Can Congressman Murtha Hang?



(image via progressives)

Minority Leader's point man on the military, Congressman John Murtha, is having some trouble lining up the votes necessary to bag the House Majority Leader position in the event the Democrats sweep into the House of Representatives. Says Josephine Hearn in TheHill:

"Liberal House Democrats are not lining up behind Rep. Jack Murtha�s (D-Pa.) leadership candidacy in the numbers he had hoped despite his outspoken stance against the Iraq war.

"Murtha�s failure to line up staunch opponents of the war could prove a blow to his hope of denying the majority leadership to Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md.) in the event of a Democratic takeover of the House in the 110th Congress.

"Rep. Jim Moran (D-Va.), a friend of Murtha who has been helping him with the race, said tepid support among some progressives was a worry to him. 'It does concern you when people you think are going to be with you turn out not to be. Some of that�s cultural issues, guns and abortion,' he said. 'But we still have the votes.'"

Lola Ogunnaike Bitchslaps Flavor of Love



(image via nytimes)

Yummy, self-possesed New York Times scribe Lola Ogunnaike wraps up what most African-Americans -- at least the ones The Corsair talks to -- really feel about VH1's top rated hit: "Flavor of Love" is a modern-day Stepin Fetchit. It's time to pull the plug, ratings or not. While, yes, there was some charm in the original, ehr, "romance (Averted Gaze)," between 'Gitte Nielson and Flavor Flav, all such train-wreckish warmth has goine frigid. Says, in Tomorrow's Sunday Styles, Ogunnaike:

"'I�m the king of VH1,' he crowed over a surf-and-turf dinner at a soul food restaurant in downtown Los Angeles. 'Your man Flavor Flav is doing his thiiiiing.'

"... The women, who tend to look like castoffs from a bad rap video, dress provocatively (the shorter the skirt, the lower the neckline, the better their chances), engage in raunchy make-out sessions with Flav and, when given the opportunity, profess their undying devotion.

�'You could be across the room and I can feel you,' Krazy, the rare white face on the show, said in a recent episode. (Flav, whose real name is William Drayton, has trouble remembering the contestants� real names, so he gives them nicknames like Deelishis, Toastee and Bootz.) 'My heart is so big and I�m such a compassionate person and I see the same thing in you.' Krazy then broke into song. 'I will be with you forever,' she crooned � off key.

"Occasionally, the women even trade blows. This season�s premiere began with two women brawling over a bed and ended with one contestant defecating on the floor as she raced to the bathroom after a meal that didn�t agree with her.

"... Nicole Young, a fashion designer in Manhattan who is black, said the defecation scene in this season�s premiere turned her off the show for good."

Agreed. The defecation scene -- first reported by our favorite gossip superhero duo Rush and Molloy -- was the moment the show jumped the shark with no turning back.

Nick's Bitter Taste



(image via vnn.vn)

Proto-Lunkhead Nick Carter, an animated yet uninteresting hunk of beef to be sure, is at it again, waxing nostalgic about the time when he was interesting by proxy as to whom he was fucking (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). According to those intrepid Page Sixxies:

"NICK Carter says he decided to fight fire with fire when he learned that Paris Hilton was rampantly cheating on him with Sophia Bush's fianc�, Chad Michael Murray - so he waited until she jetted off to Australia and then jumped into bed with Ashlee Simpson.

"' ... So I brought it up to her and said, 'You know what I did, and now it's your turn. Why don't you tell me what you did.' And she goes, 'I never did anything! I never cheated on you.' I had kind of started to really like Ashlee and I was thinking about the dating stage, then, before you know it [bleep]ing bitch-face comes back.'

"Carter, 26, told us he has no regrets, but still has a bitter taste in his mouth about Hilton."

