Tuesday, January 03, 2006

2005 Predictions


(image via lott.senat.gov)

Trent Lott will Machiavel his way to become Senate Majority Leader (Beating out "Sure Thing" Mitch McConnell), launching a thousand "Comeback Kid" profiles. In his new, "kinder, gentler" reincarnation, he will bring in millions in pork dollars to help low income African-American causes in his home state of Mississippi and the rest of the US.


Mike Tyson begins a profitable career in porn.


(image via webfantasy)

Parker Posey will absolutely fucking steal the Superman Returns movie, becoming the breakout star of 2006.

Les Moonves will actively court George Clooney to replace Bob Schieffer on the Evening News. Clooney, flattered, will avoid speculation, but ultimately turn down the offer (After Cronkite pipes in), leaving Katie Couric with the job.

Playboy.com "iBod" porn downloads will become incredibly profitable -- .99 a pop?-- sending Playboy shares and "Vivid Video" into the stratosphere .

Extreme Fighting shorts will also storm young male 18-34 iPods. Late in the year, Congressional Republicans and Democrats -- led by Joe Lieberman and Hillary and McCain -- will move to regulate the bloodsport, prompting organizations to move overseas to Russia and Central Asia(The lands of Genghis Khan); where they will be embraced by Russian Video-on-Demand's thirst for bloodsport.

Warren Beatty will run for Governor of California and West Wing producer and former Daniel Patrick Moynihan aide Lawrence O'Donnell and former Colorado Governor Gary Hart will play major roles as advisors.

Democrats will miraculously win control of the House of Representatives, making the already insufferable Rahm Emmanuel the "It" boy of the Democratic Party.

As the studios recalibrate themselves as purveyors of spectacular "event films" a la Narnia/LOTR -- Pixar Animations, surprisingly, will yield increasing clout (Also, beyond Hollywood in the spheres of iPod animated shorts and mobile phone gaming).


(image via outsidethebeltway)

Sexy coppertop Ana Marie Cox will be the "Reliable Source" columnist for the Washington Post.

Mississippi Governor Haley Barbor will emerge as the evangelical alternative to John McCain in the Republican Party.

Arianna Huffington will get her own prime time cable talk show.

Vaughn Ververs' CBS Eye Blog will garner major media kudos and a Dupont Award.

Rob Lowe's Sam Seborn character -- a one term California Congressman -- will run on the Santos Ticket on "The West Wing." Future lot lines will focus around Santos' increasing jealousy over Lowe's fawning press coverage ("Golden Boy" "People's Sexiest Politician")

One time losers AJ Discalia, Nick Lachey and Jonathan Scaech will form the "Hollywood First Husbands Club," an updated version of Leo DiCaprio's late 90s social phenomenon "The Pussy Posse."

Hilary Clinton and John Kerry will decline to run for President late in the year. John McCain will announce his candidacy around Thanksgiving.

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