Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Why Does People Magazine Batter Us With Mario Lopez?

(image via radar)

We are in the midst of a War on Terror that could turn into a clash of civilizations. The environment is in galactic revolt. The economy sucks. Oil prices are oppressive. And Battlestar Galactica's midseason finale left more frakin questions unanswered than answered. WTF?!

So why then, in this moment of national exigency, does People magazine batter us so ruthlessly with Mario Lopez overkill? Have they no pity for our pain?

We are sure, all in all, Lopez is an amiable dunce. His vacant smile with the saucer-sized eyes suggests naught else but bonhomie. Good times. Nothing about Mario suggests a soul-killing malevolence. He's all good! No heavy thought has ever furrowed his golden, innocent brow. Mari Lopez is not unlike a great American man-child, a veritable Flavor Flav, though cast in hues of toffee and wholly without the socially inappropriate the proclivity to minstrelsy. The only thing "deep" about Mari Lopez is his dimple ..

That having been said, the sheer amount of gratuitous beefcake shots of Lopez and his abs (tm) in this week's People -- a guilty pleasure, we admit -- are grounds for misdemeanor: visual assault. The issue can only be construed as a robust eye-punch from Time Warner. And we won't entertain the possibility that this was a case of PR-overkill following the Page Six item that Mario might well be -- and How does one say this so as not to offend? -- past the man-candy expiration date.

Let the Mario Lopez backlash commence ...

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