A Little of The Old In and Out



Above: Trimspa, baby!

In: Painkillers. One of the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism is that Life is Suffering. Life is suffering insofar as a healthy body can get sick and die, our thoughts cannot be sustained, and sensations, emotions and consciousness are all impermanent. Yo, that's fucked up, yo, la condition humaine and shit. So (The Corsair throws up his hands in bewilderment) -- how does one cope with the existential drama?

According to that significant cultural artifact, The Star:

"Anna Nicole Smith's bizarre behavior at the the American Music Awards on Nov. 14 can be explained by her recent return to painkillers, says a source close to Smith. 'She never goes anywhere without a little purse she calls her magic bag,' the source reveals. 'She takes her happy pills-- and the result is just what America saw on television that night.'

"Smith, 36, certainly seemed disoriented at the AMAs. 'Like my body?' she slurred, running a finger along her cleavage and raising her hands in the air. The once-buxom blonde then blundered her introduction for rapper Kanye West, barely able to say his name before the band cut her off. 'She didn't smell of alcohol, so no one knew what was causing her to act the way she was,' a show insider told Star. 'Before she went onstage, she was rolling on the floor and slurring her words. When she came backstage again, she started mumbling incoherently about her obsession with Marilyn Monroe.'"

Out: Britney Spears and Kevy Federline. Do you remember your first "serious" romance in High School? Every moment seemed like a drama worthy of Shakespeare. No one else mattered, it was so like The Blue Lagoon (the first R-rated movie your parents let you watch), only your partner looked nothing like Brooke Shields' Emmilene or Christopher Atkins's Richard. That, and there are no drums beating from the forbidden side of the mountain.

Doesn't that thankfully long past spell of adolescence remind you -- eerily -- of this? (courtesy of The National Enquirer):

"From the moment (Britney) fell in love with Kevin, she wanted to have his baby (Editorial interjection: Eew). But Kevin told Britney he was reluctant to start a family immediately. He already had two children and his son was just born in July.

"Afraid of how Kevin might react, Britney kept (her pregnancy) a secret from him. She was bursting to tell him but she waited until just the right moment, in just the right setting, to let him in on her secret.' "

"Settled in on the romantic island of Fiji, the 22-year-old star finally told Kevin, 26, that he was going to be a dad again, said a source."

15 - Love: Federline.

" ... After their return from Fiji, Britney and Kevin also had their first big argument--a jealous spat about each other's former loves.

"Kevin's ex Shar Jackson, the mother of his two children, kept calling Kevin after the wedding -- even while he and Britney were on their honeymoon in Fiji, said the source.

"'It really got under Britney's skin. Shar used the excuse of wanting to talk with Kevin about their kids, even wanting Kevin to talk to their baby on the phone.

"'Britney told Kevin, Why are you talking to the baby? The baby can't talk over the phone!'"

Tenez! Deuce: Spears.

"When Britney gave Kevin a hard time about Shar, it set off Kevin--who had been harboring feelings of jealousy over Britney's ex-love Justin Timberlake, the source told The ENQUIRER.

"'Just before the wedding, Kevin was moving Britney's things to their new home when he found a box of old love letters from Justin. He confronted Britney. She said she would throw them away. But when the couple returned from their honeymoon, Kevin found the box of letters hidden in a closet!'"

30 - Love: Federline.

"An insider revealed: 'Kevin was really angry, and they had their first newlywed argument in front of their friends.

"'Soon they began screaming at each other.

Alright, kids, breakitup; breakitup!

"'Britney swears that her reason for keeping the letters is innocent and that she now considers Justin just a friend. And a few days after the argument, Britney told Kevin that Justin's letters were gone for good. She had disposed of them.'"

Tune in Next Week: Where Kevy shouts at an hysterically crying Britney 'cause she ate the last Little Debbie snack cake. Britney gets cold comfort by putting out an unfiltered Kool out in his Carvel Cookie Puss.