And, no doubt, a burning sensation about the genitalia. We cannot fail to note Nick Carter's arrest in January 2002, which, according to TheSmokingGun, went a little like this

"While we feel for poor Nick, The Smoking Gun has to laugh at the Backstreet Boy's public meltdown after police decided to arrest the apparently tipsy singer. TSG spoke Thursday afternoon with Jennifer Guggino, a 21-year-old Brandon, Florida woman present at the time of Carter's bust (and who is listed as the lone civilian witness in the Tampa police report). Guggino, who told TSG she was standing close to Carter when police asked him to leave, gave this account of his subsequent bust:

"'The cops arrested him, put him in handcuffs, and then put him in the police car. Nick wasn't belligerent, but he started bawling. He said, 'You just want to arrest a Backstreet Boy. I've never been arrested. I don't know what to do!' He was crying hard. Tears were streaming down his face. People were laughing at him. The cops were chuckling.'

"Guggino added that as Carter--whom she described as an acquaintance--sat in the police cruiser, she approached the weepy Backstreet Boy and asked him why he was crying. He answered, 'It's okay to cry,' she recalled."

Yeah, like we thought: Little bitch!

Separated at Birth

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...



Someone mistook her for a virgin. (image via thecobrasnake)



Joanne de Guardiola and R. Couri Haaaaaaayyy (image via NySocialDiary)



A man who won't take 'ho for an answer. (image via thecobrasnake)



Parker Posey does a hair Don't.

One Night At The Opera



(image via style)


The Corsair never got into Opera past Mozart, with the possible exception of late Beethoven and, possibly, some Strauss. Too self-indulgent and emotional, that (Averted Gaze). Not unlike Sadie Frost. But JesusChrist there was a tremendous amount of boldfacers at the Opera the other night for the Minghella-clusterfuck. Upper East Side Ladies who Lunch, like Barbara Walters, to Hollywood starlets, like Susan Sarandon and Meg Ryan, to the art world, like Chuck Close and Tim Curran and Salman Rushdie, were all in attendance. We wonder why? It's not as if Minghella is the first film director to do Opera, Ingmar Bergman -- a far greater talent -- took on Mozart's Magic Flute, which is, we cannot fail to note, a far more complicated opera. Anyhoo: Says Style:

"'I'm just starting to get into the opera,' said photographer Cindy Sherman prior to the Metropolitan Opera's premiere of a new production of Giacomo Puccini's Madama Butterfly on Monday night. 'And this seems like a pretty good start." That was putting it mildly. For its season opener, the Met pulled out all the stops, including a live feed of the Anthony Minghella�directed performance on oversize screens in Lincoln Center and Times Square. The theater itself was practically levitating, thanks to the Oscar-winning moviemaker's starry cast of supporters, which included Sir Sean Connery, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Meg Ryan, Liv Tyler, Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber and�the most photographed pair of the evening�the on-again Jude Law and Sienna Miller. 'Can I be really annoying and bum a smoke?' Miller later asked a reporter. 'I'm from London. We're not used to this 'no smoking' thing.'"

Really? We'd heard that Jude Law really smoked the Nanny's bum that night (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment).

Musharraf Does Jon Stewart



He says it's not a toupee; we beg to differ. (image via dailytimes)

Yes, we thought we misread it ourselves, but apparently Pakistan's oily nuke-weilding dictator is actually doing the Jon Stewart Show. Here are some questions we'd like to submit to the writers at The Daily Show that Pervez -- "Perv" -- Musharraf might want to banswer:

Is that a toupee you're wearing, or did a Tibetan Wild Ass find succor and comfort atop your noggin?

At any point during your tete-a-tete with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, did you attempt to navigate a threesome?

Would you give up Pakistan's nuclear capability to burn the sheets with Angelina Jolie?

Mr. General-Dictator: Could you please say for us, "I am the Law," in your best, oily Sylvester Stallone-ish sneer.

If you were a tree, what tree would you be?

Where's Osama bin Ladin, really? No more fucking with us?

Is the whole "nuke thing" compensation for a small penis?

Do Dictators look up to Pimps in the Great Chain of Being, or is it the other way round?

Was it strange not being able to have your ghostwriter beheaded?

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...



