Friday, January 07, 2005

Richard Gere: Shut the Fuck Up, Dude

An open letter to Richard Gere:

My friend. (An artful pause) How cool were you in Officer and a Gentleman, as the "taciturn" Zack Mayo, when you sucker-punched Sgt. Foley (played so ably by Louis Grossett, Jr ... thank you, thank you) before of course, he kicked you in the nuts-- that was hott; seriously, there you were at the top of your game. But now (The Corsair lights up a Macanudo Robust Baron de Rothschild, appears concerned, continues) ... you are in serious danger of becoming just another show business cliche (The Corsair puffs ...).

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At what point (The Corsair rolls up his sleeves) in time (The Corsair tosses Macanudo) did your over-inflated Hollywood ego (The Corsair empties the contents of his gin fizz in Gere's face, figuratively) suggest that you were a big enough player in the Middle East peace process to galvanize voter turnout in the labyrinthine Palestinian elections to replace Yasser Arafat? Huh? Is a little bitchslapping in order here? Must The Corsair unleash his pimp hand?

(The Corsair cools like a North Atlantic breeze)

You are sure to get one on Sunday's Talking Head Shows, buddy; ratings challenged-George Stephanopoulos will not be as restrained as The Corsair is being here.

What were you thinking? We missed your fucking last exchange with Walter Russell Meade in the letters section of Foreign Affairs.

You are a good looking man, always have been, and so we're guessing that you probably have had most things granted to you, even before the fame. You're spoiled. Naive about the ways of the world. Stardom, great roles, some not so great roles, supermodels, face time with the Dalai Lama, success at the minor art of photography -- all came easily and without overeffort on your part; your life was somewhat privileged, at least, more privileged than most, not unlike Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, your idol.

Richard, listen to me -- you: Are: Not: The: Buddha. Take a chill pill here.

In your tv spot, sponsored by the grassroots Israeli-Palestinian peace lobby One Voice, you actually say, by way of introduction:

"Hi, I'm Richard Gere and I'm speaking for the entire world."

The entire world. A considerable pause. (The Corsair does a shot of Grappa) We refer "Buddhist" Richard Gere to the Eightfold path of Buddhism, note "Right Activity, " ... In addition to the will to succeed is the knowledge of where we are on our spiritual journey - we should not attempt to complete stages for which we are not prepared."

Richard Gere -- you are not prepared to galvanize the Palestinian vote. Your ego has led you into behaving like an ass ..

"We're with you during this election time. It's really important. Get out and vote,' Gere said in the advertisement. He repeated the final phrase in Arabic."

ABC.com says:

"'I don't even know who the candidates are other than Mahmoud Abbas, let alone this Gere,' Gaza soap factory worker Manar An Najar told Reuters.

"'We don't need the Americans' intervention.'"





6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant take on Richard Gere who, like, played King David once. Probably not the go-to guy for Palestinian liaison.

Thanks.

J.D. Smith
smitros@yahoo.com

Bubbles, Ink. said...

He's lost his feckin' mind, Gere has.

coppertone said...

firmly agree. its reported the mideast doesnt even know who he is. hah hah!

Anonymous said...

Time to start up those gerbil rumours again.

- Aaron aka 1000 Words and More

great post!

Anonymous said...

He is , like, so fucking annoying. And he has absolutely no clue how trite he's become. On par with Madonna and her red string.

Anonymous said...

Great post, thank you