A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Michael Jackson Shadenfreude. When The Corsair was a young pirate, sometimes, when the other ambassador's children at the UN School were mean to him, didn't quite understand his scathing wit borne of frequent travels due to his dad's diplomatic postings, he would tell his favorite driver, Tony, who shuttled him to and back from school, all Little Lord Fauntleroyishly, to put Michael Jackson's "Ben" on the car radio.

Michael Jackson spoke to The Corsair's young, arrogant diplobratic angst; Michael Jackson was the eternal manchilde. Never mind that Ben was written about a rat. That's beside the point. The Moon Walker was my friend on the radio on the lonely highway of priviliged childhood.

Not anymore, quoth that significant cultural artifact, The National Enquirer:

"'It really can't get any bleaker for Michael Jackson,' a close source told The ENQUIRER.

"(former Porn porducer Marc Shaffel) was a key guy Michael was counting on. He was supposed to be one of his main defense witnesses--and was supposed to say he saw no wrongdoing by Michael.

"'Now Schaffel is putting out word he's going to reveal sensational details in the tell-all book.

"'After all, he was there when the boy at the center of the case was regularly at Michael's Neverland ranch.

"'Marc came in contact with the boy and his mother. He may have even been involved in some of the secret videos Michael supposedly made when they questioned the boy about his relationship with Jackson.

"'Every day now, it seems Michael's world caves in a little more.'"

And so does his nose.

Out: Kimora Lee Simmons. How tacky is Kimora Lee Simmons? Let us count the ways for they are legion ... Yesterday, according to Fashionweekdaily, of our favorite turkey-necked materialist:

"Sources tell The Daily that a bomb threat was called into the set of Life & Style this morning at around 10:45�15 minutes before taping was scheduled to begin. A man phoned, saying, 'There's a bomb on the set,' and hung up.

"The entire studio was evacuated, dogs were sent in and the place was swept. Nothing was found and the staff was let back in at around 2:30 pm.

"After being evacuated, Kimora had her makeup done on a bench at a nearby park and then went to Red Lobster with her wardrobe, hair and makeup team."

We'll get to the relative louchness of a millionairess taking her wardrobe, hair and makeup team for a yummy treat of "fast food lobster" in a minute. In the meantime, lets just linger for a moment on this alleged bomb threat. I mean, have you ever seen the Life & Style tv show? We're talking major stinker, someone call the Bomb Squad! Shnell!

In: Karl Rove. Love him or hate him, the man may -- 500 years looking backwards -- have as much influence on American Christianity as Brigham Young. Since the fall of the Soviet Union, fixers have grown in prominence, mostly because we are the last standing superpower. The three Great Fixers of post Glasnost are, in order of their appearance in the arena, James Carville, Dick Morris and Karl Rove.

Rove is, of the three, most successful. Morris' politics arise out of a love of the Game, Carville's as an homage to his mother, a hard working Cajun nurse who managed to raise a decent man concerned about the nation's poor. Karl Rove's politics comes from his religious belief, and, perhaps, in the end, that emotional tie is stronger than Morris' inherent love of the Machiavellian and Carville's rememberance of his mother's sacrifices.

Out: Geri Halliwell's Doggie Poo. According to the 3AM Girls:

"Just when we thought auction website eBay had scraped the bottom of the barrel, it sinks even lower.

"First it was Britney Spears' used chewing gum, now punters can bid for poo from Geri Halliwell's pet dog.

"Some sick puppy is selling Harry's 'genuine doggie do-do', having scooped it up from London's Green Park three weeks ago. The shih-tzu has been the 32-year-old singer's constant companion, often wearing diamond collars and matching outfits.

"So far the bidding's at one penny, despite the lot coming in 'its own wooden and plastic-fronted presentation case.'"