It's a hipster, Pirandello-ish Play: Two Characters Profoundly in Need of a Robust Multivitamin. (image via thecobrasnake)



Seating Harvey Weinstein next to Liv Tyler is social genius -- the whistling sound of wind rushing through her head is mercifully offset by his Id-like grunts. (image via wireimage)



Mary McFadden would rather be at home eating a turkey sandwich listening to Ghostface Killa. (image via nysocialdiary)



Tommy Hilfiger, after punching out Axl Rose, breaks himself off a piece of ass.(image via wireimage)

Of The Stone Age, Armitage Knows Whereof He Speaks



Isn't he adorable, he looks just like a baby gorilla. (image via suededasein)

Teeming with rib-busting ox-strength and built like a silverback gorrilla, the former Deputy Secretary of State should not be tossed aside lightly. He must be thrown with great force (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment).

When an Evolutionary Throwback like Richard Armitage threatens things Neolithic on your unsuspecting ass, you'd better pay heed and smooth yourself out. Check out that jutting brow and those adenoidal barn-door delts. He looks like the protagonist in the first fifteen minutes of Kubrick's 2001 (Averted Gaze); Armitage could easily pulverize a fortified bunker. His build suggests -- nay, screams -- that knows the stone age intimately. With those bandy legs tucked neatly 'neath his plump hindquarters, Armitage is, we cannot fail to note a hefty man; a man not unfamiliar with huskiness.

Still, more likely than not, Armitage is telling the truth. When forced to chose between an animated hunk of meat like Armitage, or an oily dictator like Musharaaf, we'll go with the red, the white, and the blue every time.

Besides, Musharaaf's confessional -- on "60 Minutes," is convenient. He gave an interview to Steve Kroft recently and conveniently managed to leave that info out. Fancy that only after the whole Plame-Novak affair, with Armitage vulnerable, that Pervez leaks like Paris Hilton post-coitus (The Corsair sips Napoleonic brandy).

Musharaaf has been playing his internal dissenters against US military and financial support, walking a dangerous tightrope. And, of course, the report that Osama bin Laden -- Musharaaf's safety net -- might be dead, on the Pakistani side of the Afghanistan border, goves one pause. So convenient for Musharaaf; charmed, I'm sure.

Corsair Classic

"...Ladies and gentlemen - welcome to violence!"

Corsair Classic

Foxes, starring Jodie Foster and Scott Baio. From Amazon:

"This take on teenagers in LA having a superior moral code to their parents is highlighted by Sally Kellerman describing her daughter Jodie Foster and her friends as 'short 40 year olds, who look like kids but don't act like 'em'".

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...



Decrepit music industry vampire Quincy "Q" Jones manages to siphon off the vital life forces of Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupree only moments before being rendered unto ahe. (image via wireimage)



We are pretty sure that when LaToya Jackson's audition for this Australian malt liquor campaign went down it involved her sticking her fingers in ther mouth and undoing her top while crying. (image via dlisted)



Lightweight! (image via thecobrasnake)



No thanks; Bob Guccione's startling last stand at Penthouse kind of soured us on the whole co-ed bathroom thingie.(image via thecobrasnake)

White House Aides Bitchy



Our favorite Dickensian villain Robert Novak (cue to Bach's chilling Toccata in D Minor) goes back to shilling for unnamed sources within the Bush Admisitration with this astonishingly bitchy column (even for him):

"Before reaching agreement Thursday, the Bush White House was not happy about the defection of Chairman John Warner and two other Senate Armed Services Committee Republicans on the military tribunals issue, but was most upset with Sen. Lindsey Graham.

"Presidential aides claim that Graham had been on board with the administration's language until Sen. John McCain opposed it in early September. They contend that Graham is aiming at being attorney general in a McCain Cabinet."

One can almost imagine this thoroughly bitchy unnamed source delivering this with the added aside, "besides" -- sotto voce -- "it's a well-known fact that Lindsay Graham has the cooties."

Brandon Davis Gets Beat Down



The ass farthest to the Left would be Davis. (image via thebosh)

Entourage's punchy Kevin Connolly did what oh so many of us dream about, namely -- To beat Brandon Davis' ass. Really rock his world, you know? Let him know that someone out there cares.