In: Naomi Campbell. No, she didn't do anything extraordinary (except wake up in the morning), we just like a girl who knows her limitations, as, according to British Vogue, she does:

"NAOMI CAMPBELL has disappointed her fans by rubbishing rumours that she is planning to relaunch her singing career. Stories emerged last month that the London-born supermodel had called upon Simon Cowell to help her take another shot at pop fame, despite the dismal sales of her 1994 album, Baby Woman. 'I cannot sing,' she told reporters this week. 'I think I've proved that.'"

Out: Sean Connery's Naughty Wee Bits (Editorial interjection: Eew). According to The Dish:



"Images of a young Sir Sean Connery's modelling semi-nude will soon go under the hammer in London.

"The Scottish actor, 74, posed in a thong (Editorial interjection: Eew) for life classes at Edinburgh Art College in the 1950s before he found success as James Bond.

"The pictures will go on sale for between $1,440 and $2,160 at auction house Christie's and a spokesperson says, 'We've had a lot of interest already.'"

In: New York Times Editorial. As we predicted (The Corsair rubs his hands together menacingly ... everything is proceeding according to plan, the center is the hottest piece of intellectual real estate in the American political arena. The question mark was whether or not the party which turned "Dashle" from the Senate Minority Leader into a verb ("poof!") would engage in the complex diplomatic dance necessary to hold the moderates, or just steamroll over them, to the delight of their base.

The answer comes in the form of a New York Times editorial. Republican moderates are being rolled, notes the NYTimes, which suggests that Rove is not willing to play compromise :

"(Senate Majority Leader) Bill Frist ... has engineered a rules change designed to cow the few Republican moderates who may still be willing to nip back at demands for party fealty.

"The rule undercuts members' independence by giving Dr. Frist the power to fill the first two vacancies on all committees. This hobbles seniority, which has been the traditional path to power. The leader now has a cudgel for shaping the 'world's greatest deliberative body' into a chorus line.

"Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine, chronic Republican maverick, got to the heart of the matter in skewering her leader's accomplishment: 'There is only one reason for that change, and it is to punish people.'

"Toadying, of course, would avoid punishment. (Senator Arlen Specter's flirtation with independence already seems shaken by anti-abortion zealots.) Yet in a perverse way, this hubris by the Senate's more potent conservative bloc compounds the value of any dissent. The rule may even brace moderates to stand faster against extreme G.O.P. initiatives. "

Just as The Corsair predicted, a Moderate-Democrat alliance. Bonus question: On whose side will John McCain be, he who is all but certainly running for President in 2008, against a possible Rove backed Frist-Jeb Bush ticket.

Out: Dustin Hoffman. Ananova writes:

"Dustin Hoffman has admitted he was hooked on having sex in public places.

"The double Oscar-winner even made love in the DJ booth of a nightclub while revellers danced just feet away."

Like (rolling eyes at the naivite) ... who didn't? (The Corsair smokes a Camel filtered cigarette lustily and blows smoke in the air)

"... I met a couple of girls in bed more than once, and I had sex in public places - like the Studio 54 club in New York."

"Hoffman told the US edition of GQ magazine he quit cocaine because he was allergic to it.

"He said: 'I couldn't breathe for weeks afterwards.'"

The suction caused by a shnoz the size of Dustin Hoffman must have generated massive uplift.

In: Hey, Teacher, leave Those Kids Alone!

Out: John Kerry. Note to John Kerry, follow Al Gore's lead -- you get one shot and that's it, because according to TheHill:

"Many Democratic lawmakers are interpreting Sen. John Kerry?s active participation in selecting the next chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC) as the strongest signal yet that the defeated presidential candidate is keeping his options open for a bid in 2008.

"Last week, Kerry contacted nearly every elected member of the House Democratic leadership, and other powerful lawmakers, on behalf of Gov. Tom Vilsack of Iowa. On Monday, Vilsack issued a statement that he was no longer pursuing the chairmanship.

"But Kerry?s aggressive support of Vilsack has convinced many key House Democrats that Kerry wants to install a chairman who would be in Kerry?s debt and would not attempt to dissuade the Massachusetts senator from seeking the highest office again."

It's over Kerry ... it's over.