Monday, September 18, 2006

The Corsair Creepy Index

All this talk of Mark Karr lounging in his moist Bankok bungalow -- eew -- reminded us that Creepy is like the new black. Creepy never goes out of style. They are the gift that keeps on giving up the funny. Gawking at creepy people, with their clammy hands and creepy-ass soft girlish chuckles. Here are some Corsair picks for the creepiest celebrities on the radar screen:


(image via nestekkik)

10-- The Catwoman. Why would you fuck up your grill like this, girlfriend? One of he Corsair's cousins from Uganda came to visit this summer and mentioned -- sotto voce -- in a deep Kinyarwandan accent, "The Catwoman." It was then and there we realized that this woman's cosmetic tragedies are international. If a man tells you to make yourself up to look like a feline, the proper response would be to tell him to not let the door hit him where the good Lord done split him.


(image via usatoday)

9-Fred Durst. Rode crappy rap-metal band to an executive position at a label ... Received a blowjob from industry chickenhead "Superhead," then dismissively brushed her off ... Threatened to sue Gawker over sex tape publication, only to send Nick Denton freshly cut flowers from his garden .. The sex tapes show that Durst is hung like a garden variety mushroom.


8-Pam Anderson. Beach blanket bimbo. California has a way of feeding off one's innocence and leaving its residents with dead, Sam Donaldsonish shark eyes (Averted Gaze). Case in point: Pammie, who once had big old saucers as peepers, and now rocks the urban reptile gaze. The Hep C and the sex tape and the multiple marriages in primary-colored bikini's don't help Pam's cause. Her aura is FILTHY (plus, teeming with silicon), and -- quite frankly -- she creeps us out.


7- Jesse Jackson. You are somebody, Jesse: Somebody increasingly fucking creepy *The Corsair shudders*. While we cannot forget Jesse's contribution to the Civil Rights movement, his momunemtal '84 Presidential run (and, his sleeper victory in the Michigan contest that year) his tenaciuous grip onto the scraps of power left unto him long after his relevance -- and expiration date -- has passed creeps us the fuck out.

So does the iligitimate child.

Day-um Jesse, could't you navigate a condom? You know, those inexpensive prophelactics that you lectured urban youths about for beaucoup fucking decades (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment). Counseling Chelsea Clinton during Monica-Gate in the middle of siring a half-brother -- ill-timed -- for the Congressman of Illinois' fifth District wasn't the best move either (Averted Gaze). Pools power with the buffonish Al Sharpton; has a tv show on the "Word" evangelical network along with such hucksters as "Creflo Dollar (Averted Gaze)."


5-Eva LongWhoria. If Eva Longoria applied as much effort to her acting career as she did to pimping out her image, and getting a racy quote in the tabs, she'd be well on her way to giving Cate Blanchette a run for her money. Instead, she is the media whore, par excellence. Have you ever seen Eva Longoria on the red carpet trying to calculate the raciest thing to say apropos of nothing? Her big old dead shark eyes gleam darkly. She feigns listening to the interviewers question as she crafts something sure to make the tabs. It goes a little something like this:

Interviewer: Hi, Eva! What are you wearing?

Eva: Dior (raptors gaze). But when I go home tonight, alone, I'll wear nothing but a smile.

Something creepy in that vain. And -- mirabile dictue -- it gets the cover of Star Magazine.


4-The Red Hott Creepy Peppers. Anthony Kiedis' long, horsey creepy face and his "Let-Me-Ravage-Your-Teenage-Daughter" smile -- a skeletal rictor -- grants him a space on the Hall of Fame of The Super-Creepy. But his skanky bandmate (very low on the food chain), the appropriately named "Flea," deserves some credit as well. This band likes to: Fuck underage groupies -- as chronicled in his chem-oir Scar Tissue, pose with socks over their cocks (niice), and frequent Amsterdam brothels (not necessarily in that odor).

(image via airamerica)

3-Neil Strauss. Former New York Times music scribbler turned Pick Up artist can teach you, dear reader, how to use mild forms of hypnotism to have sex with psychologically vulnerable women. He studied these techniques under some of the acknowledged masters of Creepy.

Ghosted pornstar Jenna Jameson's biography, managing to insert -- pun entirely intended -- the name of Dostoyevsky.

Coming to a theater near you.


Bottoms up!

2- Superhead. Fucked up doesn't begin to explain why a single mother with a son rapidly approaching school-age would proudly wear the sobriquet -- for all the world to sneer at -- of "Superhead (Averted Gaze)." Is something a music industry joke -- or, in the case of Usher's people -- a music industry gift (Exaggerated cough suggesting feigned detachment).


(image via hdbeat)

1- Marc Cuban. Creepiest. Eyes. Ever. We have a recurring nightmare where we are in the middle of some creepy clock on the creepy side of town on an empty street at creepy o'clock. Then we hear a creepy giggle. It's Marc Cuban, creepy billionaire, with the creepy ghostface killing eyes. And he's booking it in our direction, crouched in a runner sprint. He's speaking a Dead Language -- Aksumite? -- really fast.

Obviously, we haul ass in the opposite direction. Shnell. He's still giggling. And gaining speed (holy fuck!).

At this point we wake up in a cold sweat, glad that our imagination is fertile and that Cuban -- creepy-fuck that he is -- is far, far away.


Anonymous said...

It's frightening just how many scary people there are out there. May be we could add a few more, how about David Hasselhoff he is really starting to freak me out with the ads he does on British TV (and why do the Germans like him so much).

The Corsair said...

Allison: Hasselhoff is definitely beaucoup creepy. Especially when he croons in German. Will keep in mind for next year.


Anonymous said...

FrankenCuban! It's the creepy forehead/ dead eyes/ chin trifecta.

It must have been hard choosing only ten. Maybe next year you can consider Mickey Rourke. Besides the facial resconstruction, didn't he attempt to cut off his finger?