What do you suppose Davis -- who, we cannot fail to note, looks not unlike a Liza Minnelli drag queen, circa 1977 -- emitted as his head whiplashed back under the hideous force of Connolly's fist? Was there a steady spray of Hair gel and vodka (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)? According to those intrepid Page Sixxies:

"BLOATED Brandon Davis was punched in the face Thursday night by Kevin Connolly ... After an US Weekly party at L.A. hot spot Area, Paris Hilton held an after-hours bash at her Beverly Hills home. Pamela Anderson, Courtney Love, Dave Navarro - and past Hilton conquests Paris Latsis and Stavros Niarchos - arrived with Davis, Nicky Hilton and Nicky's boyfriend, Connolly. One partier told us: 'Brandon and Nicky decided to run around and call everyone a 'loser' or 'whore' - like the way other people call each other 'sweety' or 'honey'. ' Connolly didn't like either word and when the oil heir wouldn't stop, Connolly 'smacked him.' Davis, grandson of the late oil billionaire Marvin Davis, shrieked and cursed insults, prompting Connolly to 'punch him in the face two times.' After the beat-down, Connolly told blogger Perez Hilton: 'He just can't talk to me the way he talks to other people.'"

Evidently. Connolly, you'll remember, also got into a "dance" with pro-skateboarder -- ! -- Chad Muska. Muska made a lewd comment about Nicky Hilton --we cannot fathom a skateboarder doing that -- and got his ass beat. TKO. Connolly, thus far, is 2-0 in Hollywood Fight Club.

Borat To Get Vanity Fair Cover



Who says Vanity Fair doesn't put brown people on the cover (Well, that would be us)? Until now we were of the opinion that graydon carter liked his cover subjects like he likes his billowing shirts. Quite the contrary. The glossiest of glossies is getting its first Kazakstani -- or, at least fake Kazakstani -- coverboy. According to RadarOnline:

"Is Graydon Carter getting cocky? Riding an 18-month hot streak at the newsstand, the Vanity Fair editor in chief has made a surprising choice for his November cover: comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. Sources say VF fashion director Michael Roberts recently shot the chameleonic British comic, who's far better known by his alter egos from Da Ali G Show, and mock-ups of the cover have been spotted around the mag's offices at 4 Times Square."

Considering that the last person on the cover was Beyonce, we can now say categorically that Graydon Carter doesn't have a fear of a beige planet.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ...




David Spade, post Locklear, finally succumbs to his inner bitch. (image via aol)


What Pete Doherty finds sexiest about Kate Moss is that she's shaped just like a crackpipe. (image via aol)



A bulbous, pumpkinheaded Russell Simmons answers a journalist's query by mumbling, "Kimora who?" (image via NYSocialdiary)




Muffy Potter Aston inspires unintended hilarity and tears of mirth by clumsily asking Grace Hightower why Bobby Deniro likes his women like he likes his coffee. (image via NySocialdiary)

Will Murtha Be Majority leader of Congress?



(image via progressives)

Are the Democrats finally making a play for the military vote that they have all but ceded to the Republican Party for the longest? Did the "Swift Boating" strike a raw nerve? For decades they have ceded a strong defense position to the Republican party. But lately, in the decision to run Second Gulf War veterans in previously thought to be unwinnable House seats and now the stealth backing of 16-term friend of the military John Murtha by Minority Leader Nacy Pelosi (who is on track, should the Dems win the House) to be Speaker of the House, it seems the Dems are undertaking a project to contest the military vote in the near future. As there are military bases in nearly every Congressional district in the South, this is an intriguing and far-sighted goal. According to ABC's superhott correspondent Gigi Stone:

"Outspoken Pennsylvania Rep. John Murtha is looking for a promotion. A senior aide to the Democratic leadership told ABC News the Marine veteran wants to become majority leader in the House if Democrats regain control this fall.

"It's a move that may throw the Democratic Caucus into a contentious leadership battle as the midterm election season heats up.

"Until now, it was presumed Democratic House Whip Steny Hoyer of Maryland would move up from his position when California Rep. Nancy Pelosi became the new speaker. But Murtha's interest in the majority leader seat could change that scenario.

"'Murtha has always been a darling of the more conservative members of the caucus, but his recent leadership of the anti-war movement has won him wide praise among more liberal members as well,' someone close to the deliberations told ABC News."

Leapfrogging Murtha over the current Minority Whip Steny Meyer would be thorny and fairlly unprecedented. We will keep you informed.

