Matt Damon Wants to be The Sexiest Man Alive
Pity Matt Damon, has has far more than we will ever have, so, well, so much the better to get our shadenfreude on. Let's lay waste to his pampered ass!
Damon has an Oscar. He is the star of a hit movie franchise. His Boston Red Sox won the World Series. He is rich. He had dated Winona Rider and Penelope Cruz. One could go on and on for ages about the advantages of being Matt Damon.
But, alas, for, like, the 20,000th year in a row, he has actively campaigned for and brutally lost People Magazine's sexiest Man Alive "honors." (A controlled belly-laugh, followed by a small closing cough of feigned detachment). They are fucking with you Matt Damon. One can almost hear the People Magazine staffers reveling in the power they have over you. It's like Psy ops, dude.
The fact that Matt Damon takes seriously a contest that even housewives in suburban Kentucky do not take seriously is simultaneously touching and revolting.
According to Ananova:
"Brad Pitt is secretly coaching Matt Damon to become the Sexiest Man Alive.
"The Bourne Identity star lost out to Jude Law on this year's People magazine list."
That he lost to Law has got to hurt considering: a) an overconfident prick like Jude Law would never do something as louche as actively campaign for the "title," and b) Jude Law played, in The Talented Mr. Ripley, a man who Matt Damon secretly worshipped.
Life imitates Art.
"Pitt, a previous winner, is convinced his pal is quietly upset that he didn't make the cover of the annual magazine - but he's launching a campaign to get Damon on top in 2005 reports Femalefirst.
"He said: 'I think Matt was shaken by it. He campaigned hard; he put up a good fight. The kid really tried his best and I think it was toughest on him.
"'I think if he sticks with it and he keeps applying himself like he has been this year, I think we'll see some greatness from him next year.'"
"He added: 'George Clooney and I have started a class as former Sexiest Men Alive. We're working with the young 'uns.
The Corsair ordinarily wouldn't believe it, but this story has been going around for years now. Matt Damon actually dreams of being People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It must be some childhood thing. He covets that crock of shit title. Really and truly.
"'Jude was at the top of his class immediately. It was obvious to us that he was a natural. But we have great hopes for Mattie that he'll get there.'"
Fresh, new content (November 15,2007): here