Media Whore D'Oeuvres

(Due to a deadline for a writing assignment, The Corsair will be back tomorrow. Below are some media tasty whore d'oeurves to tide you over. Cheers, guys)

-- This morning, broken, former Screw Magazine pornographer Al Goldstein (Eew) whines to leathery bigoted pseudocowboy Don Imus about how his Harvard Law grad son and "90 percent" of his "friends" in the porn industry have "turned their back" on him. Those backs are no doubt Yeti-like hairy and probably quite pockmarked. Charmed, we're sure. (MSNBC)

-- Resolved: Nature abhors a vacuum. Through the laws of reciprocal maintenance, which govern this earthly veil of tears, Brad Pitt has been released back into the NY-LA nexus dating pool once again, to compensate for the impending nuptials and ancillary loss of New Yorkish Eurogod, Jude Law. The equation of nature is arighted; equilibrium has been achieved. Reptilian Conde Nast editrixes are sipping fizzy non-fattening white wine drinks in pagan celebration of this Bradilicious development. (Gawker)

-- The New York Times "How-Young-People-Par-Tay" Correspondent, Benoit Denizet-Lewis -- whose name sounds vaguely French (Averted Gaze) -- taps a kegger and hoists some "cold adult beverages" with something called the Phi Delta's (Averted Gaze), reliving the "glory days" (Averted Gaze) at Northwestern in the 90s (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detatchment). Somehow this makes the cover of the NYTimes Sunday Magazine. Fuck if we know how. The Corsair doesn't know whether to be impressed at the moxy and scale of Benoit's nifty little hustle or be thoroughly disgusted. (NYT Mag)

-- The "St.GrottleSex" East Coast elite private boarding school circuit is about to get "freshly fucked" with the torrid telemovie treatment (The Corsair drinks a smashing bloody Mary in his khaki's to celebrate that fact). Meredith Baxter as harridan Latin teacher? Nancy McKeon as the affable school nurse? 'We are not trashing the boarding schools like Hotchkiss, St. Paul's and Andover,' (Taylor) Materne tells PAGE SIX, 'We are just giving an honest portrayal.' Yeah, well, the tasteful dorm sodomy montage has great production value when interspersed artfully with spectacular Autumnal New England field hockey scenes. Class will tell (Averted Gaze) ... (Page Six)

-- The Joey Fatone Media "pimpslappage" (TM) continues apace, as that significant cultural artifact, The National Enquirer ("because Enquiring minds want to know ..") relates -- mirabile dictu -- "First Nick, now Joey! Porn star Jessica Jaymes has a huge appetite for members of boy bands.The red-hot brunette got Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees into hot water with his wife Jessica Simpson, as The ENQUIRER previously revealed, when she put on a steamy X-rated girl-on-girl show during a bachelor party for Nick's longtime soundman. Now comes word that the 25- year-old porn queen got cozy with *NSYNCer Joey Fatone in Las Vegas last January -- just six months after he'd gotten engaged to his high school sweetheart Kelly Baldwin!" Heaven forfend! (Nattie Enq)

-- Vampiric Upper East Side Masters of the Universe celebrate the opening of a new YMCA, according to our favorite social chronicler since Wharton and James, the swellegant David Patrick Columbia, "Grosvenor Neighborhood House Y held its 31st annual holiday gala honoring Davis Polk & Wardwell and The Junior League of the City of New York. Lynn Alexander Morris and Ellen Rose served as the Gala Cochairs.

"Grosvenor Neighborhood House Y provides a safe haven for children and families who live on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. This operating center of the West Side YMCA (located at 176 West 105th Street) promotes positive values through programs that build spirit, mind and body, welcoming all people, with a focus on youth." And -- by fiat -- as if by chance, a fresh, year-round supply of the yummy distilled blood of underprivileged virgin youth has been achieved for the Masters of the Universe(TM)'s evening cocktails! Quid pro quo! Veni! Vidi! Vincit! C'est tout! (NYSocialDiary)

-- What's the frequency, Kenneth? "Myopic zeal," quoth former Bush Sr. Attorney General Dick Thornburgh, as 4 ozone layer busting, well-hairsprayed heads roll at Black Rock. MSNBC says, "CBS News has fired four employees, including three executives, for their roles in the broadcast of a disputed story about President Bush�s service in the National Guard, the network reported Monday." (MSNBC)

-- Social metaphysicist and Fox 411 columnist Roger Friedman hips us media-unsavvy squares as to how Brad and Jen could have fallen apart, how the center could not hold, "I will add, semi-seriously, that movie and TV folk don't necessarily mix. You cannot have two mega-personalities in a relationship where both are needy, egotistical, insecure and dependent on public approbation. One of them would have to be subservient to the other, and in this case, it wasn't going to happen. It's rare when two actors can handle seesawing success in this high-stakes game." Ah, the old Hegel Master-Slave dialectic at play, we catch your drift, Raj; Why didn't we think of bringing Phenomenology of the Spirit into this fuckage? (Fox 411)

--Armstrong Williams, taking care of bidness. From his live chat online with the Washington Post today, "Tucson, Ariz.: 'Why don't you give back the money, and regain your credibility and integrity'? Armstrong Williams: 'Giving back the money is not about regaining my credibility and integrity. I am a businessman.'"

Okay, cheesecake!

See The Corsair live, January 25th here. We are very nervous!