Katie Coric to Interview Condi on 60 Minutes



To the Katie-Haters.

We admire CBS' bold news experiment and their victories. We grew up on a steady diet of CBS Evening News -- Sadat, Apartheid's Fall, the Busting of the Berlin Wall -- and so we follow this incarnation of Black Rock raptly. Katie Couric's firm conversational interview style on the 60 Minutes piece on the health hazards of September 11 caused Giuliani to do a 180 degree turn (As opposed to Wallace's alpha male style, which failed spectacularly against Amadinejad). Now, Couric fixes her steely gaze on Rice. According to TVNewser:

"Katie Couric profiles Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on the 39th season premiere of 60 Minutes, this Sunday on CBS.

"Rice 'opens her rarely glimpsed private life to Couric in a 60 Minutes profile that also includes questions on our nation's foreign policy,' the network says. Portions of the profile, 'including outtakes, will also appear' on the broadcast's Yahoo! microsite.

Picture Pages, Picture Pages ..



Wigga Please ... (image via thecobrasnake)



Anh Duong attends the opening of .. an envelope. (image via NySocialDiary)




What Quentin Tarrantino looks when casting lead actress. (image via thecobrasnake)

Tori Spelling to Smallville



Tori defies gravity. (image via cinemorgue)

Tori Spelling, or, as we like to call her, so appropriately, "Miss Spelling (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment)" has been cast -- ironically -- as a writer. According to Popwatch:

"This sounds far-fetched, but it comes from the reliable Michael Ausiello at TV Guide: Tori Spelling (OMG!) is coming to Smallville, where she'll play the gossip columnist at the Daily Planet. (Wonder if she got the job at the paper because her daddy is the publisher?)"

And we will refrain from mentioning Tori's dangling participles.

Barbara Wawa to Interview Steve Irwin's Wife




(image via exn)

If Terry Irwin was a tree, what tree would she be? The mighty oak. How does Walters do it still after all these years. We thought fer sure that Terry Irwin was an Oprah kind of gal, but Barbara Walters gets the "get" interview of the year.

Then again, considering all the Clostridium botulinum that Barbara Walters so generously houses within her laugh lines, Terry Irwin had to go with that spirit of conservation.

Lunch at Michael's: The UN Edition



(image via norman.walsh)

Funny how all that haughty Podhoretzian noxious bullshit about how the United-Nations-is-an irrelevant-joke all but evaporates once the General Assembly convenes (We won't even entertain the UN's useful solution to the Israeli-Hezbollah conflict). Jacksonians and Neocons have an almost hilbilly-like superstition about all things
"international (Averted Gaze)." Even Karl Rove has been slipping the word "international law" as a bugaboo in the rhetoric in the rundown to the 2006 Congressional races, re: The McCain Amendment. As you can imagine, New York's power eateries experienced an upswing in the boldface statesmen quotients yesterday. Our favorite social chronicler David Patrick Columbia hips us to the talent in the room at Michael's on NYSocialdiary:

"It was news-broadcasters� day at Michael�s. The place was jammed. At the main round table in the bay was Lou Dobbs, Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, Christiane Amanpour, Larry King and a couple of others I didn�t recognize because I rarely watch CNN. At the table across from them was Tom Brokaw, and across from him was Deborah Norville and across from her was Paula Zahn, and next to her was a non-broadcaster, the man who saved New York City from bankruptcy 30 years ago: Felix Rohatyn."

And those intrepid Page Sixxies scout other locales:

"When West 55th Street was turned into a 'frozen zone' Sunday night, and Iraqi President Jalal Talabani arrived for dinner at Circo, the regular patrons rose and gave him a standing ovation.

"'He's one brave son of a bitch,' said one diner.

Talabani, who might not get to see a lot of American movies in Baghdad, never seemed to notice Woody Allen and his wife, Soon-Yi, at a nearby table.

The proverbial swords also were beaten into forks and spoons at Primavera, where Terje Roed-Larsen, the U.N. special envoy to Beirut, who has been highly critical of Israel's incursion into Lebanon, broke bread with Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni and her predecessor, Silvan Shalom.

