A Little of the Old In and Out



Above: Hey you, yeah, you -- c'mere: aren't you lactating?

In: Kirstie Alley, "Born Again Virgin". Oh, how the mighty have fallen (Averted Gaze). Alley used to regale us on Emmy broadcasts with lurid tales of the sordid love she got from her Baywatch himbo, that perennially sweaty slab of beef, Parker Stevenson, --her then-boytoy -- who, she told us captive Emmy viewers, gave her "the Big One." (Eew)

(The Corsair recovers quickly) According to that significant cultural artifact, the National Enquirer, Kirstie Alley's Big One's have come fewer -- excuse the pun -- and farther between:

"Turns out Kirstie Alley has been on a strict diet for the past 4-and-a-half years--the No-Sex Diet!

"'I think I've become a born again virgin!' the plus-size star candidly said during an interview.

"'I've been celibate for 4 and-a-half years.'

"'I know what I look like and I can't see some guy's eyes going: Oh my God!' she said. 'I have seen myself naked. I had this sort of cathartic experience. I crumbled."

Actually, Kirstie (The Corsair pulls out a cigarette and begins to dish), some guys are really into it, not The Corsair particularly (The Corsair likes his women like he likes his truffles; The Corsair likes his women like he likes his eggs), but some guys are not averse to issuing out "private portions" to big beautiful women.

Out: Jay Z. He's got 99 problems and Beyonce's dad may be one, according to the 3AM Girls:

"Sexy singer Beyonce and rapper boyfriend Jay-Z may be Crazy In Love with each other but her daddy is less than impressed.

"Matthew Knowles, who manages the best R'n'B nominee, doesn't like his 23-year-old girl dating a guy of 34 who dealt drugs before finding fame.

"'I don't care for him at all,' says Mr K. 'No I'm not close to him. He is not somebody I like to spend time with.'"

The Corsair can commiserate. Nothing good can become of a relationship with a man who eats sweet chicken nuggets (made with Cap'n Crunch).

In: The City Meals on Wheels Luncheon. All snark aside, David Patrick Columbia writes today of the honorable City Meals on Wheels luncheon, attended by luminaries like Bruce Wasserstein of New York Magazine and Ed Lewis, Chairman and CEO, Essence Communications, who did the right thing:

"They raised $857,000 at the Power Lunch. That?s 171,500 meals. But at a need of more than 2 million meals a year, they?ve got a long way to go. Your help can make an extraordinary difference. Donations in any amount help to bring your elderly neighbors the nutritious meals they need."

Noble, guys.

Out: David Gest, Freak. As if it isn't bad enough that Liza Minnelli kicked his botoxified ass to kingdom come, shattered it like Lalique crystal really, My beloved Page Sixers sentence David Gest to the Z-List; hilarity ensues:

"LIZA Minnelli's creepy ex-husband, David Gest, has surfaced in Memphis ? with a host of Z-listers to spread the holiday cheer. 'David Gest's All-Star Holiday Extravaganza' boasts such talents as Lou Rawls, Dionne Warwick, Deborah Cox, Petula Clark, Gloria Gaynor, Jerry Butler, Israel's "Legendary" Topol, astronaut Dr. Buzz Aldrin and several names we didn't recognize. The invitation to the Dec. 6 concert features Gest's surgically enhanced, grinning face and excitedly promises: 'This is just the beginning!'"

Oh no, David Gest, Memphis All Star Extravaganza's (whatever that means) most certainly signal "the end."

In: The Mega Millionaire, "From 78 Cents to 88 Million Dollars". According to TheSmokingGun, someone better kiss their lucky stars:

"Last Friday afternoon, a bankruptcy court trustee reported that Juan Gonzalez was broke and unable to pay a dime to any of his creditors, to whom the New York man owed a total of nearly $45,000. Hours later, the 49-year-old parking lot attendant, whose savings account contained 78 cents, became America's latest megamillionaire, winning a $149 million lottery jackpot. Last month, Rodriguez filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection, listing a variety of credit card debts and a small Internal Revenue service lien, according to the below federal court records. Rodriguez, who earns about $30,000 annually and has worked 20 years for a garage company, also had $50 on hand in addition to his paltry bank account (he has opted for a lump-sum payment of $88 million in Mega Millions cash)."

Gotta be a Sagittarius. Those cats are lucky.