Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The State of the Union Drinking Game

We expect to see a "kinder, gentler" SOTU Adress tonight. There will be no spinning of the "axis of evil," or, for that matter generous heapings of "yellow cake," but you can expect loving closeups of Martha-Ann Alito, and, no doubt, quick breakaways to Ted Kennedy's barely concealed looks of contempt. (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)

When Potus ascends the dais to deliver the State of the Union flanked by the Vice President and Speaker of the House, you should have your "adult beverage" firmly in hand. What else can one do but hoist a tall glass of the fiery spirits in these days of soaring energy prices, unending war and -- lest we forget -- Congressional corruption? There are other Drinking Games, of course (Averted Gaze), but we invite you to try ours in all its studied wantonness:

Half Shot:
--The word "Freedom" is mentioned.

One drink in the event of:
--Tight closeup on Mrs. Alito, sitting next to the First Lady
--The President Mentions "Health Care," or "Seniors"
--The President mentions "Illegal Immigration"
--Both Chambers of Congress erupt into applause, interrupting the flow of rhetoric
--Mention of the heroism of Ariel Sharon

Two Drinks If:
--Mention of Historic Palestinian election
--Menion of New Orleans
--Appeals the the people of Iran (as opposed to Abudinejad)

Pound it if:
--The President congratulates Justice Alito

If you follow the rules then, if god is on your side, you will be blessedly unconscious by the time Governor Kaine of Virginia delivers the Democratic response. It is sure to be a magnum of chloroform.

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