"Also at the dinner were Roed-Larsen's wife, Mona Juul, an official in the Norwegian Foreign Affairs Ministry; Qatar Ambassador to the U.N. Nassir Abdulaziz Al-Nasser; former U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Richard Holbrooke; Manhattan DA Robert Morgenthau; Newsweek heiress Lally Weymouth; plus Charlie Rose, James Tisch and Mike Ovitz.

"'It was insane outside of the restaurant. Israeli Secret Service, American Secret Service, cops with Uzis - you almost had to get a cavity search to get inside,' one witness said."

It's all well and fine to question the effectiveness of a multilateral organization like the United Nations. We do that often, even to the point of This blog's agonizing on whether or not Bolten's brashness might not have its strategic uses. But blasting at the UN's relevance, a la The Sun (who seem blissfully unaware that disgusting Resolution 3379 was revoked), is just plain assy. The United Nations is to the NYSun what Bill Clinton is to the Dick "Clinton stalker" Morris.

Note to AOL: Tara Reid is a Jinx!



AOL is Distributing thier Direct-To-Download Effort. According to Paidcontent:

"... And it is a Tara Reid movie, so it deserves not to get theatrical distribution. AOL is premiering Adam Shapiro�s new horror film, 'Incubus,' online for download (direct-to-download), for $7.99 ($7.99 for purchase, $3.49 for a five-day rental, no burning to a DVD) on its soon-to-be relaunched teen site, AOL Red, starting on Halloween. DVDs will go on sale a month later. Shapiro and his partner decided to go direct to download after they were unable to find a good deal for theatrical release."

Damn. Poor Tara Reid.

Steve O Loved Being With Nicole Ritchie For The Press



In happier days. (image via timeinc)

Why anyone would wanty to fuck the skanky "Jackass" bunch is beyond The Corsair. While we allow that the whole daredevil aspect has not an insignificant amount of charm on the ladies ... why? Why did Nicole Ritchie "hook up" with Steve O? You know he will not be discrete; you know he will do something to embarrass her. Nicole Ritchie's bad life decisions, take 22. According to Marksfriggin:

"Howard asked (Jackass') Bam if he has any pressure on him when he's banging chicks. Steve said he feels some pressure when he's with chicks. He said he never did do Nicole Ritchie but he did jerk off a few times while he was in bed with her. He said she was dead asleep while he was rubbing one out the first time. He was going back and forth thinking about her and other chicks while he was doing that. He said that she was totally awake while he was doing it the other two times he did it though. He thinks that she was into it.

"Steve said he didn't want to offend Nicole in any way because he really wanted to be in the tabloids with her. He said he ended up getting sick and tired of the comments they were posting in the paper about stuff he wasn't really saying about her.

"Robin said she heard that Nicole got Steve off of coke. Steve said he met her while he was on a coke binge and he was having so much fun with her that he got off the coke for a while. He hasn't done coke in over 8 months now. He said he loved being with her but it was just for the press."

Nicole sure knows how to pick her indiscrete, coke-headed, users, n'est-ce pas?

Rome Hartman: Bill Maher Free To Speak




(image via jacneed)

As you know, The Corsair has made it something of a mission to get the incendiary Bill Maher back on network television (And Forrest Whittaker an Oscar for The King of Scotland, more on that later). Since CBS News -- Black Rock to Bill's Black Chicks -- is the epitome of network news prestige, and, of late, willing to take some edgy risks, we thought: What the fuck. Things are looking good, according to the Post:

"Maher claimed on his 'Real Time' HBO show last Friday that CBS asked him to do a 'Free Speech' segment - in which celebrities and everyday folks vent their opinions on a variety of subjects.

"But Maher said he was then told he couldn't discuss religion, his topic of choice.

"'I asked if I could talk about religion, and that was a deal-breaker right from the beginning,' Maher said.

"CBS says that's not true.

"'We didn't say yes and we didn't say no,' 'CBS Evening News' executive producer Rome Hartman told The Post yesterday, pointing out that he didn't deal with Maher directly but through a producer.

"'[Maher] sent word that [religion] is what he wanted to talk about . . . and we sent back two or three ideas for topics we thought might be timely or topical. This was not an attempt to dictate.'

