alleged stalkers.

" ... Two cop cars showed up to interrogate the man who'd been sitting on a curb, reading a book and drinking a cup of tea. "But the suspected 'stalker' turned out to be 21-year-old Antwone LeGarde - a French-born college student staying with his girlfriend's family down the street. LeGarde had never even heard of the 23-year-old 'Star Wars' actress.

"LeGarde says, 'I was sitting on the sidewalk, reading The Alchemist, and apparently it was near the corner of her house. The police show up and they asked me for my ID and ran a check in their car. I asked, Is it a crime to read a book now?'"



Crazy. And Boldface also writes: "We, being much more socially skilled, asked the lovely DREA DE MATTEO, who was wearing pale blue jeans and a brightly colored shirt, how her boutique in Lower Manhattan was doing. "She looked sullen. 'It's closed,' she said. 'My EX-BOYFRIEND and his GIRLFRIEND may open up a store here.'"

Scratched cornea, Showtime won't return your calls, store closes ... you're a mess, Drea, but we still love ya.

Finally, what's up with Johnny Depp's accent? It's freaking me out; it's harshing on my mellow.

Could someone tell me what's up? It sounds like the Kentucky-born actor is trying to do an Irish accent. Do people in Owensboro have brogues? How come The Corsair never noticed this on "21 Jump Stret"? Is it residual method acting detrius from "Finding Neverland"? Why hasn't anyone but me noticed this? Are we supposed to keep quiet until it melts away?