"Maher, in a statement e-mailed to The Post, said, 'If I or my representatives got it wrong about how the 'free speech' segment . . . is, sorry, our bad.'"

Okay, so let's free up that speech, get Maher on the Evening News and, in the fullness of time, have him replace the senile Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes.

Basta!

Nick Lachey Was Bad Too



Porn "star" Jessica Jaymes. (image via buzznet)

Whomever was most at fault in the debacle of the Lachey-Simpson nuptual carwreck, it was always suggested -- vaguely -- among the Gossiping Classes that Jessica simply got tired of Nickie-poo and wanted some of Adam Levine's sweet emo loving (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Then, of course, Nick was devastated, and -- we're told -- he's only now just getting over it with fellow onionhead Vanessa Manillo (Averted Gaze).

Not so, dear sweet readers -- not so.

Apparently, Lachey also had a roving eye. He hath lust in his beefy heart. Remember the bachelor party with the buxom porn star Jessica Jaymes? Well. Nick wasn't as innocent as he made himself out to be. An offer was made (but not accepted). According to Marksfriggin:

"Artie said that (porn star Jessica Jaymes) was also at a bachelor party that Nick Lachey attended. She said she couldn't believe that she was going to come out with this... then she said that Nick had propositioned her at the bachelor party. Howard wanted to know exactly what he asked her. She said that Nick sent his body guard over to her and he asked her to get in his limo to go back to his place. Nick never said anything to her himself, he had his bodyguard asking her to do it. She didn't end up doing anything with him because she wasn't interested in him."

Getting turned down by a porn star: Is that more or less embarrassing than releasing worldwide that man-bitch of a whiny-ass song "What's Left of Me." Hmm.

The Corsair Creepy Index

All this talk of Mark Karr lounging in his moist Bankok bungalow -- eew -- reminded us that Creepy is like the new black. Creepy never goes out of style. They are the gift that keeps on giving up the funny. Gawking at creepy people, with their clammy hands and creepy-ass soft girlish chuckles. Here are some Corsair picks for the creepiest celebrities on the radar screen:



(image via nestekkik)

10-- The Catwoman. Why would you fuck up your grill like this, girlfriend? One of he Corsair's cousins from Uganda came to visit this summer and mentioned -- sotto voce -- in a deep Kinyarwandan accent, "The Catwoman." It was then and there we realized that this woman's cosmetic tragedies are international. If a man tells you to make yourself up to look like a feline, the proper response would be to tell him to not let the door hit him where the good Lord done split him.



(image via usatoday)

9-Fred Durst. Rode crappy rap-metal band to an executive position at a label ... Received a blowjob from industry chickenhead "Superhead," then dismissively brushed her off ... Threatened to sue Gawker over sex tape publication, only to send Nick Denton freshly cut flowers from his garden .. The sex tapes show that Durst is hung like a garden variety mushroom.



8-Pam Anderson. Beach blanket bimbo. California has a way of feeding off one's innocence and leaving its residents with dead, Sam Donaldsonish shark eyes (Averted Gaze). Case in point: Pammie, who once had big old saucers as peepers, and now rocks the urban reptile gaze. The Hep C and the sex tape and the multiple marriages in primary-colored bikini's don't help Pam's cause. Her aura is FILTHY (plus, teeming with silicon), and -- quite frankly -- she creeps us out.



7- Jesse Jackson. You are somebody, Jesse: Somebody increasingly fucking creepy *The Corsair shudders*. While we cannot forget Jesse's contribution to the Civil Rights movement, his momunemtal '84 Presidential run (and, his sleeper victory in the Michigan contest that year) his tenaciuous grip onto the scraps of power left unto him long after his relevance -- and expiration date -- has passed creeps us the fuck out.

So does the iligitimate child.

Day-um Jesse, could't you navigate a condom? You know, those inexpensive prophelactics that you lectured urban youths about for beaucoup fucking decades (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Counseling Chelsea Clinton during Monica-Gate in the middle of siring a half-brother -- ill-timed -- for the Congressman of Illinois' fifth District wasn't the best move either (Averted Gaze). Pools power with the buffonish Al Sharpton; has a tv show on the "Word" evangelical network along with such hucksters as "Creflo Dollar (Averted Gaze)."



5-Eva LongWhoria. If Eva Longoria applied as much effort to her acting career as she did to pimping out her image, and getting a racy quote in the tabs, she'd be well on her way to giving Cate Blanchette a run for her money. Instead, she is the media whore, par excellence. Have you ever seen Eva Longoria on the red carpet trying to calculate the raciest thing to say apropos of nothing? Her big old dead shark eyes gleam darkly. She feigns listening to the interviewers question as she crafts something sure to make the tabs. It goes a little something like this:

Interviewer: Hi, Eva! What are you wearing?

Eva: Dior (raptors gaze). But when I go home tonight, alone, I'll wear nothing but a smile.

Something creepy in that vain. And -- mirabile dictue -- it gets the cover of Star Magazine.



4-The Red Hott Creepy Peppers. Anthony Kiedis' long, horsey creepy face and his "Let-Me-Ravage-Your-Teenage-Daughter" smile -- a skeletal rictor -- grants him a space on the Hall of Fame of The Super-Creepy. But his skanky bandmate (very low on the food chain), the appropriately named "Flea," deserves some credit as well. This band likes to: Fuck underage groupies -- as chronicled in his chem-oir Scar Tissue, pose with socks over their cocks (niice), and frequent Amsterdam brothels (not necessarily in that odor).



(image via airamerica)

3-Neil Strauss. Former New York Times music scribbler turned Pick Up artist can teach you, dear reader, how to use mild forms of hypnotism to have sex with psychologically vulnerable women. He studied these techniques under some of the acknowledged masters of Creepy.

Ghosted pornstar Jenna Jameson's biography, managing to insert -- pun entirely intended -- the name of Dostoyevsky.

Coming to a theater near you.



Bottoms up!

2- Superhead. Fucked up doesn't begin to explain why a single mother with a son rapidly approaching school-age would proudly wear the sobriquet -- for all the world to sneer at -- of "Superhead (Averted Gaze)." Is something a music industry joke -- or, in the case of Usher's people -- a music industry gift (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment).



(image via hdbeat)

1- Marc Cuban. Creepiest. Eyes. Ever. We have a recurring nightmare where we are in the middle of some creepy clock on the creepy side of town on an empty street at creepy o'clock. Then we hear a creepy giggle. It's Marc Cuban, creepy billionaire, with the creepy ghostface killing eyes. And he's booking it in our direction, crouched in a runner sprint. He's speaking a Dead Language -- Aksumite? -- really fast.

Obviously, we haul ass in the opposite direction. Shnell. He's still giggling. And gaining speed (holy fuck!).

At this point we wake up in a cold sweat, glad that our imagination is fertile and that Cuban -- creepy-fuck that he is -- is far, far away.

Kudos to CBS



(image via zap2it)

Has someone at Black Rock been reading this blog? According to Bill Maher, CBS offered him a spot last week -- the week we said aloud what a good choice to replace cranky, Methuselan Andy Rooney slot on "60 Minutes" -- on the "Free Speech" segment on Katie Courik's broadcast.

Unfortunately, Maher decided to speak on the radioactive topic of religion (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). The idea, as you can imagine (potential loss of sponsors at a precarious beginning of the Couric project), was nixed. Leave it to Bill Maher to talk himself out of a shot at ending his Network television exile. Perhaps Bill, like Howard Stern, is better suited to the more libertarian-minded HBO and satellite radio atmosphere.

Still, while we would have loved to see Maher on the Eveving News riffing profanely on the subject of organized religion, we realize that that is goddamn fucking impossible. At least CBS made a solid, and bold offer to give our Modern Day Mark twain another chance at their millions of viewers.

Cheers.

Corsair Classic: Golddigger

Not the cash, oh yes the whole damn stash:

Because We Love Bronques ...



In the beginning it was only his hair that was fake straight.



They're both secretly thinking about Jared Leto.




Immediately after, both wiped their mouths a la Lisa Presley-Jacko and had a simultaneous "yuck"-gasm.